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# Open Source Humor

 News IT Slacker society manifest Recommended Books Recommended Links Slackerism Russian computer humor Classic Computer Humor Linux sucks RMS Linus Torvalds Larry Wall & Perl Eric Raymond GPL Softpanorama Humor Archive Admin Algorithms Assembler C Debugging Java Shell Perl SE vi Viruses NSA Music humor Financial Humor IBM Humor Sun Microsoft Oracle Vol 12(2000) Vol 13(2001) Vol 14(2002) Vol 15(2003) Vol 16(2004) Vol 17(2005) Softpanorama Bulletin Random IT-related quotes Etc

The mission of this site is to promote a "slightly skeptical" approach to the computer science and programming, as well as serve as a refuge to people who were hurt by absurdness of the current IT environment in general and software development (including its open source variety) in particular...

In order to do this we decided to organize a new society, called Softpanorama IT Slackers Society (SITSS). Like open source development this is a semi-religious movement (cult) and we strive to enroll into it as many University students as possible.

Enrolling is easy and unlike some other cults we do not charge members for reading our secret scriptures. Also unlike obscure cults like OOP, where even preachers often do not understand what they are talking about our cult is very simple and transparent.  There are actually just two of them:

Unlike most societies we do not even insist that you read and agree with them. On a slightly more serious note the main goal of this page is to fight fundamentalist thinking and fashion in programming with humor. That's why it makes fun of open source fundamentalists and hypocritical /. (slashheads), often naive and clueless to the extent that they send their pro-Linux mails from Windows (it would be really funny if Slashdot revealed their browser statistics :-).

The most sarcastic pieces are devoted to recent Open Source/Free Software excesses when this software cult is driving many talented young people into slaving day and night for the benefits of large multinationals.  Open source is a very good thing but is should be simple (complex open source is actually asymptotically approach closed source as exemplified by Microsoft products). Also fixation on "us vs. Microsoft" is a very questionable approach: IMHO this should be a battle for better ideas and lean implementation,  not a death march for creating yet another software Christmas tree (is we use a New Year analogy) with multimillion line codebase supposedly maintained by volunteers although key decisions are made is nice corner offices.

Along with collecting IT and open source related humor I wrote dozen of things. Sorry only few of them are in English. You can check The Cuckoo's Egg Review Hoax QuizTen Commandments of Software Slackerism IT Slacker Manifest (all of them, in best slacker tradition,  are actually my own reinterpretations by somebody else stories :-).

Archives of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society Bulletin are also available:

 2007 2006 2005 2004 Vol 15(2003) Vol 14 (2002) Vol 13 (2001) Vol 12 (2000) Vol 11(1999) Vol 10(1998) Vol 9(1997) Vol 8(1996) Vol 7(1995) Vol 6 (1994) Vol 5 (1993) Vol 4 (1992) Vol 3(1991) Vol 2(1990)

The general mood probably can be characterized by the following samples from my collection:

Quotes:

• The difference between BSD and GPL is similar to the difference between sex and rape. -- Usenet SIG
• "Sysadmins are the janitors of Information Technology, no matter how much the current crop of adolescents looks up to them like boys in the past admired riverboat pilots and railroad engineers."
• "A programmer is a device for turning coffee into the source code."
• "Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!"    -- from a Slashdot post
• Richard Stallman's GPL is free like in Henry Ford's quote: "You can have any color as long as it's black."
• I always thought that extreme programming was something like jumping out of an airplane with a laptop.
• "There are two major products that come from Berkeley : LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." -- Jeremy S. Anderson
• An "open sauce company" is news to me
• Don't let a few insignificant facts distract you from waging a holy war A Slashdot post

• It's spelled Linux, but it's pronounced "Not Windows" - Usenet sig

• It is time to unmask the programming community as a Secret Society for the Creation and Preservation of Artificial Complexity. Edsger W. Dijkstra: The next forty years (EWD 1051)

Stories:

bsd_logo_story (this is from Top 10 Classic Unix Humor Stories )

Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes.

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um... well, let's call them "natives".

These guys might just be the original Texas rednecks -- complete with ten-gallon hats, snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?" ...

... ... ...

Todd's Humor Archive Computer Center Humor (reproduced with minor variations):

Computing Center [n], is an organization whose functions are

1. To impede wherever possible the development and usefulness of computing in the company or University.
2. To gain the lion's share of funding, spend it largely on obsolete, bloated and otherwise inappropriate IT Solutions, and convince the businesses/campuses wherever possible to spend funds on the same.
3. To oppose vigorously any new, useful and popular technology for three years or more until nearly everyone on the business/campuses and elsewhere in the world is using it, then to adopt that technology and immediately attempt to centralize and gain complete and sole control of it [for example, Web hosting, Webmail, ssh, etc].

