Softpanorama (slightly skeptical) Open Source Software Educational Society

May the source be with you, but remember the KISS principle ;-)

Rules of Verbal Self Defense against Corporate Psychopaths

1. Establish and maintain a safe distance. Active listening and empathy with corporate psychopaths ( giving a bully a sympathetic ear ) will perpetuate the abuse. Use negative politeness. 
    
2. Check everything he/she said for truthfulness. Learn to differentiate  manipulation, especially manipulation using guild (a typical trick by women PIMM):
   • Manipulation is inventing a bogus reason why you want somebody to do something (usually for you) and then convincing them of your correctness. Classic example is manipulation using guild, for example, "or I am so overworked, I am working 10 hours a days, and you do not help me enough".
     
   • Motivation is genuinely seeking out the wants, needs, and desires of the other party, and then working with the other party to find solutions that meet your needs - and theirs.

   Protect your boundaries. Always remember between the main difference between manipulation and motivation:

   • Manipulation is inventing a bogus reason why you want somebody to do something (usually for you) and then convincing them of your correctness
     
   • Motivation is genuinely seeking out the wants, needs, and desires of the other party, and then working with the other party to find solutions that meet your needs - and theirs.
    
3. Never trust PIMM especially his good intentions ("good cop" manipulation attempts), they are all phony.  The next time he/she will be different ("bad cop").
   • Remember that few people are sophisticated enough to avoid to be manipulated by skilled and determined psychopath. So the less information you provide and the less trust you maintain the better your chances to avoid becoming a victim of your own gullibility.
   • Of course pathological lying and manipulation are not restricted to psychopath. What makes psychopath different from all others is the remarkable ease with which they lie, the pervasiveness of their deception, and the callousness with which they carry it out.
     
     
4. Use silence as a weapon. Many people feel uncomfortable with silence and are tempted to fill it with their next question or comment. However, your silence could induce the other person to keep talking. Try it with a friend; avoid the temptation to jump in as quickly as you normally would, and see what happens. Silence can be a powerful motivator for PIMM to treat you differently.
    
5. Deflect the attacks. Guard emotional distance. Ignore negative criticism and do not allow PIMM to wound your self-respect or exploit you by emotional blackmail. Expect the following accusations:
    
   • To avoid traps seek clarification of assignments or statements that can get you in troubleIf you believe that this is trap try to dig deeper! Say something like, "What do you mean by that?", or "what situations are you referring to? Can you give me an example?" When asking for clarification keep in mind that you might be able to win time by asking for delay with the decision.
   • Expect accusations like: You have a "negative attitude", you're a "poor performer", you're "not up to the job", "you should be a be better team player" and so on.
     
   • Deflect accusation using proper wording. If PIMM attacks you with ‘You did this,’ don’t respond with ‘I did not.’ Instead try, ‘Oh really. You felt I did it. What I can tell you is this …’ or ‘Let’s talk about it for a minute.’
     
   • Instead of saying "I am sorry" give more useful possible responses to emotional blackmail, such as "I can understand how you might see it that way," and if this was an emotional outburst "Let's talk when you're feeling calmer."
     
     
6. Practice "negative politeness". Be indirect and positive while maintain safe distance.. The main focus for using this strategy is to impose a distance between you and the opponent by showing that you do not intrude into their private space and expect them the same. Establish some social distance by using
    
   • Be indirect: "I'm looking for a report."  instead of "Do you know were is this report?" In this situation you are communicating that you do not intent to take up the hearer's time unless they want to give it.  Therefore, by using this indirect strategy, you hope they will offer to go find one for you.
      
   • Forgiveness: "You must forgive me, but...."
      
   • Minimize imposition: "I just want to ask you if I could use your computer?"
      
   • Pluralize the person responsible: "We forgot to tell you that you needed to by your plane ticket by yesterday." This takes all responsibility off of only you and onto "we", even if you were the person responsible for telling the hearer when the deadline was to buy the ticket.
      
7. Carefully watch the adjectives you use to describe the thinking/behavior/situation you are criticizing.
    
   1. Refer to incidents and examples of manager behavior as observations you have made, not to as things that the manager has done. Always ask for feedback.
   2. Say 'I am aware of' or 'I have noticed a trend' rather than 'You did' or 'When you'. When things go wrong, a positive attitude means a lot to people who work with you, including your boss.
      
   3. Communicate questions or suggestions for solutions, rather than complaints.
      
   4. Volunteer suggestions to mitigate the problem, and don't be offended if they're not always implemented.
      
   5. Avoid sarcasm: this is like putting salt into wounds of low self-esteem people.
      
   6. Never say never ;-) Avoid "always" and "never" language. Since exaggerated language is rarely true, the whole statement is negated by the listener. ''You always leave a disaster behind you." ''You never get your payroll in on time." Avoid non neutral or offensive working as well as working the presuppose direct demands on PIMM: Prohibited phases or approaches include but are not limited to.
      • I think you overlooked
      • You made a mistake
      • You don't know
      • Do you know
      • You cannot
      • You should
   7. Avoid stating how the PIMM behavior emotionally affects you. For example correct communication is "I have difficulties to achieve this objectives without timely responses on my request" vs. incorrect "You always ignore me! You make me so angry!" (see below on avoiding too broad generalization like "always and never" language. Never say never ;-)
      
   8. When offering criticism, it’s wise to concentrate on possible solutions not statements related to facts. If you did not ruff the feathers of PIMM some of them might be accepted.
      
