|Contents||Bulletin||Scripting in shell and Perl||Network troubleshooting||History||Humor|
|Surviving a Bad Performance Review||Recommended Books||Recommended Links||Gabor's checklist|
|Corporate bullshit||Diplomatic Communication||Negative Politeness||Fighting direct verbal abuse||Soft propaganda|
|Dealing With Negative Criticism||Five Points Verbal Response Test||Rules of Verbal Self Defense||Socratic Questions||Never complain about your boss in office|
|Six ways to say 'No' and mean it||Seven Typical Corporate Email Errors||The Art of Positive Criticism||Minimize office gossip|
|Communication with Corporate Psychopaths||Communication with Micromanagers||Psychopaths in Movies||Humor||Etc|
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worthwhile.
Tact is a careful consideration of the feelings and values of another so as to create harmonious relationships with a reduced potential for conflict or offense. It is acknowledgement of other person "personal space" and "non-intrusiveness" into it. Tact is considered to be a virtue.
An example of tact would be relating to someone a potentially embarrassing detail of their appearance or demeanor without causing them distress.
Tact is a form of interpersonal diplomacy, the ability to induce change or communicate hurtful information minimizing offence through the use of consideration, compassion, kindness, and reason. Ideally, a tactful person can tell you something you don't want to hear and you feel thankful for the information,
Synonyms: considerateness, consideration, delicacy, diplomacy, discreetness, finesse, savoir-faire, thoughtfulness.I believe diplomacy is one of the most important elements of office relations. It is the skillful approach to conducting tactful negotiations, and the ability to speak or act without offending. This skill is necessary for attaining successful relations in such a diverse international community as the United States.
The key idea of diplomacy is the idea of minimization and avoidance of conflict to the extent possible. The idea of conflict prevention recognizes that conflict takes many forms. There is some conflict that is destructive, and there are situations that that are from this point of view hopeless and can never be resolved (for all practical purposes) without a conflict. We also recognize that conflict can be a good thing, that good things can come out of addressing it, and sometimes, NOT addressing it is a bad idea.
So, we need to distinguish destructive conflict and constructive. Destructive conflict is conflict that has a low probability of being resolved, and is primarily personality or emotion driven, rather than conflict that is issue based. For example, if you and I disagree about how much you should pay me, we disagree on a single issue - pay, or one dimensional conflict. If however you and I aren't getting along because I don't "like" you, this is a situation with many dimensions and it is more difficult to resolve as other dimensions influence our behavior in this one.
That also means that we should avoid "globalization of the conflict" -- turining conflict over a single issue turns into emotion based conflict. The reason is simple. As soon as there are other dimentions of the conflict especially emotion or personality based based, the conflicts are very difficult to deal with, with a relatively low probability of resolution. It's not impossible, it's unlikely. That's why we use the term destructive conflict; because pursuing the issue makes things worse. Sometimes, one must leave the conflict as it is and make the best of it because pursuing it will make it worse.
We are always going to have issue based disagreements and conflict. Well intentioned people often disagree. What we need to do.
Sept 26, 2015 | The New York Times
Businesspeople generally think of networking as a mutually beneficial meeting for both parties. But that's not usually what it is. Far more often, it is one person asking the other for a favor.
I have been a management consultant, business owner and speaker for more than 12 years. Before that, I was a business executive and a trial lawyer. Along the way I have received invaluable advice from others guidance that educated me and helped me make important professional connections. Because this advice has been such a great help to me, I believe in helping others in the same way, without expecting anything in return.
During the course of a year I receive numerous requests from people I do not know, asking me to network. I respond by meeting at least once a week with someone who is seeking advice on their careers or businesses, either in person or on the phone.
In the course of these meetings, I have come across people who fall under the category of what I call "networking parasites." These are people who fail to understand that I am giving them information that my regular clients pay for.
I am not alone in this. Doctors, accountants, plumbers, computer experts, lawyers and financial advisers all must deal with people shamelessly asking for meetings, free advice or free services or treatment without remotely acknowledging that these professionals make their living selling that time and expertise. Over the years, dozens of experts have told me about being accosted at parties and on airplanes by strangers who ask for a free consultation under the guise of "conversation."
