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Softpanorama
(slightly skeptical)
Open Source Software Educational Society |
May the
source be with you,
but remember the KISS principle ;-)
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Narcissistic Managers: Type 4 of Corporate Psychopaths
"Vanity, thy name is narcissism".
The narcissist is just one type of corporate psychopath
and it shares more then 90% of traits with the general case of psychopathic manager
whose true character is disguised behind an image the psychopath wants to project.
For example Alexander Lowen suggested that paranoid personality is a subtype
of “narcissistic character”. It goes without saying that like all psychopaths
narcissists are always a bully and they share most personal and behavioral traits
with them ( see Behavior
of the serial bully for the original list):
- Often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what
is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments
of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
- Is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief
in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between:
- leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation,
trust, integrity)
- bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation,
distrust, deceitfulness)
- Often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and
narcissistic
attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring
and compassionate person, in contrast to their behavior and treatment of
others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain
oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are
seen by others
- Many are control freaks with some behavior patterns that are close to micromanagers.
Like all psychopath they lack empathy and consider co-workers, subordinates and
family members as objects that can be instrumental in achieving certain goals. For
him they are not humans they are just tools. Actually the best insight into
narcissistic bosses can be obtained not from reading "self-help" literature devoted
to the topic but from literature devoted to the
analysis of the behavior of the leaders of high demand cults. The
same is actually true for the bullies.
What distinguish narcissists from other corporate psychopaths is an all-pervasive
pattern of self-promotion, need for admiration or adulation. False positive
and often grandiose (super competent, super-diligent, super-workaholic, super-economical,
etc) image the narcissist quite cleverly imposes on the world is not unique
trait and is typical for other types of corporate psychopaths, but here the key
difference is pure amount of efforts spend on building and maintaining the image.
Narcissist is psychopath preoccupied with building a
false and often grandiose self-image. Almost nothing can be spared
in efforts to have people admire, applaud and envy in order to create it.
While according to Greek origin of the term a narcissist is a person
in love with himself, in reality, it is mostly the opposite. Narcissists suffer
from the acute lack of self-respect. That's why narcissism is frequently discussed
as a type of depression.
The overall pattern of narcissistic behavior (aka "inventive personality"
type) is unstable behavior caused by insecurity and weakness rather than any real
feelings of confidence or self-esteem. Here's the list of the behaviors that can
be sometimes found in representatives of this category of corporate psychopath.
They all underline the main theme: the subordinates, staff (or should I say "stuff"?)
are just instruments for projecting an artificial positive image.
Commentator John Hockenberry recently
linked narcissism and politics
He hypothesized that:
"Narcissism IS politics in America. What else can the
world possibly think listening to our political rhetoric... the constant invocations
of being the greatest nation on earth, the greatest
people, the pinnacle of civilization, the divine custodians of all that is moral
and free in the world?"
As always be aware that "trait" based static definitions are very
limited and cannot provide true insights into this psychopathic behavior that is
driven all consuming addition to power:
- Attempts to create an artificial positive image
to compensate for his own low self-worth; demands to be recognized
as superior without commensurate achievements; careful hiding of personal incompetence
under the mask, for example of demanding but fair manager. Masters of creating
"artificial reality". Narcissists are adept at manipulating and are excellent
imitators (Zelig-like types, chameleons). They like to project work ethic
and emphasize team work, while destroying the team and converting it into a
pack of frightened animals. The narcissist is willing to accept
the employee as an "under-humans", whose very position as such serves to support
his grandiose fantasies.
- Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority
treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations.
- Disguises sense of inadequacy by arrogance; Exaggerates
and boasts; Engaged in systematic and arrogant exaggeration of own achievements
and talents.
- Narcissists are pathological compulsive liars. They think nothing
of it because their very self is fake, an invention.
- Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about
him or her
- Shamelessly exploits others to achieve his need for approval;
that means hiding other achievements and/or presenting them as own.
- Little or no empathy for other (which is typical for all psychopaths).
Narcissists are arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and manipulative. All contacts
are pure instruments in achieving the goals. For narcissistic managers staff
is actually "stuff": they cares little for others other than as a source of
affirmation. Their
co-workers as mere instruments, objects, tools.
- Kiss-up behavior as narcissists depends on peers for a sense of self-worth;
pays a lot of attention to association with people of status and achievement;
envious of others and expects others to be envious of him or her."Status
freak".
- Constantly aspires for status, is compulsive "ladder climber"
including obsessive attraction to various status symbols.
- Attempts to overcome feeling of inadequacy by overcontrol; they are
often controls freaks and micromanagers although of different flavor then paranoid
incompetent micromanagers (PIMM).
- Often sadistic and disguise their sadism under "mentoring" label.
- they "educate" their nearest and dearest to death. This
"education" is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical.
Its effect is to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence,
to intimidate, to restrain, to control, to paralyze.
- Usually blocks all communication to/from above -- gatekeeper.
- Frequent Anger and Rage directed on subordinates or selected "targets".
Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated,
contradicted, or confronted. --
tantrums are used as a way of keeping her uncomfortable feelings from
being experienced by attacking those who cannot fight back.
Narcissist anticipates
attack and takes offense easily, reacting with tantrums. Engages in revenge
fantasies; in family life narcissist transforms
life with him into a constant battle.
- Needs immediate gratification, resulting in poorly performing in situations
requiring staying power in which accomplishing difficult objectives which take
considerable time;
- Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with
a different approach is seen as personally attacking the narcissist.
Rules rule, and some narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little
things, like grammar errors. I knew a narcissistic computer programmer
who would refuse to answer any e-mail that used non-accepted word abbreviations!
- ("My way is the ONLY RIGHT way and any other way is WRONG, WRONG,
WRONG").
- Is extremely sensitive to reactions of others and
highly vulnerable to criticism and adverse judgment;
ridicules the achievements of others.
- Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me?
That lying bastard, I swear I'll get even, if it takes years").
This essay notes
that it especially difficult to do anything critical
with the narcissist because they see the criticism as a threat to their self,
making them great fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense
of adequacy, the narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However, the
narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth does not allow him or
her to risk any criticism."
- Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and they like
to present "proofs" that they are correct. The narcissist cannot accept
responsibility for making a mistake and they are expert at diverting the blame
to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because my team
let me down").
- Arrogant, boastful and pretentious; often fakes competence. - These
are people with stupid/fake certificates and awards on their walls, the kind
of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or use inflated job titles like
"Engineer, Physicist" in their resume job histories. - (i.e. "I'm a Sanitation
Engineer"). This narcissistic trait is especially prevalent in computer
work where people elevate themselves to "expert" status, and then treat people
in a demeaning way when they get questions ("Boy, now that's a really stupid
question. Where did you go to college?)".
Here is one interesting review of the book
Emotional
Blackmail When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate
You. I found on Amazon (Please note that Sam Valkin is an author of book on
Narcissism and being himself a narcissist tends to exaggerate things):
The Guilt of the Abused, November 23, 2003
This book describes insightfully the danse macabre that is the abuser-victim
dyad. Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with
a narcissist (and a choice it is). Constant guilt feelings, self-reproach, self-recrimination
and, thus - self-punishment typify the relationships formed between the
sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent
mate or partner.
The narcissist projects his inner turmoil and drags everyone around
him into a swirl of bitterness, suspiciousness, meanness, aggression and pettiness.
His life is a reflection of his psychological landscape: barren, paranoiac,
tormented, guilt ridden. He feels compelled to do unto others what he perpetrates
unto himself. He gradually transforms all around him into replicas of his conflictive,
punishing personality structures.
Some narcissists are more subtle than others. They disguise their sadism.
For instance, they "educate" their nearest and dearest (for their
sake, as they present it). This "education" is compulsive,
obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is to erode
the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain,
to control, to paralyze.
The narcissist deliberately confuses responsibility with guilt and demands
compensation for his or her "sacrifices". By provoking guilt in responsibility-laden
situations, the narcissist transforms life with
him into a constant trial.
The narcissist-victim dyad is a conspiracy, a collusion of victim and mental
tormentor, a collaboration of two needy people who find solace and supply in
each other's deviations. Only by breaking loose, by aborting the game, by ignoring
the rules - can the victim be transformed (and by the way, acquire the newly
found appreciation of the narcissist).
The narcissist's partner should not feel guilty or responsible and should
not seek to change what only time (not even therapy) and (difficult) circumstances
may change. She should not strive to please and to appease, to be and not to
be, to barely survive as a superposition of pain and fear.