'I Provide Open Source Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man -- a nice parody on doc-coms in general and open source doc-coms in particular

"VisTech is your one-stop source for Internet and Intranet open source development, as well as open source software support and collaborative development" said Smuda, adjusting the toupee he has worn since age 23. "We are an open source company that can evaluate and integrate multi-platform open source solutions, including Linux, Apache, MySql, Python and Zope"

"Remember, no job is too small for the professionals at VisTech, and high quality is guaranteed" added the spouseless, childless man, who is destined to die alone and unloved. "And no job is too big for us, either."

... ... ...

Stallman Cloned to Finish his Job on Hurd

Unidentified fan cut off a piece of  RMS beard while he was sleeping after free software feather section at Usenix and cloned the man several times. "I want many more Stallman's clones" he explained in his phone conversation with New York times -- "I want them to write Hurd OS, the work unfinished by the original human prototype. Also both GCC and emacs now are showing its age and need fresh workforce to prevent stagnation. ". "That's the most effective way to support the idea of free software" the man stated.

There were rumors that he already has at least three RMS clones and expect to raise the number to nine in the near future.  I have enough generic material for a battalion of RMS clones boasted the man. He also mentioned that  Linus Torvalds clones are also in his plans.

Asked about question whether human cloning is legal the perpetrator of this mass RMS cloning replied to NYT correspondent Judith Miller that he does not care. "I think genes are essentially a form of software that wants to be free and realize themselves in as many copies as possible"   he  stated.

Poetry

unknown source (well originally Paul McCartney :-)

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

 Experts arose from their own urgent need to exist.  I am 7 years old. My friend told me that Linus Torvalds is a talking penguin. Papa don't know. Please tell me the truth.  from a Slashdot post Hacker's Christmas There are four major species of Unix sysadmins: ... The Administrative Fascist. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration. ... The Idiot. Usually a cretin, morphodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers Know your Unix System Administrator

Most popular:

Other notable entries:

Enjoy the collection !

Dr. Nikolai Bezroukov

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## Free as in Free Lunch News :-)

 As a service to our readers who have better things to do than to read the self-congratulating news on Slashdot or Linux Today every day, we present the highlights of the best open source humor stories for the current year. But sometimes they are from the previous year or even from the previous century; sometimes they are not about open source. You are warned ;-) - Editor The difference between BSD and GPL is similar to the difference between sex and rape. -- Usenet SIG An average Slashdot reader loves Linux and runs Windows - From a Slashdot post of a person who, probably, has access to the Slashdot webservers logs with their 90% of Windows hits and 40% IE hits

#### [Jul 24, 2017] How to misunderstand security

###### Nov 07, 2006 | eli.thegreenplace.net
We're now trying to book rooms in a couple of lodges in Australia for our trip. When contacting the lodge by email, they inevitably ask you to send them your credit card number. I'm very reluctant to provide my credit card number by email, as it's about the least secure way there is to transfer information over the net. So, I usually ask for a secure web-page to submit the number to (HTTPS pages use proven public key algorithms to transfer the data securely), and there's rarely a problem. But today I received two most original answers from two places. One says:
You can send the number in two different emails [...]
That is, if the card number is 1234 5678, send 1234 in one email, and 5678 in another. This is surely going to confuse them hackers :-D :-D The other provided an even better algorithm:
If concerned about security you could use our fax number [...], or send your number via email and on the last set of four digits add 1 to each number for example, if your last 4 numbers on the card are 4566 send me 5677

#### [May 22, 2017] NSA is here to help you or Spying as a service (SAAS)

###### May 22, 2017 | www.unz.com

Look at the bright side; If you lost the grocery list your wife gave you, call the NSA and ask them to send you a copy.

If your boss denies promising you a raise call NSA for supporting materials.

SAAS ( Spying as a service)

#### [Feb 12, 2017] Voice Activation Module instllaed on corporate printers

###### Feb 12, 2017 | thwack.solarwinds.com

Not a horror story, more of an I.T. payback. A few years ago I created several incredibly official looking I.T. signs for the various company printers. The signs informed everyone that the new "Voice Activation Module" had finally been installed and was fully functional. April Fools!! LOL!!

The audio/video captures, and trouble tickets from that day were priceless. LOL! My old boss and I still talk about some of them to this day.

#### [Nov 03, 2016] And Now For Some Comic Relief by Jonathan V. Last

###### Nov 03, 2016 | www.weeklystandard.com
Presenting...the Clinton IT Department! This has not been an especially ennobling election. Or a rewarding one. Or even entertaining. Pretty much everything about 2016 has been boorish and grotesque. But finally it is time to laugh.

This has not been an especially ennobling election. Or a rewarding one. Or even entertaining. Pretty much everything about 2016 has been boorish and grotesque. But finally it is time to laugh.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Clinton IT department.

Over the weekend we finally found out how Clinton campaign honcho John Podesta's emails were hacked. But first a couple disclaimers:

1) Yes, it's unpleasant to munch on the fruit of the poisoned tree. But this isn't a court of law and you can't just ignore information that's dragged into the public domain.