Surely you do not want to be the kind of person who antagonizes professionals in this way. So here are some tips to help you avoid becoming a networking parasite.
Margaret Morford is the owner of the HR Edge, a management consulting firm, and the author of "The Hidden Language of Business."
- Make the meeting convenient. Ask for time frames that would work well, and meet at a place that is convenient for them, even if you have to drive across town. If they leave it up to you, give them three options and let them pick the one that works best. Recently, someone asked me to meet him for coffee, and I told him I could make "just about anything work" on a particular Friday. He responded with, "I like to start my day early, so let's meet for coffee near your office at 6 a.m." I wrote back that 6 a.m. was too early, to which he responded, "O.K. Let's make it 7 a.m." If you want me to pull out all the stops for you, this is not the way to start.
- Buy their coffee or meal. Insist on doing this as a sign of how valuable you consider their time and advice. If you are on a tight budget, ask them to coffee, but insist on paying for it by saying, "This is a huge favor to me, so please let me do this small thing for you." If you can manage it financially, try to meet for drinks or dinner after work. You will get more of their attention if you are not sandwiched in during their day.
- Go with a prepared list of questions. People whose advice is worth seeking are busy. They don't have time to sit through your stream-of-consciousness thoughts. Figure out in advance what information you want from them, and send your list ahead of time so they can be thinking about the answers.
- Don't argue about their advice or point out why it wouldn't work for you. You can ask for clarification by finding out how they would handle a particular concern you have, but don't go beyond that. You get to decide whether or not to use their advice.
- Don't ask for intellectual property or materials. I am amazed at the number of people who ask for copies of my PowerPoint presentations and seminar materials to use in their organization, with no understanding that these materials are original and copyrighted and that's how I make my living.
- Never ask for any written follow-up. It is your job to take good notes during your meeting, not their job to send you bullet points after the meeting. No one should get homework after agreeing to help someone.
- Spend time at the end of the meeting finding out what you can do for them. Do you know anyone who could use their services, or who would make a good professional connection? At the very least, consider writing a recommendation for them on LinkedIn.
- Always thank them more than once. Thank them at the end of the meeting, expressing your appreciation for the time they have spent with you. Follow up with a handwritten note not an email or a text.
- Do not refer others to the same expert. I just helped someone (whom I didn't know well) polish her rιsumι and craft her job-search pitch. Then I worked my contacts and helped her land a great new job. The result? I received emails from two strangers, asking me to "network" with them, because the person I had just helped suggested they contact me to do the same for them.
- Ask an expert for free help only once. If the help someone offered you was so valuable that you would like them to provide it again, then pay for it the next time.
- As you ask people for help, always consider how you in turn can help others. At the end of each workweek make a list of the people you have helped, and the favors you have done for which you received nothing in return. If your list is empty week after week, then you really are a networking parasite.
See More "
A collection of "Preoccupations" columns published in The New York Times.
There's a big difference between just being a team leader, and leading so that people will willingly want to follow you. The real leadership test is influence. For example, what if you were employed with a volunteer organization, and your employees' livelihoods, perks and benefits were not based on whether or not they did what you asked? Would they still do as you say? Do you think they admire, respect and trust you as a role model, mentor and team leader?
Leadership Test: Below are 22 questions to ask yourself about how you are performing as a leader. Do you demonstrate honesty, credibility and competence? You may also want to pass this leadership assessment on to your team. How well are they performing compared with other team members? Consider using this leadership test in performance reviews and for discussions in meetings.
- As a team leader, how do I show that I am honest? Do I do what I say I am going to do?
- Do I make competence, character and credibility priorities? How?
- Do I listen effectively to others with an open mind even when I may disagree?
- How do I demonstrate honest yet tactful communication with team members?
- Do I demonstrate good people skills, or effective leadership skills with my team?
- How am I thoughtful and considerate of others in the department?
- How do I demonstrate my vision and the organization's vision in a way that others clearly can understand?
- Do employees see how this vision applies to them and to the big picture?
- Do I understand my own goals and how they tie in with organizational goals?
- Are the company goals and my individual goals specific, measurable and in writing?
- How do I take responsibility for my own job?