Releasing herself from the chains of guilt and from the throes of a debilitating
relationship - is the best help that a loving mate can provide to her ailing
narcissistic partner. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited".
Notes:
- Those pages are written by people for whom English is not a
native language. Some amount of grammar and spelling errors
should be expected.
- This is a Spartan WHYFF (We Help You For Free) site. It
cannot replace the best teachers and
the
best books.
- The site contain some obsolete pages as it develops like a
living tree... Some links on older pages
are broken. Please
try to use Google, Open directory, etc. to find a replacement link
(see
HOWTO search the WEB for details).
We would appreciate if you can
mail us a correct link.
|
|
This is an illusion that you can get past the narcissist's defenses with compassionate,
empathetic communication. Once you fully grasp the fact that a narcissist is an
abuser, why would you do anything but fight or run for the hills? You cannot
help them. You cannot heal them. You will not change them. As one reader
pointed out "Here are some of the behaviors described:
1. They are never EVER wrong.
2. They never admit to anything.
3. Nothing is ever a great idea unless it comes from them.
4. You will never get any credit for what you do. Ever.
5. They don't seem to know or care how what they say might impact you.
6. You get hopelessly entangled in their arguments, and it never leads to a
resolution.
7. Emotion = Weakness."
What an eye opener!, October 16, 2007
By
Stormy -
See all my reviews
I'm a 51 year old female who needed to read this book when I was 11 and then
promptly be moved to another family! Both of my parents are Narcissists, but
I didn't know what it was until I read this book. The book describes exactly
how I was treated by both of my parents and why I never had a sense of self.
I was never asked my thoughts, I was told how I was going to think and what
I was going to do. Everything this book details is real. 15 years ago I severed
ties with my father because he was the more physical abuser. I just recently
I severed ties with my mother. Both of them are very abusive. I didn't realize
what a lacky I was to my mother but always felt she didn't like me, or was jealous
of me, or always but always disappointed her.
She has tried to take over my life, my husband - almost telling me how to
have sex with him or someone else will do it for me and my house by walking
in rearranging my furniture, putting things on the wall and
telling me that she's "helping me" and how everything
would look so much better her way and has divided my 2 brothers and I to where
we don't speak to one another anymore and she has blamed me for it.
The control, mental abuse and meanness is behind
closed doors and out in the open other people always wondered why I was so sensitive
around my mother because she always was so delightful to be around.
I moved away from my family when I was 24, and have back around my mother
for 10 years. I'm absolutely drained of emotion. I understand now why I had
depression and still have it and why I feel I need to please everyone and be
a non entity.
From reading this book, I am working on being my own person with my own actual
thoughts and views and hold my head up high. The book does give you examples
on how to get along with this type of person, only if you want to get along
with them.
For those who do, its a good guideline. For those who don't, read this book
and beat your demons! What you thought was happening to you - it was and this
validates those thoughts - the narcissist isn't
ever going to validate you as a person. Break Free! This book
has helped me tremendously to understand "it wasn't me" and I just might be
worthy of someone loving me. 51 years to find that out.... what a waste of a
life.
All I can say is WOW, December 2, 2007
By
Angelo
(Stamford CT) -
See all my reviews
I dated someone who is described in this book, and while together I didn't
know what the heck was wrong with her thinking at times...that is until I read
this book. A happy relationship most of the time, it then became crazy other
times, getting worse and worse as time went on. Eleanor Payson hits it right
on the nose and explains the child-like behaviors that would occasionally surface
from an otherwise truly brilliant and highly successful woman. Here are some
of the behaviors described:
1. They are never EVER wrong.
2. They never admit to anything.
3. Nothing is ever a great idea unless it comes from them.
4. You will never get any credit for what you do. Ever.
5. They don't seem to know or care how what they say might impact you.
6. You get hopelessly entangled in their arguments, and it never leads to a
resolution.
7. Emotion = Weakness.
And on and on it goes. The closer you get to them, the worse it becomes. Every
chapter sent me reeling as all these behaviors are discussed. Probably half
the book is highlighted in yellow and I read it twice. It was like this book
was written about her.
It also helped me confront my part in the whole thing as well.
READ THIS BOOK if you suspect a significant other or parent has these tendencies
listed above. If so, this book will blow you away. I wish I had this knowledge
DURING the relationship and not after I ended it. Understanding the dynamic
has brought me some closure and the wisdom of avoiding anything like it again.
The sad (and most painful) part is that the only healthy thing you can do is
leave.
You cannot help them. You cannot heal them. You will not change them.
Fell short of what is promised, March 6, 2008
Karen E. Fauls-traynor "karenft"
(Chittenango, New York USA)
Overall, I found this book to be disappointing. It was helpful in terms of
learning about narcissists and why they behave the way they do. The information
about schemas and the reasons why we let narcissists push our buttons was also
interesting. What I was looking for--as promised in the book--was strategies
for dealing with people with this disorder, and I thought that those listed
were very unrealistic. The examples of helpful dialogue that the author gives
are just not practical. A narcissist would be have tuned out after the first
sentence of most of those monologues. The tips for dealing with a narcissist
coworker were few and far between. Basically, I was left with the impression
that there is not much you can do about a narcissist in your life except change
your own behavior or get them out of your life.
It's important to understand that people dealing with a narcissist will get
only devaluation, criticism, and, especially, denial of any responsibility for any wrongdoing.
The yellow brick road, December 18, 2004
Joe Kort "www.joekort.com"
(Royal Oak, Michigan United States) -
See all my reviews
This book opened my eyes as a therapist about the *covert* narcissism that
exists in families, particularly among women. There are so few books identifying
both of these key components. Most books examine male narcissists along with
the overt nature of the disorder. This book shines a different light and adds
to the prism of possiblities for recovery.
This book helped me understand so much., October 24, 2003
>By
John B. Collins "John Collins the
Architect"
(Denver, CO USA) -
See all my reviews
As a 48 year old guy who has been working his way out of narcissistic codependence
for about 15 years, this book clarified several issues I wasn't even aware of.
Specifically, Ms. Payson deals squarely with the lack of self-esteem that a
narcissist will imbue in a codependent's life. (The narcissist says, "I'm OK,
you've got a long way to go and you'll never get there anyway.) Another thing
is the insidious, clandestine way in which NPD's work their sordid magic. An
NPD is someone with narcissistic personality disorder. The author goes through
a 9 item list of the pitfalls and traps that keep a codependent codependent.
Ms. Payson also explains in depth how being in a relationship with an NPD can
happen in your love life, your work life, and your family life. Often these
adult situations are a reliving of the same type of relationship from one's
childhood. So much is clearer now and I feel much steadfast in my resolve to
overcome this disorder. I have reassessed many of my friendships and old situations
only to realize that I was unwittingly reliving my past.
Mrs. Payson's language is clear, warm-hearted, and exact. She uses examples
based on experiences of clients from her practice. All in all, I highly recommend
this book to those who suffer from narcissistic co-dependence and those who
know someone who does.
An excellent, truly helpful book, April 27, 2006
Black Hole Of
Books (Chicago, IL)
I'm not a big fan of the self-help genre in general, but The Wizard of Oz
and Other Narcissists really struck home. I recently broke up with a narcissist
for whom I was the codependent, and at a number of points in the book I just
had to put it down for a moment and have a "Wow" moment. Not only Payson's descriptions
of narcissistic traits (which made me a little uncomfortable, since I recognized
some of my own behavior in them) but also her descriptions of the dynamics between
narcissists and codependents have the ring of authentic experience; that's really
what it's like being with an NPD sufferer. She also made me wonder: was this
last one just the tip of the iceberg? Were there more before? Will there be
more afterward? Some of this stuff gets pretty scary, but I really couldn't
put the book down.
I did take one star away for the writing, which is...well, not so great. There
are lots of cliches, and the proofreading seems to be sort of nonexistent. ("Illusive"
rather than "elusive?" Hmmm.) I found the writing distracting at points, but
the force of the points Payson makes generally overcame the sludgy prose.
This Hits The Nail On The Head!, September 19, 2005
eclectic1 -
See all my reviews
I've been in a committed relationship with someone who can double-talk circles
about absolutely anything and around absolutely anyone.
He rarely tells the truth about anything -- no matter
how small the situation. Nothing is ever his fault. The most
benign statement to him throws him into immediate defensive or striking-out-at-anyone
mode. He doesn't give the slightest care about the effect his words or behavior
has on anyone else's feelings or life. I thought I wasn't understanding enough,
kind enough, or patient enough. This book helped rescue me from sure insanity!
