Algorithms-Related Humor

algorithm n. [Origin: ALGORISM with a pronounced LISP] A rare species endangered by the industry's cavalier pursuit and gauche attempts at domestication.

==> The current plight of the unspotted algorithm, Algorithmus accuratus, can be traced back to overculling in the 1960s. It will be recalled that the previous decade had witnessed an uncontrolled population growth, indeed a plague of the creatures in diverse academic terrains. Their pernicious invasion of the commercial environment in the late 1950s prompted IBM to offer the controversial $4.98 bounty per pelt. Hordes of greedy and unskilled people from all walks of life deserted their jobs and families, sold their possessions, and flocked to dubious, fly-by-night programming schools. Overarmed with high-level weapons, these roaming bands of bounty seekers hunted down and massacred the poor algorithm around the clock. The inevitable reaction occurred, but almost too late, in the form of an ecological "Save the Algorithm" lobby, replete with badges, bumper stickers, and fund-raising algorithms. Public opinion was aroused, in particular, by the future vice-president's catchy campaign song:

Al Gore-ithm, Al Gore-ithm, Al Gore-ithm,
Who could ask for anything more?

The 1970s have brought some hope to the preservationists. Two reasonably hardy variants appear to have evolved, the Algorithmus pascalia and the Algorithmus heuristicus, which in their different ways are proving more resistant to the grosser exploitations of the unstructured. The new strains are partly the result of neo-Darwinian survival (the filter code overcomes an antagonistic environment) and partly the outgrowth of patient, prolonged interbreeding in areas protected by bagbiters, chompers, diddlers, users, and other anathematic influences. Wirth and Knuth deserve praise in this context. The hybrid A. seminumericalis, for example, gently nurtured by Prof. Donald Knuth, can be spotted regularly cavorting on the sylvan campi of Stanford University, California. Its sweet, anthropomorphically cuddlesome disposition attracts weekend crowds of panda proportions. The feeding signs state quite clearly that the hybrid will not perform for peanuts; indeed, the A. seminumericalis needs a substantial bunch of greenery before it will embark on its dazzling repertoire of parlor tricks, delighting all age groups and both cultures. Perhaps not all, for some killjoys liken these displays of mock intelligence to the exploitation of circus animals or the chimpanzee tea party. Also, there remains the fear that, however amusing and superficially sycophantic we breed our algorithmic pets, they will prove to be feline, superior, inscrutable, and the ultimate victor.