- Am I proactive in taking on or looking for additional responsibility?
- How do I tactfully suggest better ways of doing things?
- How do I offer ideas for improvement without putting others on the defensive?
- Do I show up on time for work and begin work immediately in a way that contributes to the team?
- Am I alert and "mentally" present for work?
- How do I work to promote better morale with my team and other departments?
- How would I grade the overall quality of my work?
- Do I complete assignments on time and without being negative?
- How do I put forth my best in producing a product or service in which others can take pride?
- Have I received leadership training in the area of conflict resolution?
- Am I open to leadership training in the areas of personal and professional development? If I've received this type of training, am I applying the skills learned?
Go back and reread the first five questions of this leadership test. As a team leader or manager, how are you demonstrating character, honesty, and credibility? I've found that in conducting leadership training worldwide, these are key characteristics employees want to see for them to willingly WANT to follow their leader. Were you able to answer "yes" to most of the questions? How would other team leaders in your organization score?
Remember, if people know they can trust you, they'll follow you.
"Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character. But if you must be without one, be without strategy." General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
We have observed seven interdependent characteristics of work relationships in successful practices. (To assess your practice's performance in these areas, use the tool below.)
Trust. This is the foundation for any successful collaboration. People in trusting relationships seek input from one another (and actually use it), and they allow one another to do their jobs without unnecessary oversight. Examples of trust include physicians allowing staff to use standing orders for services such as flu shots and practice managers making decisions based on input from staff. Individuals who trust one another can also openly discuss successes and failures to learn from them.
Diversity. Diversity can be defined as differences in the way people view the world. Whether it stems from differences in age, race, gender, education or experience, some diversity of thought will occur in any work setting. Successful practices do not merely tolerate diversity of opinions but encourage it. Diversity broadens the number of potential solutions and enables people in the practice to learn from one another.
Mindfulness. In mindful relationships, people are open to new ideas. A mindful practice avoids operating on autopilot, encourages everyone to express their ideas without fear of ridicule, criticism or punishment, and looks for ways to continually learn and improve.
Interrelatedness. This occurs when people are sensitive to the task at hand and understand how their work affects one another. In addition, they are continually aware of how each person contributes to the goals of the practice and the larger community. Practices that demonstrate this characteristic are better able to deal with unexpected events.
Respect. Respectful interactions are considerate, honest and tactful. People who respect one another value each other's opinions and willingly change their minds in response to what others say. Respect is especially important in challenging situations, as it can help individuals focus on problem solving.
Varied interaction. Relationships in practices can be described as social or task related. Social relationships are personal and often based on activities that exist outside of work; task-related relationships are focused on professional issues. Practices should not view social and task-related relationships as mutually exclusive. In successful practices, a mixture of social and task-related relationships is required, and practices should encourage both.
Effective communication. Communication between individuals can be described as rich or lean. Rich channels, such as face-to-face interaction or telephone conversations, are preferred for messages with potentially unclear meanings or emotional content. Lean channels, such as e-mails or memos, are preferred for more routine messages. In successful practices, individuals understand that both rich and lean communication channels are necessary, and they know when to use each strategy.
How to get there
Fostering these characteristics of positive work relationships in your practice is not the responsibility of a single person, such as your practice manager. While leadership can play an important role, each member of a practice should be expected to lead by example. Modeling desired behavior is one of the most effective ways to encourage the systemic development of these relationship characteristics.
For example, physicians should treat staff with respect and recognize how their actions affect the rest of the practice. They should make an effort to communicate messages effectively and encourage both social and task-related relationships by being social themselves.
What does it look like?
Where is your practice on this continuum?
Seeking input from others.
Allowing others to complete their work without unnecessary oversight.
Feeling comfortable discussing successes and failures.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Including people who have different backgrounds or perspectives.
Encouraging those who think differently about important issues to share their opinions.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Being open to new ideas.
Talking freely about what is and isn't working in the practice.
Adjusting routines in response to current situations; not running on autopilot.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Being attentive to current tasks as well as larger goals.
Being aware of individual roles and how they affect other functions and people in the practice.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Being considerate, honest and tactful.
Valuing others' opinions.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Understanding the importance of both social and task-related relationships.