If you have a feeling you're in a relationship of
confusion, lies, and emotional abuse -- you're probably living with someone
in the throes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This
is a must read handbook to help you sort through all the smoke & mirrors your
"special someone" has been using to distract you from who he (or she) really
is!
Amazon.com Why Is It Always About You The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism Sandy
Hotchkiss,James F. Masterson Books
Dealing with the egotists in your life., August 4, 2002
By
R. Shaff "Velocipede"
(USA) -
See all my reviews
This review is from:
Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life
(Hardcover)
Think you don't know a narcissist? Think again. Narcissists are everywhere
particularly, in the public eye. Think about the Enron and Worldcom disasters.
Do you think Skilling and Fastow or Ebbers and Sullivan aren't as narcissistic
as they come? They fit the mold in spades. And how about our cultural obsession
with these egotists? Aren't we somewhat awestruck by the "My ... doesn't stink"
stars? From time-to-time, we're all a bit 'wowed.' I'm certainly guilty but
perhaps now I'll have a better understanding of the circumstances surrounding
the situations and 'icons' involved. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU is an extremely
insightful expose' on the egotists in your world, whether mildly or flagrantly
narcissistic. And, this 'disease' doesn't just apply to our public figures;
it can be as close as your immediate family or, heaven forbid, yourself!
Narcissism derives its origin from a youth in classical Greek Mythology,
Narcissus. The story goes that one day Narcissus saw his reflection in a pool
of water and immediately fell in love with his image. From that very moment,
he began to see everything as it related to his own image. The world was his
looking glass and his insatiable appetite for himself took him all over the
globe, and he was invariably pleased with what he saw. He left in his path a
troubling wake which slipped like a fever through the people who saw him.
Ms. Hotchkiss has nailed this subject when she posits "Their needs are more
important than anyone else's, and they expect to be accommodated in all things.
They can't comprehend why they might not always come first." Narcissists are
endearing, enticing creatures typically with extremely thick skins....but only
to certain elements. Think about the guy or gal at the cocktail party who brazenly
bullies his or her opinion on any and all subjects without any plausible evidence
to back them up. Some find these people oppressive, some finding them fascinating.
(As for me, I've just come to grips with the unmistakable fact that the breakup
of a previous business partnership was due primarily to a case of narcissism.
A childhood friend of mine who eventually became my partner was image-laden.
Eventually, all things relative to our business became 'how did it benefit him?'
Without knowledge of what I was experiencing, I became disenchanted and extremely
angry. Perhaps if I'd had Ms. Hotchkiss's book at hand, I might have been able
to craft an alternative path and save the partnership. Regardless, I have no
regrets at this point.)
Ms. Hotchkiss doesn't necessarily offer any new information about the origins
of narcissism but she does a fascinating job of portraying the disorder and
the types of behaviors associated with this 'malady.' According to Ms. Hotchkiss,
narcissists morph their personalities to suppress their internal negativity
and by so doing, lose all perspective of reality. This plus the constant need
for adoration and affirmation requires the personality morphing to achieve the
adulation they seek.
Ms. Hotchkiss breaks the narcissist down for the reader outlining the attributes
one should understand. She entitles these attributes, "The Seven Deadly Sins
of Narcissism" as follows: Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy,
Entitlement, Exploitation and Bad Boundaries. Ms. Hotchkiss illustrates these
qualities with profiles of the narcissists she's encountered throughout the
book. The irrefutable moral of each story is that these people are missing out
on what's really important. They are so busy loving themselves that they've
forgotten to love anyone else.
By |
Marcy
L. Thompson (Sammamish,
WA USA)
Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life
(Hardcover)
I admit to being disappointed in this book. Even so, it was a useful overview
of a pervasive problem, one that faces most of us much of the time: how do we
deal with self-absorbed narrcisists without being untrue to ourselves?
Things I liked about the book include the use of illuminating examples, the
checklists and suggested courses of action in dealing with particular kinds
of issues, and the excellent explanation of what narrcissism is and where it
comes from. In fact, the examples she gave of narcissism in action were all
extremely good and useful. After reading several books on the subject, I have
to say I think she does the best job of providing examples and elucidating them.
Things I did not like about the book include the fact that since she covers
so very much ground, much of it is covered superficially. One thing she did
frequently that eventually grated on me a lot was to include a disclaimer right
before offering advice about how to proceed in some particular kind of encounter
with a narcissist. This disclamer essentially said "make sure you aren't being
guilty of any narcissism before you start". Well, that makes sense. But one
of the things the book makes clear is that narcissists can't really see that
they are doing anything wrong at all. And so, I had to wonder exactly how is
the reader supposed to determine whether, in this case, she is acting rationally
or narcissistically?
In conjunction with other books, I think this one is useful. However, be
prepared for a certain level of superficiality. |
Claire is 47, a mother of two, and recently divorced. Her ex-husband, Dan,
58, was a successful businessman when they met 12 years ago. “By the time we
separated,” she says, “I no longer knew what was true and what was a lie. I
was emotionally battered, my confidence was in shreds, and I felt the person
I had once been had somehow been sucked out of me by Dan’s bullying and manipulation.”
A friend studying to be a psychotherapist suggested she look up narcissism
on the internet. “I began reading everything I could, and that led me to narcissistic
personality disorder [NPD]. It made me realise that not only me but a couple
of friends had experienced something similar in their relationships. NPD is
said to be particularly prevalent among the driven and ambitious.
“At first, I thought Dan was a really secure guy, with normal values and
objectives. A person with NPD will be whatever you want him to be – as long
as it suits him. Then, suddenly, you’re in exile, and you’re left perplexed,
blaming yourself for what you’ve apparently done wrong. I was either worshipped
or, more often, undermined. At the same time, whatever traits you have that
he finds attractive – and therefore threatening to his own sense of superiority
– he will set out to destroy.
“As the marriage progressed and I discovered more of his lies, the angrier
he became and the more he drank,” Claire recalls. “I begged him to get help
for the sake of the children – not realising that the root of the problem was
probably NPD.”
[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Dan agreed, but later Claire found out that the time he was supposed to be
spending in alcohol-addiction centres and on anger-management courses, he was
with his girlfriends. “Healthy narcissistic tendencies are life-preserving,”
she says. “But when the narcissism is extreme, it’s hugely destructive to everyone
around. It’s a form of emotional abuse that isn’t properly recognised yet, and
it ought to be. Narcissists play a subtle, long-term
psychological game that is truly deadly to the other person’s psyche.”
Claire is one of a growing number of people in Britain who are convinced
their partner, boss or one of their parents has NPD.
Although Freud published his study On Narcissism in 1914, NPD wasn’t officially
recognised as a personality disorder in the US until the 1980s.
Seen as the high-flyers’ disease, often allied with
drugs, gambling and alcohol abuse, it is now a multi-billion-dollar industry.
... ... ...
In the myth, falling in love with one’s own image is seen as punishment for
being incapable of loving another. In reality, NPD, at its most extreme, can
lead to murder. In 2004, the public-school boy Brian Blackwell, 19, stabbed
and bludgeoned his parents to death at their home in Merseyside before embarking
on a £30,000 spending spree. He was obsessed with fantasies of success, power
and brilliance, claiming, for instance, that he was a world-class tennis player.
He was diagnosed as suffering from NPD.
NPD appears to affect men more than women. A person with NPD is spectacularly
lacking in curiosity or concern for others, but can easily simulate both if
it ensures the continuation of what psychiatrists call “the narcissistic supply”
of uncritical admiration and adulation.
In Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, first published in 1985, the American
psychiatrist Dr Alexander Lowen refers to the case of Erich, brought to him
by his girlfriend, Janice. Dr Lowen asks Erich about his feelings. “Feelings!”
Erich replies. “I don’t have any feelings… I programme my behaviour so that
it is effective in the world.”
Erich describes his mother as perpetually on the verge of hysteria, provoked
by a father who was cold and hostile. Dr Lowen diagnoses that Erich has deadened
his emotions in response to his parents’ dysfunctional relationship. He writes:
“The narcissistic image develops in part as a compensation for an unacceptable
self-image and, in part, as a defence against intolerable feelings… a state
of living death.” Erich, in his relationship with Janice, has continued to shut
down feeling while exercising power. “He got her to love him without any loving
response on his part,” Dr Lowen explains. “Such exploitativeness is common to
all narcissistic personalities.”