   9. Do not make generic critical remarks or exaggerate the problems. PIMMs are loaded with venom and anger that won't enable your direct criticism to be heard. Instead of saying, "Your expectations are completely ridiculous, you'll never get your work done,"...try, "I analyzed by year workload spreadsheet and it looks like those timeline expectations need to be worked at a little bit further"
      
8. Study shallow language of negative criticism produced by PIMMs and learn to distinguish typical "blows under the belt" and traps. PIMM are prominent masters of negative criticism which leaves PIMM's slaves feeling hurt, defensive, and afraid about being criticized more. You should understand that PIMM produces negative criticism like cow produces milk. This is not personal, this is just a manifestation of PIMM psychopath core. Also they repeats the same tricks again and again:
   • PIMM critique isn't strategic. The critic does not think about what specifically they want to change or what goals and solutions they can offer.
     
   • PIMM critique isn't improvement oriented. S/he doesn't know how to improve the situation.
     
   • PIMM critique attacks self-esteem. The critic uses labels (such as "noncoorpative", "bad team player" -- that's funny because under PIMM there is no team, just a pack of frightened dogs ;-), speaks in absolutes, and does not allow the recipient to save face.
     
   • PIMM overuses CorporateSpeak. PIMM use of language is very peculiar and very formal, often over-infested with the corporate jargon like "team work", empowerment", etc.
     
   • PIMM often try to instill fear, uncertainty and doubt by using negative statements with words like "should" instead of "could." For example the catch phase "you should be a be better team player" just means that PIMM suspect that you purposely or accidentally criticized her or keep her out of the loop.
     
   • It comes with no supporting evidence. Critic does not support comments with evidence or fair comparisons.
     
     
9. Speak at least twice slower then you normally do. Each time you want to say something avoid traps and check five things:
   • Am I angry or exited ? Do not ever have that conversation in the heat of the moment. Speak only when you are calm.
   • Is this non-threatening ?
   • Is this professional ?
   • Is this polite ?
   • Is this question PIMM abilities or self-respect ?
   • Did PIMM try to lure me into "trust me" trap ?
     
10. Manage your anger. Don't overreact to the PIMM outbursts. Keep your cool. If you become too simmering with anger especially during another outburst of PIMM, try to stay cool. This guy is just a jerk after all and does not deserve strong emotional reaction. Force yourself to concentrate on the message instead of the PIMM tone or accusations. Message can be and often is quite different and more connected with PIMM internal problems and insecurities then you think.
    
    Corporate psychopaths are often petty sadists who like to vent out their problems by torturing other people.  Ask yourself: "What is he or she actually saying and what actual problem might be behind all this outbursts.
    
     Always remains within the boundaries of office etiquette even in case of acute provocations. Later carefully document this particular outburst as another case of abuse. Inform superiors about this behavior using anonymous feedback provided by your company, were your anonymity will (formally) be protected.
    
    
    • Blowing your fuse in front of your manager solves nothing, but demonstrates clearly that you can't control emotions and as such is vulnerable to emotional blackmail. Also it invites retaliation: you can be fired for insubordination. This doesn't mean you have to sit and stew when you're angry. But learn how to communicate your anger appropriately. If anger management is difficult for you, sign up for a course to help you deal with it.
      
      
    • Instead of blowing the fuse you can ask for a "peer review" of most ridiculous proposal if you really cannot stand them. Your peers might be quite helpful in blocking proposal but there is always danger of retaliation.
       
      
    • Say that you are not ready to accept or decline the proposal and you need more time.
      
      • Respect does not mean that you should agree with unfair critique. But try to counter very carefully and non-confrontationally. Remember they want to fight, not you.
        
      • Do not directly dispute the accusation but outline consequences along the lines "If you don't like my cooking, you're welcome to fix your own dinner." Such a response does not enter into a debate regarding the accusation.
        
      • Remember that upper management and HR are normally on the boss's side. I don't feel that there's much space for direct confrontation for people who are being bullied by their bosses. Show respect in conversations and use indirect counterattacks and that means studying your boss, including his employment history and documenting everything.
        
        
11. Learn to listen between line and analyzing the real meaning behind the words
    
    1. Keep analyzing what the speaker's saying as he talks. Mentally sum up what's been said. PIMM are pathological liars. Weigh the evidence by considering whether the facts are accurate and the viewpoints are objective, or whether the PIMM tries to misinform you.
       
       
    2. Listen between the lines. Concentrate not only on what's being said but also on the attitudes, needs and motives behind the words. Remember that the PIMM words may not always contain the entire message.
       
       The changing tones and volume of the speaker's voice may have meaning. So may facial expressions, gestures and body movements.
       