2) We're all vulnerable to hackers. Even if you're a security nut who uses VPNs and special email encryption protocols, you can be hacked. The only real security is the anonymity of the herd. Once a hacker targets you, specifically, you're toast.

I'm a pretty tech-savvy guy and if the Chinese decided to hack my emails tonight, you'd have everything I've ever written posted to Wikileaks before the sun was up tomorrow.

But that is … not John Podesta's situation.

What happened was this: On March 19, Podesta got what looked--kind of, sort of--like an email from Google's Gmail team. The email claimed that someone from the Ukraine had tried to hack into Podesta's Gmail account and that he needed to change his password immediately.

This is what's called a "phishing" scam, where hackers send legitimate-looking emails that, when you click on the links inside them, actually take you someplace dangerous. In Podesta's case, there was a link that the email told him to click in order to change his password.

This was not an especially good bit of phishing. Go have a look yourself. The email calls Podesta by his first name. It uses bit.ly as a link shortener. Heck, the subject line is the preposterous "*someone has your password*". Why would Google say "someone has your password?" They wouldn't. They'd say that there had been log-in attempts that failed two-step authentication, maybe. Or that the account had been compromised, perhaps. If you've spent any time using email over the last decade, you know exactly how these account security emails are worded.

And what's more, you know that you never click on the link in the email. If you get a notice from your email provider or your bank or anyone who holds sensitive information of yours saying that your account has been compromised, you leave the email, open your web browser, type in the URL of the website, and then manually open your account information. Again, let me emphasize: You never click on the link in the email!

But what makes this story so priceless isn't that John Podesta got fooled by an fourth-rate phishing scam. After all, he's just the guy who's going to be running Hillary Clinton's administration. What does he know about tech? And Podesta, to his credit, knew what he didn't know: He emailed the Clinton IT help desk and said, Hey, is this email legit?

And the Clinton tech team's response was: Hell yes!

No, really. Here's what they said: One member of the team responded to Podesta by saying "The gmail one is REAL." Another answered by saying "This is a legitimate email. John needs to change his password immediately."

It's like the Clinton IT department is run by 90-year-old grandmothers. I half-expect the next Wikileaks dump to have an email from one Clinton techie to another asking for help setting their VCR clock.

As the other guy likes to say, "only the best people."

#### [Sep 12, 2016] An open note to Packard Bell about Recovery disks

###### Sep 12, 2016 | nickgeoghegan.net

Filed in Odd Crap | Tech No Comments

Evening,

I made a complete balls of my Windows Install including the recovery partition, and the self made recovery DVD's are scratched beyond recognition.

Is it possible to get the CD's off of you?

Regards,

Nick

Hello, Thank you for contacting Packard Bell.

For information about availability and prices, please call the Packard Bell Sales & upgrade Department on 0871 467 0008 during office hours (9.00 a.m. until 5.30 p.m.). Disc sets would cost £50 and take approximately 10-15 working days for delivery.

When contacting our Sales & upgrade Department please mention the computer's serial number to assure an efficient response.

Thank you for contacting Packard Bell. We look forward to hearing from you soon

Regards

Packard Bell UK Customer Support Team

Good Evening,

I'm afraid I cannot afford fifty of your British Pounds Sterling as my owl has eaten all the money I had hidden in the sugar bowl (FYI – Owls on sugar is like Lindsey Lohan on coke).

I have attached a self portrait of myself. I am a well renowned artist, brother, lover and ginge – currently King of the Gingers for five consecutive years, with every year involving a bear knuckle boxing match which takes place in a blue horsebox being pulled by a Massie 135 through the village center. Two men enter, one man leaves… then the other man leaves a short time later.

The current price for my artwork is seventy five pound sterling, which is 182 German Deutsche Marks or 1024768 Itchy and Scratchy Dollars and by reading this email you accept my portrait as full payment for any fees incured now or in the future including, but not limited to; postage, panda attack, sexual harassment lawsuits, incarceration due to pantlessness, or the purchase of new pants.

I await in joyfull hope for the coming of the flying Spaghetti Monster and to hear from you soon regarding the postage of the CD's.

Regards,

Dr.Nicholas Ignatious Gerard Geoghegan-Eta Rossa, PhD, ASCII, WPA, TELNET

Hello, Thank you for contacting Packard Bell.

The picture was excellent, and the email was funny, however we can only provide recovery CD's for usual fee of £50.

Regards

Steve
Packard Bell Support Team

My Dearest Steve,

How have you been?

It's been a long time, far far too long. Every time I see a clear blue sky I am reminded of you. Do you remember that fresh, warm, June afternoon we spent together by the lake all those years ago?

We were so young and carefree back then, filled with pith and vinegar. It's hard to look back and believe we were so naive back then – but that is the folly of youth. Do you remember the boat Captain, with his weather worn, scared face? He passed away two years ago, it was a beautiful funeral. Flowers and brass adorned every part of his rich, oaken coffin. I thought I'd see you there, but you never showed.