So, how do you know if a person has NPD? Mental-health professionals in Europe
and the US draw on two sets of guidelines that are regularly updated by international
groups of psychologists and psychiatrists to help make a diagnosis.
The ICD-10, the World Health Organization’s classification
of mental and behavioural disorders, published in 1992, lists nine categories
of personality disorder, but does not include NPD.
In the US, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was
first published by the American Psychiatric Association in 1952, in part to
provide a benchmark for insurance companies handling medical claims. The fourth
and current version (DSM-IV), published in 1994, lists 10 categories of personality
disorder (see page 27) of which NPD is one. (DSM-V is due to be published in
2010.) DSM-IV also gives a list of nine characteristics, of which a person has
to have at least five before NPD is considered.
The nine include
- a grandiose sense of self-importance;
- preoccupations with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty
or ideal love;
- a belief that he or she is “special”, only understood by other “special”
people;
- a need for admiration;
- a sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectations of favourable treatment;
- exploitative, taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;
- unwillingness to recognise or identify with the needs of others;
- envious of others, or thinks others are envious of him or her,
- arrogance.
In its most extreme form, known as malignant narcissism, paranoia and physical
aggression may also be displayed: Stalin, Hitler and Saddam Hussein come to
mind. In the rich and successful, many of the characteristics of NPD are of
course seen as positive attributes. In a 2005 study, the psychologists Belinda
Board and Katarina Fritzon at Surrey University found that
three personality disorders, including NPD, were
more common in managers than in criminals.
In an article in The New York Times, Board explained: “A smattering of egocentricity,
a soupçon of grandiosity, a smidgen of manipulativeness and lack of empathy,
and you have someone who can climb the corporate ladder and stay on the right
side of the law, but still be a horror to work with. Add a bit more of those
characteristics, plus lack of remorse and physical aggression, and you have
someone who ends up behind bars.
“What’s important is the degree to which a person has each ingredient or
characteristic, and in what configuration.”
Since many people may belong to more than one category of personality disorder,
DSM-IV divides the categories into three clusters. NPD belongs to Cluster B
– dramatic, emotional or erratic types, embracing histrionic, narcissistic,
antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
“The characteristics and categories provide clues, but not a definitive diagnosis,”
says Professor Eddie Kane, the director of the Personality Disorder Institute
at Nottingham University. “While it’s clear when a person is psychotic or schizophrenic,
we have to be wary in diagnosing personality disorder. Putting a label on someone’s
behaviour that may have an enormous impact on their lives has to be very carefully
considered.”
In a paper published this May in The British Journal of Psychiatry, Professor
Peter Tyrer and colleagues from the department of psychological medicine at
Imperial College London wrote unequivocally: “The
assessment of personality disorder is currently inaccurate, largely unreliable,
frequently wrong and in need of improvement.”
And the psychiatrist Dr Paul Moran of the Institute of Psychiatry in London,
the author of several papers on personality disorders, says: “A number of biases
can distort the assessment of personality. For instance, there is evidence to
suggest that the term “personality disorder” may itself be a label applied to
unlikable patients who are regarded as difficult. A person can be supremely
confident, superficially charming, and only choosing to treat people as stepping
stones in his life. But does that mean he’s displaying signs of NPD? At present
in the UK, our understanding of the characteristics, causes and treatment of
NPD are very rudimentary. It’s still only a theory about how some people might
behave. However, I have no doubt that individuals can and do manifest these
traits.”
In 2006, a team that included Professor Jeremy Coid of the forensic-psychiatry
unit at St Bartholomew’s Hospital, London, published an assessment of the prevalence
of personality disorders in Great Britain in the British Journal of Psychiatry.
The study concluded that they are “common”, affecting nearly 1 in 20 people
(4.4%) – previous estimates have given a higher figure of 10-13%. What the study
failed to find, however, was a single case of NPD. (DSM-IV estimates that about
1% of the US population has NPD.)
“That does not mean it doesn’t exist in the UK,” Professor Coid says. “The
questionnaires used to pick it up do not work very well because not many people
admit to these criteria. People don’t like to admit they are arrogant and envious.”
One reason why people with NPD appear few in number is that they are treatment
resistant. Put plainly, they don’t believe they have a problem, so they rarely
present themselves for help.
Shmuel “Sam” Vaknin, 46, has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality
disorder twice. He is unusual in that he accepts the diagnosis, uniquely turning
it into a way to provide an international source of narcissistic supply. Born
in Israel, since the mid-1990s he has written extensively about himself and
NPD, both on the internet and in books, including his magnus opus, Malignant
Self Love – Narcissism Revisited. Hundreds interact daily on his websites. He
insists that he offers help and advice only to ensure a narcissistic supply
of attention that confirms his superiority, intelligence and specialness – not
because he cares.
Vaknin is an unsettling combination of the chilling and the charming. In
conversation, it’s hard to disentangle truth from
the narcissist’s tools of the trade – exaggeration, flattery, grandiosity and
the display of fake vulnerability and self-pity to elicit sympathy.
He is a verified economist, award-winning writer, poet, philosopher,
journalist and financial consultant. He is also, he says, a failure. On one
of his websites, he writes: “I have lived in 12 countries, worked in 50, and
I don’t think there is one that will take me back. I consider the businesses
I drove to bankruptcy with my narcissistic temper tantrums and superiority contests…
The fortunes I squandered… I cherished and revelled in my self-annihilation.”
Vaknin lives in Skopje, Macedonia. He is one of five siblings, but he hasn’t
seen his family for over a decade. His father was a construction worker from
Morocco, who suffered from clinical depression. “Violence was the main channel
of communication,” Vaknin says. His mother was from Turkey. She believed she
was a prodigy, but had to leave school and sell shoes to rich people at the
age of 14. “I have an IQ of 180 and it was her enormous misfortune to have me
as her first-born,” Vaknin says. “My parents were ill-equipped to deal with
normal children, let alone the gifted. I was her ambassador to the world, but
I also constituted a threat.” Vaknin says his mother is a narcissist. In a short
story – Nothing’s Happening at Home – fiction based on his own childhood, he
describes the life of a six-year-old with a violent, resentful and unpredictable
mother. “ …mother takes a broom to me and beats me forcefully on the back and
all the neighbors [sic] watch… on the floor is this large yellow puddle in which
I stand. Mummy’s broom gets all wet and the neighbors [sic] laugh… She takes
down my trousers and I am exposed to the jeering crowd, drenched and naked.
It isn’t a good day, this one”.
“Children with narcissistic parents are objectified. They are like circus
animals, performing on order, to extract a little love,” Vaknin says. “I don’t
hate my mother. I hate what her illness did to her. I began to live as if life
is a film and I’m playing out a script, totally detached to fend off hurt and
injury. Now, I am a monster. Underneath the skin, I am a hideously deformed
individual. When you look at the quadriplegic, you can understand if he can
only wink – the quadriplegic is a marathon runner compared to me and my emotional
disability.”
At 17, Vaknin left home to join the army and never returned. He was first
diagnosed with NPD at 26. He was living in opulence in London with his then
wife, Nomi. On her insistence, he visited a psychiatrist. “When I first received
the diagnosis, I was mortified and very frightened. Then, as a typical narcissist,
I thought, ‘Can I use the diagnosis as leverage to become famous? Make money?’
The answer was yes.”
In 1995, Vaknin was diagnosed for a second time by a psychiatrist in an Israeli
jail. He was serving 11 months for fraud, trying to manipulate the price of
stock. In jail he began to write Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited.
“I am no healthier today than I was when I wrote that book. My disorder is
here to stay, the prognosis is poor and alarming. The vast majority of narcissists
end up at the very top or the very bottom – derelict, desolate, schizoid, bitter,
decaying and decrepit. You won’t find any in the middle. My narcissism is much
worse than it used to be. As my capacities dwindle, minute by minute, the gap
between reality and grandiosity becomes bigger and bigger. The larger the gulf,
the more narcissistic defences are needed.
“I am an abject failure in comparison to my potential. I should have been
a public intellectual. But people don’t like looking in the mirror, and I like
forcing them to look.”
Vaknin has been married to his second wife, Lidija, 37, for five years, and
they have been together for 10. She is Macedonian. Lidija would like a child.
In response, Vaknin says he is a cerebral narcissist, relying on his intellect
to attract a narcissistic supply. He is not much interested in sex. “For Lidija,
our relationship is a constant war of attrition,” Vaknin says. “I think she
is very tired. She says sometimes she is being erased. But she stays, so I must
respond to some of her emotional needs. A narcissist infiltrates his partners
like acid,” he explains. “If she fails to erect strong defences, the narcissist
takes over, forcing the eviction of the person’s original self.”