       Being alert to nonverbal cues increases your total comprehension of the message.
    For example, sometimes the message and behavioral cues differ considerably.
    
    For example if the PIMM says he's excited about an idea or project, his lack of spontaneous movement, wandering or downcast eyes, unanimated tone of voice, masked face or hunched posture may indicate he feels differently.
    

    
    

12. Remember about PIMM patsies. Forget about BS of "establishing trust". The first thing PIMM destroys is trust and you need to be aware that he tries to entice your weaker colleagues to spy on you. In such environment a weaker personalities often adopts the role of patsy as a self-protection mechanism and might even comply and even try to provoke you to "frank talk" that will be reported to PIMM. The environment PIMM creates is characterized by old Latin quote "Homo homini lupus est" ( Man is a wolf to his fellow-man.). They build up a power base and because they are paranoid, they turn all subordinates into paranoia wrecks: everyone becomes afraid of everyone else and the work culture begins to reflect the personality of the leader. Team soom became resemble a pack of frightened dogs.
    
13. Maintain safe distance from your boss and his patsies all the time... Show formal, cold respect. Even if your boss definitly does not deserve your loyalty and assault your self-worth, by the fact that you are employed in the organization he or she is still entitled to your formal respect in conversations.
    
    1. Remember to keep your business relationships strictly about business. Do not try to get too close.
       
    2. Keep your feelings of resentment and anger to family and friends outside the work environment. Your interests will be easier to protect if you haven't left yourself wide open to others. Never try to communicate the problems about your boss with colleagues who often contact with her/him unless you definitly want that s/he knows about your feeling without the necessity of speaking directly.
       
    3. Never lose you guard and get into "please tell me the truth trap". Try your utmost to conceal your real feeling and your real level of anger at this jerk both to him and his patsies; maintain the illusion of productive working relationship while trying to protect the remants of freedom that remains. Do not trust abrupt changes (sometimes demostrated during the same meeting) when previously hostile boss (playing bad cop) in a moment turns into good cop and try to demonstrate friendliness before you or even the whole group. PIMM are usually an excellent actors, real chameleons and can wear many masks. The guys who recommend "assertive communication" with PIMM are on crack.
       
14. Avoid stepping on PIMM insecurity. Incompetent PIMM who are driven by fear and instantly counterattack any attempt to challenge their positive image:
    
    1. Avoid directly questioning their absurd orders or opinions. Try politely deflect them if they are really stupid citing some kind of external insurmountable difficulties or possible adverse reaction of other groups.
       
    2. Avoid direct attacks on PIMM competence for example by openly challenging his/her technical opinions. This is tantamount to suicide, especially if you like the firm as a whole. They can and will make your life a living hell. Save you energy and mental health by using such assignments as an opportunity to work on areas relevant to some certifications. After all if the direction of really absurd your level of efforts does not matter: failure is guaranteed.
       
15. Learn "CorporateSpeak" and masquerade complains and demands under the fog of career development with heavy doze of CorporateSpeak BS. CorporateSpeak"--a sort of industrial pig-Latin. Full of acronyms, it has become the means of choice to lessen the level of hostility inherent in modern workplace by mislabeling the common terms. Learn to translate all complains in corporate speak ("career development" language to be more precise). Consider this your new programming language that requires time and effort to master but quickly provide payoff. Always try to communicate your dissatisfaction with status quo in purely "carrier development" terms and in a positive and respectful way. Refusing to use while working for PIMM is a professional suicide.
    
    • Use work overload as an excuse. Disguise attempts to loosen grip as attempts to find a better solution to the overload problem, "How about if we meet for 20 minutes on Monday mornings, and you can direct me for the week and we can save time on interruptions during the week?
      
    • Get some Harvard Business School book to learn the appropriate jargon. HBS enjoys tremendous success in obscuring English language. They are the best. Dull, verbose, evasive language that disguises empty-headed clichés with jargon-drenched hype is your greatest friend. Remember about such terms "empowerment", "career development", etc.
      An accusatory tone if big "no, no" and diminishes your survival chances. Corporate Speak buzzwords can diminish the level of stress you have and avoid being branded as a rebel.
      
      
16. Give honest feedback about the progress of the project and other work related situations but sugarcoat and camouflage in "positive" buzzwords your message. For example you should always use "considerable improvement" instead of "improvement" ;-) Honesty is the best policy but temper your honesty with diplomacy.
    
    
    • Speak slowly, choose your words wisely and use a very gentle tone. This is a chess party and works are you pieces. Like in chess wait for formulating your next move and push "vitual chess clock button" before starting to speak. Verify that you message survive  the "five points verbal responce test" before speaking.
      
    • Never try to dictate the course of action to control freaks, PIMM react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom.
      
    • Use "CorporateSpeak" to camouflage your message as widely as possible. Perhaps the best parallel can be drawn from Orwell’s dystopian 1984. It is extremely useful you need to deemphasize clarity. It is a perfect tool to conceal real meaning of everything. Search the internet for inspiration. Here is one nice example

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