I still look back on that day with fondness, that was the day we stopped being children and became men… we grew up so much in that single day. I still remember the cucumber and jam sandwiches? How we thought cucumber and raspberry jam together would be nice I'd never know!

When I close my eyes at night, I can still feel your warm embrace. We both know what we were doing was wrong in the eyes of God, but it felt so right. I've taught myself to keep those urges under control, but seeing your email has made all those emotions come flooding back to me.

I will be perfectly candid and straight, I've found a wife and we married a few years ago but the love I feel for her is different to our love. Our beautiful, passionate love.

I really do hope you like the picture I sent previously. I hope that seeing it wasn't difficult for you. Trying to find the courage and will to reply to your email has been mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting for me.

By replying to my last email you have indicated that you accept my End User Licence Agreement and I can't wait to receive the Recovery Disks in the post – hopefully scented with your musk. When you are ready to post the disks, please let me know and I'll tell you my home address… Do with it as you will, but please be discreet.

Forever yours,

Dr.Nicholas Geoghegan, PhD, CDRW, TCP/IP, GCC-CPP

Hello, Thank you for contacting Packard Bell.

Unfortunateley [sic] you will need to contact the call centre to obtain recovery CD's. Their number is 0871 467 0008.

We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Regards

Mark
Packard Bell Support Team

#### [Jun 26, 2016] Hillary releases twenty thousand spam e mails from old navy by Andy Borowitz

##### "... "In an effort to be transparent, I have gone above and beyond what is required of me by law and released every last e-mail I received from this retailer," she told reporters. "Now I think we can all consider this case closed." ..."
###### March 11, 2015 | The Borowitz Report

Hoping to quell the controversy over e-mails missing from her private account, the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Wednesday released twenty thousand spam e-mails she received from Old Navy.

"In an effort to be transparent, I have gone above and beyond what is required of me by law and released every last e-mail I received from this retailer," she told reporters. "Now I think we can all consider this case closed."

The e-mails reveal an extensive one-way correspondence between Clinton and Old Navy, as the retailer sometimes contacted her up to a dozen times in a single day to inform her of sales and other offers.

"This is one of the main reasons I set up a private e-mail account," she said. "I did not want spam from Old Navy clogging up the State Department servers."

But if the former Secretary of State thought that she could end the controversy swirling around her e-mail account by releasing the Old Navy spam, she may have miscalculated.

Representative Trey Gowdy, the Republican chairman of the House Benghazi select committee, questioned why Clinton would let twenty thousand spam e-mails from Old Navy accumulate rather than simply unsubscribe. "It doesn't pass the smell test," he said.

Responding to that allegation, Clinton said, "I want the American people to know that, on multiple occasions, I tried to unsubscribe from Old Navy, and my requests were ignored. The most frustrating part of this whole affair is that I've never even bought anything from Old Navy."

Get news satire from The Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.

#### [Jun 26, 2016] http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/a-visit-from-tech-support-for-hillary-clinton

TECH SUPPORT: Hi, Secretary Clinton? I'm Liz, from tech support. Your assistant said that you needed help getting Outlook on your phone?

SECRETARY OF STATE HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON: Oh, hi. Great. Come on in.

TECH: This shouldn't take too long. Are you working on a Blackberry or an iPhone?

CLINTON: God, who knows. I have so many devices these days.

TECH: Really? How many?

CLINTON: Two.

TECH: That shouldn't be a problem. So let's get Outlook fired up here. O.K. Hmm. It looks like you haven't set up an account yet?

CLINTON: I've been using my hdr22@clintonemail.com address.

TECH: Most State Department employees prefer to use a state.gov address.

CLINTON: I don't know that I would describe my role here as "employee."

TECH: Right. Well, it's sort of a best-practice thing. We can make sure that all your correspondence is secure this way, and it'll make it easier to comply with FOIA requests.

CLINTON: Why would there be a FOIA request?

TECH: You're right. There won't be. But I like to say you can never be too careful.

CLINTON: I guess. Liz, between you and me, I'm not really a big e-mailer. I pretty much only use it for stuff like planning Chelsea's wedding and chatting with my yoga instructor about whether we should impose sanctions on Iran.

TECH: It's still good to get this set up. Go ahead and connect your device to the computer.

CLINTON: . . .

TECH: You can use that U.S.B. portal.

CLINTON: . . .

TECH: Here, it's just this cord. O.K., I'm noticing that you have a lot of documents just saved to your desktop. It's really safer to save them directly on the State Department server.

CLINTON: I'll be sure to do that.

TECH: That way they're password-protected. And again, FOIA.

CLINTON: I'm less worried about that than you are.

TECH: You're the boss! O.K., next go to "Settings."

CLINTON: . . .

TECH: It looks like a little gear symbol.

CLINTON: Oh! There it is.

TECH: Then to go to "General."

CLINTON: . . .

TECH: . . .

CLINTON: . . .

TECH: It's down next to-

CLINTON: I got it, all right? Jesus.