Vaknin says narcissism recruits as it infects.
“Narcissism creates a bubble universe similar to a cult. In
the bubble, special rules apply that do not always correspond to an outer reality.
The narcissist conditions people, so the victims come to assimilate the narcissist’s
way of thinking. You can abandon the narcissist but the narcissist never abandons
you. We are like body snatchers.”
Lidija Vaknin appears undaunted. “Some people think I’m crazy to stay with
him, but I’ve discovered I am strong. At the beginning, several times a day,
I wanted to leave. Now, it’s easier. My father was a narcissist and very physically
abusive. My previous partner was violent. I learnt to read the eyes, the mouth,
the body language. I don’t feed Sam’s need for admiration. We talk and tackle
the issue. Sometimes I have to repeat what I say many times, and sometimes I
give up trying.
“On occasions, he is untouchable. If he’s in that state, I don’t even try
to communicate. He has his own world, and if I try to enter it, he explodes
into many pieces. We are a good match. Sam is clever and funny. He makes jokes
about himself, which is rare for a narcissist.”
Lidija’s sister, Meri Petrov, says of Vaknin: “I’ve never met a man like
him. He knows how to be a good friend, but one minute everything is going well,
then suddenly he says horrible things and has a terrible anger. One minute he’s
kind, the next I can’t define him. My sister has found a way to live with him,
I don’t know how.”
Vaknin believes his NPD was triggered by childhood trauma and abuse. “Every
human being develops healthy narcissism. That is rendered pathological by abuse.
By ‘abuse’ I mean refusal to acknowledge the emerging boundaries of the individual.
Smothering, doting and excessive expectations are as abusive as beating and
incest.”
Dr Bob Johnson, consultant psychiatrist and co-founder of the James Nayler
Foundation to further research into personality disorders, agrees. “Personality
disorders are all to do with software. The trauma a person has experienced in
childhood. They have nothing to do with predispositions or genetics or the type
of society in which a person lives. Address the trauma and the personality disorder
evaporates. But the individual first has to want to change.”
Professor Eddie Kane disagrees. He says the causes of personality disorders,
including NPD, may turn out to be “multi-factorial”. Biological, psychological
and social-risk factors may have differing impacts on different individuals.
Dr Joel Paris, professor of psychiatry at McGill University, Montreal, suggested
10 years ago that: “Personality disorders are pathological
amplifications of normal personality traits… different social
structures tend to reinforce some traits and discourage others.” The DSM-IV
definition of personality disorder refers to behaviour “that deviates markedly
from the expectations of the individual’s culture” – but could a narcissistic
culture act as a hothouse for NPD?
The American Dr Theodore Millon is an internationally renowned psychologist
and psychiatrist. In Personality Disorders in Modern Life (2000), written with
Roger Davis, he argued that pathological narcissism gained prominence only in
the late 20th century. “Individuals in less advantaged
nations… are too busy trying (to survive) to be arrogant and grandiose.”
Millon and Davis attribute pathological narcissism to “a society
that stresses individualism and self-gratification at the expense of the community,
namely the United States”. Others see western culture devaluing and undermining
the very elements, home and family life, work, self-reliance and healthy personal
relationships that act as protective factors against narcissism.
An extensive study showing the significant growth of narcissism in the US
was published earlier this year. Headed by Jean Twenge, professor of psychology
at San Diego State University, it assessed the responses of 15,234 college students,
between 1987 and 2006, to a test called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.
It attempts to rate changes in areas such as self- esteem, assertiveness and
whether individuals see themselves as leaders. As part of the inventory, students
are asked to agree or disagree with statements such as, “I think I am a special
person.” The study found, “an alarming rise in narcissism and self-centredness”.
It discovered that the average college student scored higher in narcissism than
65% of students 19 years earlier. “We’ve seen a distinct increase in narcissism,”
Twenge says. “Is some of it healthy narcissism? I’m not sure there is such a
thing.”
Twenge is also the author of Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are
More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable than Ever Before, published
last year. “The rise in narcissism has very deep roots,” Twenge says. “We fixate
on self-esteem and unthinkingly build narcissism because we believe the needs
of the individual are paramount.”
Yet, in highly narcissistic societies, millions do not develop NPD – why
not? The psychologist Dr Jeffrey Young suggests
an antidote might be: “Unconditional parental love that includes fair and firm
boundaries, consistent discipline and a resistance to the inclination to spoil.”
... ... ...
I spoke to several psychiatrists about what a person should do if he or she
believes a partner has NPD. The response was unanimous: “Leave.” “The children
of narcissists may find themselves attracted to narcissists, because they have
had an early training,” says Dr Michael Isaac, consultant psychiatrist and senior
lecturer in psychological medicine at Guy’s, King’s and St Thomas’s medical
schools in London. “But for other women, what often happens is a dovetailing
of needs. A woman may feel a sense of service and self-abnegation. Or she may
entertain the notion that she is his chosen one. It’s only later the pleasure
becomes pain.”
Claire has no regrets about making her break. Her ex-husband, Dan, rejects
the suggestion that he has NPD. “If you have a lot invested in your choice of
man, denial about his behaviour is easy. I thought it was my fault I couldn’t
reach him. Learning about NPD put together a lot of the pieces in our marriage
that had refused to fit before. I now know, if you’re living with someone who
has the disorder, whatever you do will never be enough. Be warned.”
... ... ...
How narcissistic are you?
If a person displays five or more of the following traits, they are likely
to have narcissistic tendencies
- A grandiose sense of self-importance (eg, exaggerates achievements and
talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance,
beauty or ideal love
- Believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique, and can only be understood
by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement, ie, unreasonable expectations of especially
favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- Is interpersonally exploitative, ie, takes advantage of others to achieve
his or her own ends
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings
and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
or her
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been recognized as a seperate
mental health disorder in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual
(DSM) in 1980. Its diagnostic criteria and their interpretation have undergone a
major revision in the DSM III-R (1987) and were substantially revamped in the DSM
IV in 1994. The European ICD-10 basically contains identical language.
An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for
admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood
and present in various contexts.
Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:
- Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements
and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without
commensurate achievements)
- Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome
power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily
beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting,
all-conquering love or passion
- Firmaly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special,
can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other
special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation
-or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply).
- Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable
priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations
- Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve
his or her own ends
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or
acknowledge the feelings and needs of others
- Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the
same about him or her
- Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage
when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
There are different types of narcissistic disorder according to,
Alexander Lowen, M.D., in his book, Narcissism – Denial of True
Self, “Narcissism covers a broad spectrum of behavior “
Lowen lists five types of what he terms, “narcissistic character”
in order of increasing narcissism as:
- “Phallic-Narcissistic Character
- Narcissistic Character – which he applies not to all types of
narcissists but this type only
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Psychopathic Personality
- Paranoid Personality “
Lowen explains, “… the more narcissistic one is, the less one is
identified with his or her feelings is inversely proportional to the
degree of narcissism … there is a correlation between the denial of
or lack of feeling and the lack of a sense of self.” (Pg 14)
“People who are overly narcissistic
commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised.
To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react
with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight, real or imagined.
To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw socially
and may feign modesty or humility.” (Wikipedia)
The picture of narcissism is a confusing one, however, because not
all professionals or theorists agree on everything about it. Some tend
to describe narcissism in ways that would suggest that it is the same
or manifests very similarly regardless of its originating sources, others
totally disagree with that and posit that the narcissism seen, to one
degree or another, in all personality disorders has its origin specific
to the arrested emotional developmental stage that largely causes any
given personality disorder.
“There is a broad spectrum of pathologically narcissistic personalities,
styles, and reactions -- from the very mild, reactive and transient,
to the severe and inflexible narcissistic personality disorder.”
(Wikipedia)
There are vastly different reasons and manifestations in those with
NPD and those with BPD that are different in causation or origin and
that are also different in the roles that they play in the pathological
dysfunctional structures of each personality disorder. (Masterson)
To gain a clearer perspective of narcissism it is important to be
aware of its source. The source of what causes narcissism in people
is not the same for all people who are narcissistic. The same is true
of the ways in which narcissism is manifested within the various syndromes
or disorders on the spectrum of narcissism. Depending upon the source
the disorder in personality may manifest as NPD, or BPD, and/or other
personality disorders.