Encouraging people to pursue activities outside of work.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Understanding when certain methods of communication are more appropriate and timely than others.
Using "rich communication" (e.g., face-to-face meetings) for more sensitive matters.
Using "lean communication" (e.g., memos) for routine matters.
| Always | | Sometimes | | Never |
Practices also should allow time to meet and discuss important issues. Practices that meet often provide the opportunity for group interaction and reflection, which results in learning, increased understanding and appropriate action.
Finally, practices should pay close attention to other factors that can influence the quality of their work relationships, such as the hierarchical nature of the staff or the physical layout and organization of the practice. Anything that could potentially hinder the creation of successful work relationships should be examined.
Trust, diversity, mindfulness, interrelatedness, respect, varied interaction and effective communication may seem like simple concepts, but they are critical. When these characteristics are modeled, developed and nurtured, the practice has a better chance of operating successfully.
Don Gabor, in his book Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations, gives these examples as ways to boost your listening skills:
Person 1. "I'm not all that crazy about it." < - - - underline indicates key words
Person 2. "Tell me exactly what you don't like about it."
Person 1. "It ought to be pretty clear what I think about that great idea of yours."
Person 2. "I have no idea what you think of my idea. Do you like it or not?"
Person 1. "You know what I'm trying to say!"
Person 2. "No, I don't know what you are trying to say. Please tell me exactly what you mean."
Mr. Gabor offers these tips for using TACTFUL conversations:
- T = Think before you speak
- A = Apologize quickly when you blunder
- C = Converse, don't compete
- T = Time your comments
- F = Focus on behavior - not on personality
- U = Uncover hidden feelings
- L = Listen for feedback
DOs and DON'Ts to Accompany T-A-C-T-F-U-L Strategies
DO be direct, courteous and calm DON'T be rude and pushy DO spare others your unsolicited advice DON'T be patronizing, superior or sarcastic DO acknowledge that what works for you may not work for others DON'T make personal attacks or insinuations DO say main points first, then offer more details if necessary DON'T expect others to follow your advice or always agree with you DO listen for hidden feelings DON'T suggest changes that a person can not easily make.
Could You Just Listen?
- When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.
- When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
- When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
- Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me.
- Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same paper.
- I can do for myself; I'm not helpless - maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
- When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
- But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
- When that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice..
- Irrational feelings make more sense when we understand what's behind them..
- Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people - because God is mute, and He/She doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
- "They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
- So, please listen and just hear me.
- And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.
. . . Author Unknown
Improving Presentation Skills
Making effective presentations to groups or key individuals is a regular part of an executive's job. Delivering a clearly understandable message that gains the support of the listeners obviously requires expertise in public speaking. Less obviously, it requires that you understand the perspective of your audience and be willing to adjust your presentation based on feedback during the session.
Experts tell us that public speaking ranks highest on the list of situations people fear most (followed by death!). Overcoming this fear requires education and practice, practice, practice!
Few of us are born to be excellent public speakers. We offer encouragement to those who feel insecure ≈ don't give up! Organizations such as Toastmasters (and many others) offer proven techniques for overcoming fear and assistance in mastering master speaking skills. We have seen many, many people become accomplished speakers, who in the past became speechless when asked to speak in public.
A personal experience: Many years ago, I (Barbara Taylor) worked for a boss who recognized that a co-worker and I would not progress well in our careers if we did not learn to overcome our fear of public speaking. The boss was program director for a national professional association and scheduled us to speak at their upcoming convention (a year away). We (naturally) were horrified when he told us his plan for us to speak there!! He explained that he would spend the year teaching us and coaching us how to speak in public. We were quite skeptical at first. After several months of coaching, we had lost our intense fear of speaking in public. By the time the convention came, we were excited and confident. We felt that we could talk about anything to anybody - because we had been doing it in so many different ways as part of our training. It was a wonderful learning experience for both of us and helped us both immensely as we progressed into management.
Some tips for improving presentation skills:
- Know your subject! This is most important.
- Prepare for the speaking situation (outline, writing the entire presentation, delivering it to friends or whatever works for you). Even professional public speakers take time to prepare themselves.