TECH: Follow the prompt for e-mail.

CLINTON: I'm not seeing it.

TECH: It's right there next-

CLINTON: Please don't point. I'll never learn that way.

TECH: O.K., sorry. Keep scrolling.

CLINTON: Is it under Bluetooth? What is Bluetooth?

TECH: No, it's-

CLINTON: Do I need to be in Dropbox?

TECH: What? No. Just click e-mail.

CLINTON: Got it!

TECH: Great. Let's get you rolling with a username and a password. Feel free to really be creative here. Some people use their pets' names, or the name of their high school.

TECH: That's sort of not ideal.

TECH: Perfect. It's hard to spell and it doesn't have any special significance.

CLINTON: So I'm done?

CLINTON: I am. It's not accepting "Benghazi."

TECH: Hmm. That's O.K. This is a known issue. Let's try "retrieve password."

CLINTON: I'm hitting it but nothing's happening.

TECH: Do you mind if I take over?

CLINTON: Fine. But I won't learn.

TECH: Here's the problem. It needs a number. Can we do a different password? Maybe "MrsPrez16"? That's good, right?

CLINTON: That's terrible, but I don't care.

TECH: Hey, Madam Secretary, I get that this is frustrating. Believe me. Just remember that we're on the same team here.

CLINTON: Sorry. UGH. I put in "MrsPrez16" and it's rejecting that too!

TECH: You know, it's probably because you're not using a trusted wifi network. O.K., go back to Settings.

CLINTON: You know what, I'm just going to stick with my personal account. No one is going to care.

TECH: You're probably right. Honestly, this system is so clunky; I've been forwarding stuff to my Gmail since 2006.

CLINTON: Can you get me set up with a Gmail?

TECH: I'm really not supposed to.

CLINTON: Fine. But while you're here, could you help me change my Facebook picture? I want to use this one.

TECH: Oh, nice! You look so badass texting while wearing sunglasses.

CLINTON: I know.

CLINTON: Right.

TECH: Girl, I'll probably make that my profile picture, too. Or at least my Twitter avatar.

CLINTON: Please don't call me "girl."

TECH: It just makes you look like such a tech-savvy, feminist icon.

CLINTON: I am that.

TECH: Totally. O.K., here you go. It's all set. And don't worry about the e-mail thing.

#### [Jun 25, 2016] hillary-clintons-personal-e-mails-to-me

###### newyorker.com

Hi Bess,

Just reaching out again. Did you get my last few e-mails? Since you haven't replied, I worry that they might have ended up in your spam folder. Do you know how to check that? I can have my campaign's digital director send you instructions. Anyway, I would love to say hi, or grab coffee, or whatever, if you have time. I'm around. Just let me know when/where works for you! Have jet; will travel! LOL.

XO

H.R.C.

... ... ...

Bess,

What is going on?

I'm going fucking crazy over here. I think we both know that I've gone above and beyond to reach out to you and be your friend and invite you to cool shit and just be there for you, but I feel like you're taking our relationship totally for granted. I saw you donated fifty dollars after my last e-mail, but, honestly, that just made me feel used. I wish you'd never entered your e-mail address into my campaign Listserv.

So I'm writing one last time to say Go to Hell, Bess. And please don't forget to text HRC to 33422016 to get real-time updates from the trail!

Sincerely,

Hillary Clinton

#### [Feb 21, 2016] An historic breakthrough for robot rights.

Dmanny , 2016-02-21 02:28:50

Marco Rubio will be the next president of the United States.
Philip J Sparrow Dmanny , 2016-02-21 02:31:38
An historic breakthrough for robot rights.

#### [May 20, 2015] Colorado Man Shoots Malfunctioning Computer by Doug Mataconis

###### April 22, 2015 | outsidethebeltway.com

When ctrl + alt + delete doesn't work, just shoot the darn thing.

That's what one man did on Monday night, according to Colorado Springs police. Lucas Hinch, 37, was cited for discharging a weapon within city limits after he took the fight with his computer outside and got the revenge most of us only dream about.

"He got tired of fighting with his computer for the last several months," Lt. Jeff Strossner said. "He was having technology problems, so he took it out in the back alley and shot it."

Strossner tweeted Hinch "executed" his computer in an alley on the 2200 block of West Colorado Avenue.

The penalty for the citation will be up to a judge, police said, adding that Hinch was good-natured about the citation and hadn't realized he was breaking the law when he went Wild West on that useless piece of technology.

Franklin, Wednesday, April 22, 2015 at 11:40

Just came across this related incident:

Pinky, Wednesday, April 22, 2015 at 15:24

They used to have events like "take a sledgehammer to a Toyota". I've got to think that people would pay money to shoot at a computer that was stuck on the blue Windows "welcome" screen.

ernieyeball, Thursday, April 23, 2015 at 14:43

If the computer was in front of a decent backstop (say, a slope or a dirt berm) and he didn't violate any of the usual safety rules,..