“The common use of the term narcissism refers to some of the
ways people defend themselves against this narcissistic dynamic: a concern
with one’s own physical and social image, a preoccupation with one’s
own thoughts and feelings, and a sense of grandiosity. There are, however,
many other behaviors that can stem from narcissistic concerns, such
as immersion in one’s own affairs to the exclusion of others, an inability
to empathize with others’ experience, interpersonal rigidity, an insistence
that one’s opinions and values are “right,” and a tendency to be easily
offended and take things personally.” (Wikipedia)
Aside from being varying degrees of experienced and manifested narcissism
the points at which early childhood psychological and developmental
arrests occur and the reasons for these narcissistic injuries are not
all the same. They do not take place at the same age or for, necessarily
the same reasons. Added to this is the reality that not all with any
form of narcissism will necessarily display or manifest that narcissism
exactly the same as others. Even those who have varying degrees of narcissism
are individuals.
It is also important to note that while narcissism is a common thread,
to one degree or another, in all personality disorders. (MSN Encarta
Encyclopedia) This should not see everyone with narcissism lumped into
the definition of NPD. Those with NPD and BPD, while they may share
some similarities are not one in the same either. (Masterson) (Lachkar)
There is also such a thing as healthy narcissism that also needs
to not be confused with pathological or unhealthy narcissism. We must
also take into consideration when dealing with anyone with narcissistic
traits, that we also live in highly narcissistic cultures.
This also has an effect on our over-all perception of and experience
with all that narcissism, across its continuum, in our daily lives.
Not everything from everyone that has some narcissistic features
to it means that someone has NPD or even BPD. Those who have personality
disorders can benefit from professional diagnosis and treatment. However,
it is important not to assign pathology to someone, without them being
assessed by a professional.
In order to put NPD into perspective it is important to be aware
that narcissism is, to one degree or another, a feature of all personality
disorders. Narcissism, like the traits that define BPD are found in
the general population and are human traits, is found in everyone as
well (healthy narcissism).
Narcissism, no matter from where on the spectrum, aside from being
in the healthy realm, it originates is a major contributing factor to
those who have these features, to one degree or another, having considerable
and substantial difficulty building and maintaining healthy adult age-appropriate
relationships. For those who are in or have ended relationships with
people who fall somewhere on this continuum of narcissism the reality
of the pain and damage experienced is significant and traumatic.
With a back-drop of an ever-proliferating culture of narcissism in
many societies and cultures it may be too easy, equally erroneous, and
not helpful to anyone if we lump everything together in attempts to
find reasons for our negative and painful experiences and/or for all
that goes wrong in very human attempts to relate, to understand each
other, and to find our way in life.
10. Narcissists and Manipulation
Narcissists are adept at manipulating what I call their Narcissistic Pathological
Space (country, family, friends, colleagues, workplace). They are excellent
imitators (Zelig-like types, chameleons). In the workplace they will project
work ethic and the sharing of basic goals in a team work. To their spouse they
will reflect "love", to their colleagues - collaboration and mutual respect.
Scratch the surface though and out springs the ever-youthful narcissist: indignant,
rageful, vengeful, dangerous, painful.
11. Narcissist Employer
To a narcissist-employer, his "staff" are secondary sources of narcissistic
supply.
- Their role is to accumulate the supply (in humanspeak, remember events
that support the grandiose self-image of the narcissist) and to regulate
the narcissistic supply of the narcissist during dry spells (simply put,
to adulate, adore, admire, agree, provide attention and approval, and so
on, in other words, serve as an audience).
- The staff (or should I say "stuff"?) is supposed to remain passive.
- The narcissist is not interested in anything but the simplest function
of mirroring. When the mirror acquires a personality and a life of its own,
the narcissist is incensed. He may even fire the employee (an act which
will help the narcissist recover his sense of omnipotence).
An employee's presumption to be his employer's equal (friendship is possible
only among equals) injures the narcissist. The narcissist is willing to accept
the employee as an underling, whose very position as such serves to support
his grandiose fantasies. But the grandiosity rests on such fragile foundations,
that any hint of equality, disagreement, or of his needs (for a friend, for
instance) threatens the narcissist profoundly. The narcissist is exceedingly
insecure. It is easy to destabilize his impromptu "personality". His reactions
are merely in self-defense.
Classic narcissistic behavior is when idealization followed by devaluation.
The devaluating attitude develops as a result of disagreements OR simply because
time has eroded the employee's capacity to serve as a FRESH source of supply.
In time, the employee is taken for granted by the narcissistic employer,
and becomes uninspiring as a source of adulation, admiration and attention.
The narcissist needs new thrills and stimuli.
[Not true] The narcissist is notorious for his low
threshold of resistance to boredom. He exhibits impulsive behaviors and has
a chaotic biography precisely because of his need to introduce uncertainty and
risk to what he regards as "stagnation" or "slow death" (=routine). Even something
as innocuous as asking for office supplies constitutes a reminder of this deflating,
hated, routine.
Narcissists do many unnecessary, wrong and even dangerous things in pursuit
of the stabilization of their inflated self-image.
Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy, or by the constant reminders of
the REAL, nitty-gritty, world. It reduces them, makes them realize the "grandiosity
gap" (between their self image and reality). It is treated as a threat to the
precarious balance of their personality structures (mostly "false" and invented).
Narcissists will forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage
in cognitive dissonance. They "pathologize" the other, foster feelings of guilt
and shame in the other, demean, debase and humiliate the other, in order to
preserve their sense of grandiosity.
Narcissists are pathological liars. They think nothing of it because
their very self is FALSE, an invention.
Here are a few useful guidelines:
- Never disagree with your narcissist-employer or contradict him.
- Never offer him any intimacy.
- Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance:
by his professional achievements, or by his good looks, or by his success
with women and so on).
- Never remind him of real life out there and if you do, connect
it somehow to his sense of grandiosity (these are the BEST art materials
ANY workplace is going to have, we get them EXCLUSIVELY, etc., etc.).
- Do not make any comment which might directly or indirectly impinge
on his self image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, diagnostic capabilities,
professional record, or even omnipresence.
Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake
here ... you don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday
so ... you cannot ... you should ...(perceived as rude imposition, narcissists
react very badly to restrictions placed on their omnipotent freedom) ...
I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity.
Narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization
processes were screwed up in their formative years and they did not differentiate
objects properly)...".
My list of Narcissistic personality characteristicsWhen I see
anyone with low self-esteem covered-up by a grandiose presentation, I always
suspect a narcissistic personality. These are the characteristics that
I look out for:
- Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach
is seen as personally attacking the narcissist. Rules rule, and some
narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little things, like
grammar errors. I knew a narcissistic computer programmer who would
refuse to answer any e-mail that used non-accepted word abbreviations! -
("My way is the ONLY RIGHT way and any other way is WRONG, WRONG,
WRONG").
- Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and they
like to present "proofs" that they are correct. The narcissist cannot
accept responsibility for making a mistake and they are expert at diverting
the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion
because my team let me down").
- Arrogant, boastful and pretentious - These are people with stupid/fake
certificates and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate
their accomplishments or use inflated job titles like "Engineer, Physicist"
in their resume job histories. - (i.e. "I'm a Sanitation Engineer").
This narcissistic trait is especially prevalent in computer work where people
elevate themselves to "expert" status, and then treat people in a demeaning
way when they get questions ("Boy, now that's a really stupid question.
Where did you go to college?)".
- Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize
me? That lying bastard, I swear I'll get even, if it takes years").
This essay
notes that it especially difficult to do anything critical with the narcissist
because they see the criticism as a threat to their self, making them great
fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own
sense of adequacy, the narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However,
the narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth does not allow
him or her to risk any criticism."
... ... ...
A clinical list of Narcissistic personality characteristics
This article on
dealing with narcissistic children has a good list, and has some of the items
that I noted.
Reality distortion and Inability to See and Hear -- The child
sees situations through his own sense of woundedness and neediness. .
.
Mood Switching --The child's fractured self is caught in mood
swings. She may go back and forth between "I'll be good" and pouting or
outrage because she isn't getting what she wants. . .
Poor Impulse Control and Frustration Tolerance -- The child
is highly reactive to outside stimuli that seem to threaten his sense of
self and cannot delay gratification. He wants things NOW! . . .
Poor Ego Boundaries and Need for Control -- The child cannot
view things from any other perspective other than his own. He is so caught
in his own neediness that he cannot feel empathy for others.
Denial of Uncomfortable Feelings --The child keeps the focus
on what he wants not how he feels. His constant demanding keeps him from
feeling the pain inside.