- Prepare outlines and overheads to help develop your confidence in your presentation (part of knowing your topic well).
- Have your outline (or overheads, slides or note cards) with you to refer to as you make the presentation and to trigger your thoughts as you speak.
- In the early stages of your preparation, ask someone you trust to listen to your presentation and give you honest feedback in a one-on-one situation. Ask them what works well and what needs improvement. The more important the results of your presentation are to you, the more important it is to get help in refining your presentation.
- Take classes where you are able to develop presentations and have them critiqued (e.g., classes in public speaking or verbal presentation skills, Toastmasters).
- Tape your presentation (videotape is best) and ask others to critique your presentation. Watch yourself and learn to look for subtle body language clues to your confidence or insecurity.
- Talk to people you respect about how they learned to speak well. Ask them to coach you (if that is appropriate) or try to find someone you admire who will work with you.
- When you are confident, relaxed and enthusiastic about your topic, that comes through strongly to your audience. Remember how much comes through non-verbal clues.
- Ask for feedback from your audience about your presentation and pay attention to what they say.
- In workshops, ask the participants to introduce themselves, state why they are there and what they hope to gain from the presentation. (This is most appropriate if you are making a speech or giving a class to strangers). Based on the participants' needs and expectations, you may adjust your presentation as you go through it.
- In a management presentation especially (e.g., to present your new budget or present sales information), stop occasionally to ask if people understand what you have said.
- If you have an executive coach (or someone who can play that role), have them sit in on your presentations and help you pick up clues from the group. (We did this very effectively with one of our clients who had been promoted to department manager. We used hand signals and other cues to let her know when she was going too fast, too slow or missing the body language of an executive group where she gave regular presentations.)
- Practice, practice, practice!
An aside about written communications:
The disparity in methods of delivering messages is why it is so difficult to write something that is clearly understand by large audiences - only 7% effectiveness is achieved by the words alone!
That is why good visual presentation ≈ using graphics, color, balanced design layout ≈ adds so much to a written message. These additional "clues" can help compensate for the non-verbal aspect of a written message by triggering emotions on the part of the reader. Without such non-verbal clues, the Internet would fail miserably as an effective communication tool.
Notice the difference in these two graphics (one animated and one plain) and the word by itself.
Which one gets your attention? Keep this little example in mind as you develop overheads, handouts and other written material for your presentations.
Leadership Communications Skills
Leaders, executives and managers need to be very clear about what they expect from others. One of the best exercises we have seen to assist in this area is from the book, The Leadership Challenge by James Kouzes and Barry Posner. One of their suggestions for setting an example and behaving consistently with your stated values is to write a "Leadership Credo."
How to Write a Leadership Credo
- Imagine that you are being sent on an assignment to a remote post for nine months. You will be unable to communicate in any way with your team during the time you are away.
- After nine months, you will return and resume your present responsibilities.
- You are allowed to leave behind a one page guideline (your business beliefs, philosophy, values, credo) on how people should conduct business in your absence.
- Write a memo with your guidelines to your team members and others.
- These guiding principles will be given to everyone who works in the organization you lead.
- Take the time to do this exercise.
- Treat it as real.
- Share it with the people on your team.
- Read it to them and give it to them in written form.
- Ask them if they understand it.
- Ask them if they can adhere to the values you have given them.
- Review and revise your statement as necessary.
This "simple" exercise is a very powerful way to measure your effectiveness in clear communication. It forces you to create a document that is clear, powerful and succinctly captures your business philosophy. It is also a strong measure of your ability to translate what you feel into succinct communication that others can use, understand and learn from.
One example of a leadership credo actually put into practice.
If you are willing to do this exercise, it will forever change you for the better. It may lead to pleasantly surprising results with your team members.
Example of a Leadership Credo
- Trust yourself and your own instincts
- Respect others at all times
- Keep smiling
- Love yourself
- Share and stay together
- Enjoy what you do
- Always learn new things
- Accept responsibility for yourself and your actions
- Leave the world a better place than you found it
- Ask "why" and "why not"
- Look at "problems" as "challenges"
- See everyday as a gift
- Be grateful, always
- And, most of all, remember that I love you.
(Comment: the last line was suggested by the team members).
A very good advice
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