This is the Google view of the 2200 block of W Colorado Ave. Colorado Springs. There are alleys behind structures on both sides of the streets. Can't clearly identify slopes or dirt berms.

Even if we could I don't see how that mitigates the fact that he was breaking the law by discharging his firearm in the city limits.

But you know. Screw the law and the safety rules. As long as you're having fun!

CET, Thursday, April 23, 2015 at 17:38

@ernieyeball:

Yea . . . that does look a little bit dense for recreational shooting. From the looks of that alley you're either talking about standing over it shooting down (which is fine if it's on dirt, but might be dicey on cement) or shooting at it 'down-ish' from a little ways back, which would be a big F***ing red flag unless you know exactly what's behind your target for the next mile or so (and it doesn't include people).

Kudos for running the address – I should have done that first. And this guy would definitely have been better off using a sledgehammer.

#### [May 15, 2015] Fed-Up Employee Just About 14 Years Away From Walking Out Door

###### The Burning Platform

WALTHAM, MA-Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday. "I swear to God, if things don't improve around here real fast, I am out of here in 14 years or so-I am not bluffing," Holden said, noting that if he has to endure just a decade and a half more of company-wide incompetence and pointless micromanagement, he is gone for good. "Seriously, I don't think I can take any more than 3,000 more days of this before I snap.

Mark my words, if 2029 rolls around and it's still the same old shit around here, I'm cleaning out my desk, getting on that elevator, and never coming back." Holden added that if his boss belittled him in front of the entire staff just 200 more times, he would storm right into his office and tell him exactly where he can stick it.

#### [Jan 31, 2015] Army sets up new brigade 'for information age'

###### BBC News

quietoaktree

Officer --" Corporal Jones !"

Corporal--" Yes SIR !"

Officer -- " 30 ´dislikes´on Facebook, 10 BBC
´Referrals´and 5 ´Removals´for breaking the House Rules --just isn´t good enough to protect this country on your 4 hour shift !"

Corporal --" Sorry sir, but 2 contributions WERE accepted."

#### [Jan 13, 2014] Ask Slashdot What To Do With Misdirected Email

###### Slashdot
KennyLB

Here's how I handle it... (5, Funny)

From: lauren
To: Ken
Date: Fri, Dec 18, 2009 at 10:15 AM

12/18/2009

Hi Ken and Stephanie!

Thank you for your interest in Loose Mansion! We would love to host your wedding ceremony and reception, or possibly just your ceremony! As I mentioned, we'll have to wait until closer to your date before knowing if we can accomodate your afternoon ceremony on November 6, 2010. We are also available Saturday evenings, October 2 and 30, and November 13 and 20, 2010! Please know Loose Mansion is perfect for your group size!

Attached is general pricing and policy information. I will put together a more specific estimate for you now that I know more about your plans, and will send that in a separate email shortly!

In case you haven't had a chance to fully explore our website, please know that it contains a wealth of information about our events, including slide videos, photo galleries, guest comments, and answers to frequently asked questions.

We're proud to say that the Kansas City community recently voted Loose Mansion, "Best Venue in Kansas City" on the KMBC TV A-List Website! To see reviews and photos on the A-List Website, please visit: REMOVED.

We know that planning a wedding event can be overwhelming to many people...but, not to us! Our expert staff will ensure you have an amazing event, and we'll make planning simple and fun!

Warm Regards,

Lauren REMOVED
Event Manager

My response....

date: Sun, Dec 20, 2009 at 2:09 PM
subject: Re: Information About Loose Mansion
From: Ken

Lauren,

Thank you very much for your information about the Loose Mansion. While the information was rather intriguing, I'm afraid that I do not know this Stephanie who you are hooking me up with? I'm very surprised to hear that I am getting married as well, and this was quite a shock to my current wife.

Also, Kansas City seems a rather long drive from my current residence in Maryland. I'm afraid that while Loose Mansion sounds wonderful, and I'm sure this will be an excellent event, I don't believe I will be able to attend.

To Mark, Brett, and Seth, whom I have CC'd on this email. Please guys, NO MORE BLIND WEDDING DATES. My wife does not appreciate it.

Thanks,

Ken

PS: Lauren, you may want to try to get in contact with the OTHER Ken, who is actually getting married. Sorry, I have no idea who he is.

#### [Nov 17, 2013] Willa's World The Six Most Common Species Of Code

The Six Most Common Species Of Code

Michael Mandrus said...

A CS 101 student would never write a recursive function.
November 9, 2013 at 9:16 PM

saurabh singh said...

@Michael Depending on the teacher taking the CS101. I am pretty much sure every one in my batch would have written a recursive function over an iterative solution
November 10, 2013 at 12:00 AM

Animesh said...

@Saurabh, Michael
Recursive function for Fibonacci will be very inefficient. Its running time will grow exponentially with X. :) Watch this video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM9sA5PtznY
November 10, 2013 at 1:12 AM

Abhishek said...