Frequent Anger and Rage --The child substitutes anger and tantrums
as a way of keeping her uncomfortable feelings from being experienced. She
becomes a master of rationalization and justification of her explosive actions
. . .
Need for Admiration --The child erroneously believes that he
is special and should be given special privileges. . .
Grandiosity and Fantasy --The child spins grandiose fantasies
to cover up the internal wounds of his fractured self. He sets up elaborate
fantasy schemes of winning, becoming powerful or gaining revenge for injustice.
Daydreams of becoming rich and famous without talent or hard work are common.
Idealization and Devaluation of Teachers or Therapists --The
child will make you feel that you are wonderful and special as long as you
humor her. "As long as you give me what I want, you are the ideal person
for me" . . .
Externalization of Blame --The child cannot allow the bad feelings
of being at fault for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids
feeling vulnerable by blaming others.
David: Good Evening. I hope your day
went well. Welcome to HealthyPlace.com and our chat conference on "Narcissism
in the Workplace." I'm David Roberts, the moderator of tonight's chat. Some
of the topics we'll be discussing include: How to cope with a narcissistic boss.
And when is it time to toss in the towel and leave that troublesome job?
Our guest is Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of
Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited and an authority on the subject
of narcissism. You can
read more about Dr. Vaknin by clicking on the link.
Just to clarify, Dr. Vaknin is not a therapist
or medical doctor of any sort. However, he is an expert on the subject of narcissism
and a self-proclaimed narcissist. Good Evening Dr. Vaknin and welcome to HealthyPlace.com.
Just so we are all clear on the subject, can you give us a brief overview of
what narcissism is?
Dr. Vaknin:
Great to be here again. Thank you for having me and for the kind words. Hello,
everyone.
Narcissists are driven by the need to uphold
and maintain a false self. They use the False Self to garner narcissistic supply
which is any kind of attention adulation, admiration, or even notoriety and
infamy.
David: How
does one recognize a narcissist?
Dr. Vaknin:
It is close to impossible and that is the secret of their astounding success.
Narcissists are good actors. They are adept
at charming others, persuading them, manipulating them, or otherwise influencing
them to do their bidding. The narcissist's sense of self-worth is unstable (labile)
so, the narcissist relies on input from other people to regulate his self-esteem
and self-confidence. He focuses on potential sources of supply and engulfs them
with focused attention and simulated deep emotions. Only in later encounter,
as time passes and the number of interactions grows, is it possible to tell
that someone is a narcissist.
Narcissists are preoccuopied
with grandiose fantasies unrealistic plans.
- They are poor judges
of reality.
- They are bullies and
often resort to verbal and emotional abuse.
- They exploit people
and then discard them.
- They have no empathy
and regard their co-workers as mere instruments objects, tools, and sources
of adulation, affirmation, or potential benefits.
David: So,
in the beginning, you are saying they will get on your good side by charming
you and pretending to be interested in you and what you're doing. Later, what
kind of behaviors should a person expect from the: (1) narcissistic boss and
(2) colleague? And I'm assuming here that the behaviors for the two might be
different.
Dr. Vaknin:
Workplace narcissists seethe with anger and resentment.
- The
gap between reality and their grandiose flights of fancy (the "grandiosity
gap") is so great that they develop persecutory delusions, resentment and
rage.
- They are also extremely and pathologically
envious, seeking to destroy what they perceive to be the sources of their
constant frustration: a popular co-worker,
a successful boss, a qualified or skilled employee.
- Narcissists at work crave constant attention
and will go to great lengths to secure it - including by "engineering" situations
that place them at the center.
- They are immature, constantly nagging and
complaining, finding fault with everyone and everything.
- They are very disruptive, poor team members,
can rarely collaborate with others without being cantankerous and quarrelsome.
- They are control freaks and feel
the compulsive and irresistible urge to interfere in everyting to micromanage
and overrule others. All in all, a highly unpleasant experience.
This sounds like myself ;-)
[Not true] Cassandras who constantly
predict impending doom.
[Not true] They are intrusive and invasive.
They firmly believe in their own omnipotence and omniscience. They feel
entitled to special treatment and are convinced that they are above
Man-made laws, including the rules of their place of employment.
David: If
you work with or under a narcissist, it sounds like your work life might be
a living hell.
Dr. Vaknin:
You would never forget it. It is traumatic and very
likely to end in actual bullying and stalking behaviors.
- Many workers end up with PTSD - Post Traumatic
Stress Syndrome.
- Others quit, or even relocate.
David: What
kind of individual, personality-wise, is best suited to work with a narcissist
co-worker or boss?
Dr. Vaknin:
Certain pathological personalities - for instance, someone with a
Dependent Personality Disorder - or an
Inverted Narcissist may get along just fine.
A submissive person whose expectations are limited,
moods are subdued and willingness to absorb abuse is extended would survive
with a narcissist, or even thrive in such an environment.
But the vast majority of workers are likely
to suffer ill-health effects, clash with the narcissist, or end up being sacked,
reassigned, relocated, or demoted.
The narcissistic bully very often gets his way:
He gets promoted, the ideas he "adopted" become corporate policy, his misdeeds
are overlooked, his misbehavior tolerated. This is partly because, as I said
earlier, narcissists are excellent liars with considerable
thespian skills - and partly because no one wants to mess around with a thug,
even if his thuggery is limited to words and gestures.
David: We
have a lot of audience questions, Dr. Vaknin. Let's get to a few and then I
have a few more questions to ask you. Here's the first one:
AMichael:
How common is narcissism within the population?
Dr. Vaknin:
According to orthodoxy, between 0.7%-1% of the adult population suffer from
the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This figure is an underestimate.
Pathological narcissism is under-reported because,
by definition, few narcissists admit that anything is wrong with them and that
they may be the source of the constant problem in their life and the lives of
their nearest or dearest. Narcissists resort to therapy only in the wake of
a harrowing life crisis.
They have alloplastic defenses - they
tend to blame the world, their boss, society, God, their spouse for their misfortune
and failures. Last, but not least, psychotherapists regard narcissists
as "difficult" patients with a "severe" personality disorder - or, put plainly,
lots of work with little reward.
Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) At a Glance.
Doria57:
Is there any way to get along with these type of people at work?
Dr. Vaknin:
Here are a few useful guidelines:
- Never disagree with the narcissist or
contradict him.
- Never offer him any intimacy. You
are not his equal and an offer of intimacy insultingly implies that you
are.
- Look awed by whatever attribute matters
to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks,
or by his success with women and so on).
- Never remind him of life outside his
bubble and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity.Do
not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his
self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional
record, or even omnipresence.
- Bad sentences start with: "I think you
overlooked & made a mistake here & you don't know & do you know & you were
not here yesterday so & you cannot & you should, etc. These are perceived
as rude imposition. Narcissists react very badly
to restrictions placed on their freedom.
Linda3003:
My husband is employed by a very large university, inspite of "outstanding"
appraisals, many stolen ideas, marked increase in customer satisfaction and
being very professional, he was resently fired. His boss did not like the acolaides
my husband was receiving, etc. How does one combat the defamation?
Dr. Vaknin:
Depends on your resources and your ability to accept recurrent interim defeats.
Narcissistic bosses are very tenacious and resourceful. They are
pillars of the community, usually widely respected and believed. They have at
their disposal the entire wherewithal of the organization.
People say "where there's fire, there's smoke".
"If he was fired, there must have been a good reason for it", "Why couldn't
he simply get along? He must be egocentric, a bad team player." And so on. It
is un uphill battle. My advice to you is to team up with an anti-bullying
group or to have an attorney look into wrongful dismissal charges.
Here is an excellent place to start your search:
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm,
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/
freedom03:
I would like to know if the narcissist is aware of what they are doing?
Dr. Vaknin:
Aware, cunning, premeditated, and, sometimes, even enjoying every bit of it.
But it is not malice that drives them. They believe in their own destiny, superiority,
entitlement, exemption from laws promulgated by mere mortals. The narcissist
regards himself as one would an expensive present, a gift to his company, to
his family, to his neighbours, to his colleagues, to his country.
Resistance calls for strenuous measures. Disagreement
with the narcissist is bound to be the outcome of ignorance or obstructionism.
Criticism is malevolent and ill-founded. The narcissist trusts that he has the
full moral justification to battle his foes. To his mind, the world is a hostile
place, full of Lilliputians who seek to shackle his genius, foresight, and natural
advantages.