I hope someone noticed the point of this post and which in my view is that the more you know things, the more constrained your view becomes, instead of thinking in a straightforward manner, we think of all the ways something could go wrong and more often than not, it holds us back from doing anything.
November 10, 2013 at 2:43 AM

Rooney said...

@Animesh

Recursion is not used without memoization. With it, it's a linear algorithm.

November 10, 2013 at 4:39 AM

RockNes said...

Math guy's program will go in an infinite loop if b is a non integer number :/
November 10, 2013 at 7:35 AM

meenu iyyer said...

This is sooo true and really funny.. i have been there and done that for all the different roles [Excpet the cat ofcourse ;)] .... code written at a large comany is the best.. ROFL!
November 10, 2013 at 7:39 AM

KARTIK SACHAN said...

why u guys senti by looking at this ?
this if for fun only :) :)
November 10, 2013 at 8:43 AM

thanbo said...

The Math PhD's closed-form answer is less efficient than the basic iterative/recursive solution. It requres 2n (or for the rounding version, n) multiplications to do the exponentiation, while the brute-force solution requires n additions, which on most processors are faster than multiplications.
November 10, 2013 at 9:18 AM

virgincoder said...

LOL ! Funny ! I laughed so much when I saw the "Code Written At a Large Company" part ! LOL
November 10, 2013 at 9:48 AM

Subhrajit said...

so no one gives a sh!t about the computational complexity. All the recursive implementations have exponential complexity. And I seriously have no clue what the author tried to prove with the totally gibberish large company or math PhD code.

int fibonacci(int x){
if (x <= 2)
return 1;
else {
int sum = 1, oldsum = 1, tmpsum;
for (int a = 3; a <= x; a++) {
tmpsum = sum;
sum = sum + oldsum;
oldsum = tmpsum;
}
return sum;
}
}

It has linear complexity.

November 10, 2013 at 11:51 AM

Unknown said...

A database specialist would write

SELECT Value FROM dbo.Fibonacci WHERE n = @n;

November 10, 2013 at 12:36 PM

Herman Saksono said...

I would be surprised if a large company has a fibonacci method that runs on O(2^n) time.
November 10, 2013 at 3:48 PM
• Gabrielle said...

When I took my bachelor degree, I used "cat" species code for my homework. The code worked, but guess what? Got 0 because my teacher didn't understand any sh*t I wrote :))
November 10, 2013 at 9:31 PM
• Rahul Thakur said...

I get the humour, but for those suggesting improvements, here's a simpler one -

void fibonacci(int number_of_terms){
int T1=0, T2=1;
do{
T1 = T1 + T2;
T2 = T1 - T2;
printf("%d\n", T2);
number_of_terms--;
} while(number_of_terms > 0);
}

This is in C btw, and here's a compiled version - http://ideone.com/gs0Duz

November 10, 2013 at 10:02 PM
• aMIT sHaKyA said...

Here we go, complete imagination of author went to a toss. And post has become dead ground for recursive algo complexity discussion. Screw you coding wannabes.

Too good post. Don't do CS graffiti here.

November 10, 2013 at 10:50 PM
• HuzursuZ said...

i do as

f(n)=( (1+sqrt(5))^n - (1-sqrt(5))^n ) / (sqrt(5)*2^n)

so what i become ?

November 11, 2013 at 1:35 AM
• Paul K said...

Having worked at 5 *very* different companies in 5 years, I can testify that there is a lot of truth to this!

(Except perhaps the one with the cat)

November 11, 2013 at 5:56 AM

And code written by a student, that paid attention during algoritms, knows how to google and did remember to trust only reliable sources of information...

http://introcs.cs.princeton.edu/java/23recursion/Fibonacci.java.html

November 11, 2013 at 6:21 AM

ac said...

is missing the kernel guy code:

int fib(int n) {
if (n < 0) {
#ifdef HAVE_ERRNO
errno = EDOM;
#endif
return -1;
}

return n == 0
? 0
: (n == 1
? 1
: (n == 2
? 2
: fib(n - 2) * fib(n-1)
)
);
}

sarath chandra said...

Lol so true, code written at large company does look like that, (why? :()
November 11, 2013 at 6:42 AM

Daniel Dwire said...

This comment has been removed by the author.
November 11, 2013 at 6:52 AM

tsndiffopera said...

Phew! Then who'd write a O(lg(n)) algorithm using matrix exponentiation ? Only me? :P

[{1 1},{1 0}]^n = [{F_(n+1) F_n},{F_n F_(n-1)}]

Also, x^n = x^(n/2)*x^(n/2)

which has O(lg(n)) ;)

November 11, 2013 at 7:08 AM

joe random said...

Just to be pedantic for my CS/math bros:
The CS101 code doesn't need recursion or memoization, and that would occur to most students, since that's how people do it by hand: they take the last two numbers, add them together, and get a new number. Then they can forget the oldest number. A simple for loop takes care of that. Admittedly, this is explicit memoization.