They aim to harness and castrate - and they
deserve his ire and the ensuing punishment he metes out to them in his infinite
wisdom. It is a crusade against the injustice of not recognizing the narcissist's
true place in this world - at the pinnacle.
David: Dr.
Vaknin, earlier you mention that the narcissist would act empathetic to draw
in his prey, so to speak. In light of that, here's the next question:
martha j:
Can this person genuinely develop authentic empathy skills?
Dr. Vaknin:
No, he cannot. Narcissists lack the basic machinery of putting themselves in
other people's shoes. They react with fury and denial when confronted with the
fact that persons in their environments are individual entities with their own
idiosyncratic and specific needs, preferences, choices, fears, hopes, and expectations.
This, the refusal to grant autonomy, is at the core of abuse, whether on the
domestic front or at the workplace. To the narcissist, others are mere extensions,
instruments of gratification, sources of narcissistic supply. And nothing more
than that.
delaware1974:
With so many people afflicted with this - why are we making it sound like a
death sentence? All of us still need to move on with our lives ...are we supposed
to give up and accept because it's hard? We spend alot of time talking about
the negative or "escaping" the narcissist, "surviving" the narcissist, what
about those of us that want to help them and NOT give up on them? Are there
LIVE face-to-face help groups? Hope?
Dr. Vaknin:
It is possible to live with the narcissist, as I made clear earlier. It requires
certain behavioral modifications and a willingness to accept the narcissist
largely as he is. These may be of interest:
And, yes, there are groups (though only online)
who tackle healing and co-existance - they are
listed here.
I am not aware of a live group though I heard
recently that something is being organized in New York. Bullying - and especially
workplace bullying - is tackled by many online and live groups.
This
website, managed by a former bullying victim, Tim Field, is the best I know
of. It contains links to hundreds of resources.
David: For
many people, Dr. Vaknin, if you are in a situation working with a narcissist
or under a narcissist, they can't just pick up and leave their job. What is
the best way for them to cope without "kissing" up to this person and being
always vigilant about what you say and how you say it? or is that the only way
to survive?
Dr. Vaknin:
It depends whether the narcissistic bully represents the corporate culture of
the workplace - or is an isolated case attributable to a quirky nature or a
personality disorder. Alas, very often, abusive behaviors in one's office or
shop floor are merely the epitome of all-pervasive wrongdoing which permeates
the entire hierarchy, from top management to the bottom rung of employment.
Bullies rarely dare to express their tendencies
in isolation and in defiance of the prevailing ethos. Or, if they do run against
the grain of their place of employment, they lose their jobs. Typically, narcissists
join already narcissistic firms and mesh well with a toxic workplace, a poisonous
atmosphere, and an abusive management. If one is not willing to succumb to the
mores and (lack of) ethics of the workplace, there is little one can do.
Surprisingly few countries (Sweden, the United
Kingdom, to some extent) outlaw workplace abuse specifically.
Whistleblowers and "troublemakers" are frowned
upon and are not protected by any institutions. It is a dismal landscape. The
victim would do well to simply resign and move on, sad as this may be. As awareness
of the phenomenon increases and laws take effect, hopefully this will change
and bullied and abused workers will find effective ways to cope with mistreatment.
TimeToFly:
What typically happens to a narcissist when they lose their position of authority
or their job. How do they react to that? My narcissist ex-husband recently lost
his job. He will not say what happened exactly, typical. But since then he has
been on a rampage to destroy me. It was right after the loss of his previous
job that he left me and our children 4 years ago. He had been the manager of
engineering and was first demoted, and then finally left the company. I never
did get the story. He has just remarried, but his new life somehow has not distracted
him from his obsession with destroying mine.
Dr. Vaknin:
Being demoted or losing one's job is a narcissistic injury (or wound). The entire
edifice of the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an elaborate and multi-layered reaction
to past narcissistic injuries.
A gap opens between the way the narcissistic
imagines himself to be (grandiosity) and reality (unemployed, humiliated, discarded,
unneeded). The narcissist strives to bridge the grandiosity gap but sometimes
it is simply to abysmal to deny or ignore. So, some narcissists go through decompensation
- their defense mechanisms crumble. They may even experience brief psychotic
episodes. They become dysfunctional. The narcissists redouble their efforts
to obtain narcissistic supply by any means - sex, exercise, attention-seeking
behaviors. Yet others withdraw altogether to "lick their wounds" (schizoid posture).
What is common to all these narcissists is the ominous feeling that they are
losing control (and maybe even losing it).
In a desparate effort to re-exert control, the
narcissist becomes abusive. Sometimes abuse is about controlling the victim.
Others seek "easy targets" - lonely women to "conquer" or simple tasks to accomplish,
or no-brainers, or to compete against weak opponents with a guaranteed result.
For more on these behaviors:
David: If
you are interested in purchasing Dr. Vaknin's excellent and very thorough
book on narcissism, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, click on
the link.
jenmosaic:
What causes NPD?
Dr. Vaknin:
No one knows. The accepted wisdom is that NPD is tan adaptative reaction to
early childhood or early adolescence trauma and abuse. There are many forms
of abuse. The more familiar ones - verbal, emotional, psychological, physical,
sexual - of course yield psychopathologies. But are far more subtle and more
insidious forms of mistreatment. Doting, smothering, ignoring personal boundaries,
treating someone as an extension or a wish-fulfillment machine, spoiling, emotional
blackmail, an ambience of paranoia or intimidation ("gaslighting") - have as
long lasting effects as the "classic" varieties of abuse. Still, there is always
the possibility of a
hereditary
component More about the
roots of narcissism here
David: Here
are a couple of audience comments about what's been said tonight:
Doria57:
No one ever wants to form an anti-bullying group, they are afraid.
martha j:
The descriptions of the narcissistic boss --Isn't this the unfortunate all American
definition of the "successful boss?
Dr. Vaknin:
I'd like to respond to that last comment. Mental health disorders - and especially
personality disorders - are not divorced from the twin contexts of culture and
society. Western society and culture are narcissistic. Disparate scholars and
thinkers - Christopher Lasch on the one hand and Theodore Millon on the other
hand - have concluded as much. Narcissistic behaviors - now labeled "misconduct"
- have long been nornmative. The basically narcissistic traits of individualism
competitiveness, unbridled ambition - are the founding stones of certain versions
of capitalism. Thus, certain forms of abuse and bullying actually constitute
an integral part of the folklore of corporate America. Narcissistic bosses were
idolized. As long as this is the case, workplace abuse would be hard to overcome.
More here:
David: Thank
you, Dr. Vaknin, for being our guest this evening and for sharing this information
with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating.
I hope you found it helpful. We have a very large and active community here
at HealthyPlace.com.
You will always find people in the chatrooms and interacting with various sites.
Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to
your friends, mail list buddies, and others.
http://www.healthyplace.com
Disclaimer: We are not recommending or
endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage
you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE
you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.
We hold topical mental health chat conferences
on on our site. The conference schedule and transcripts from previous chats
are
here.
Narcissists can be arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and manipulative. But what's
it like to have narcissistic personality disorder? And how can it be treated?
Guests include Dr. Jeffrey Young, the founder and director of the Schema
Therapy Institute of New York and the Cognitive Therapy Centers of New York
and Connecticut and co-author of "Reinventing Your Life"; Sandy Hotchkiss,
a licensed clinical social worker and the author of "Why is it Always About
You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism"; Dr. Corinne Pache, an assistant
professor of classics at Yale University and a fellow at Harvard University's
Center for Hellenic Studies in Washington D.C., who talks about the myth of
Narcissus and Echo; poet Tony Hoagland, whose latest collection is called
"What Narcissism Means to Me"; and Samuel Vaknin, who has been diagnosed with
narcissistic personality disorder and has written extensively about the topic.
Host Dr. Fred Goodwin begins with an essay in which he says he has always
been fascinated by the boundary between healthy narcissism and narcissism as
a disorder. In his world of medical research, it's not uncommon to hear some
colleagues at the top of their game described by other colleagues as narcissistic.
The label is generally meant to be pejorative (and might also reflect some envy),
but he doubts that it always actually translates into narcissistic personality
disorder. From time to time, he says, a colleague that he knows quite well is
described as narcissistic. And yet those who work closely with him will often
describe him as generous and supportive, in other words capable of empathy -
which is lacking in the true narcissist. Dr. Goodwin believes the ability to
empathize is what really distinguishes healthy narcissism from a personality
disorder, and it's important to remember empathy is not always visible from
a distance.
Then Dr. Goodwin interviews Samuel Vaknin.
After receiving a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, Vaknin devote