But worse, the code by a "math phd" isn't any faster than that, and is inexact if there is rounding error, unless it uses an overcomplicated math framework that handles sqrts symbolically.

Still, if you change the (math phd?) exponentiation function to do successive squaring, you get the best running time so far, O(log n). A CS101 student could even work out how to do it without a heavyweight math library, since all of the intermediate computations are on numbers of the form (a+b*sqrt(5))/2^n where a,b, and n are integers. So you only need integer arithmetic.

There other O(log n) algorithms, such as ones exploiting the recurrences
F_(2n-1) = (F_n)^2 + (F_(n-2))^2
and
F_(2n) = (2F_(n-1) + F_n)F_n

Sincerely,
a math phd candidate

November 11, 2013 at 7:20 AM

Леха Чебара said...

cat style looks like perl code
November 11, 2013 at 8:08 AM

The Math PhD would use haskell and produce an infinite list of fibonacci results.
November 11, 2013 at 8:38 AM

Siberiano said...

I think math phd should write that in Lisp.

A simple version would be, but you may expand to add other parameter forms.

(defun fib (x) (if (< x 2) x (fib (- x 1) (- x 2))))

November 11, 2013 at 9:02 AM

Maciek Napora said...

My most beloved school of coding is so called 'Weimar school'. It used by Germans for writing embedded code, mainly safety critical code. It goes something like this:

#define ONE 0U
#define TWO 1U
#define E_OK 0U
#define THRE 16U
#define HUNDRED 100U
uint8_t UDS_tx_buff_au8[HUNDRED + ONE]

uint8_t panic(uint16_t kondition_u16)
{
uint8_t temp_u8;

/* I am evaluating kondition */
if(kondition_u16 > THRE)
{
UDS_tx_buff_au8[ONE] = ONE;
UDS_tx_buff_au8[TWO] = TWO;
temp_u8 = HUNDRED;
}
else
{
UDS_tx_buff_au8[ONE] = ONE;
UDS_tx_buff_au8[TWO] = ONE;
temp_u8 = HUNDRED;
}

return temp_u8;
}

#### [Oct 19, 2012] Google's Engineers Are Well Paid, Not Just Well Fed -

crazyjj

$128,000? Considering the amount of effort in getting a job there, the hours worked, and the cost of living in Mountain View, I think that roughly equals minimum wage. Maybe they need a software engineers' union. Anonymous Coward Jesus, that's roughly 3x's what I make, and I'm on call 24/7. But then I'm not a genius with 3 phd's like the people that mop floors at google. #### [Aug 30, 2012] Softpanorama Bulletin Computer Humor Archive 1989-1997 #### [Aug 24, 2012] Recently laid off IT employee tax form #### [Aug 14, 2012] Slackerism Softpanorama IT slacker Society Crazy, crazy programmers life #### [Aug 14, 2012] Real Programmers Humor #### [Aug 14, 2012] Man Crashes Car As 50 Pagers Ring At Once ###### Jan 15, 1999 | Reuters KIEV (Reuters) - A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday. The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported. ''With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching. The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.'' After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: ''Congratulations on a successful purchase!'' #### [Mar 31, 2012] Ask Slashdot What Defines Success In an Open Source Project - Slashdot ###### March 27 | Slashdot binarylarry: What is best in life? (Score:5, Funny) I believe RMS said it best when he declared the following metrics required for FOSS project success: 1) To crush your enemies 2) To see them driven before you 3) To hear the lamentation of their women For a good example of this, check out how Android has dominated Window Phone 7 and how their womenfolk continually spam Slashdot with first posts about their crushed dreams. gknoy: You know, comparing RMS to Conan's uncompromising character is amusingly on-target. :) Thanks for making me nearly spit my drink, as that was awesome. #### [Mar 09, 2012] Computer Humor #### [Nov 25, 2011] Black Friday Antidote: George Carlin on Advertising and Consumerism ##### "I've always had the impression that corporate HR and IT departments are managed by former Soviet bureaucrats. There is not a more honesty-enforcing device in modern life than a compiler and the attendant run-time system, nor a greater intellectual joy than the art and science that can be created with it. But IT departments are generally managed by people who failed programming... ###### November 25, 2011 | naked capitalism Americans roll from a holiday that has come to be about overeating to a day where merchants hope to seduce customers into an orgy of overspending. In an interesting bout of synchronicity, Michael Thomas just sent me a link to this George Carlin video. It may help steel the will of Black Friday conscientious objectors. I'm also looking forward to Carlin's characteristic crudeness offending the Proper Discourse police (this clip is tame compared to The Aristocrats). postmodernprimate: Bill Hicks is another comic genius who would be having a field day with the obscenely target-rich satire bounty modern America has become. Bill Hicks on Marketing "By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing… kill yourself. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root – I don't know. You try, you do what you can. Seriously though, if you are, do. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing a joke…" there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, hang yourself, borrow a gun – I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil machinations. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too, "Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart…" Sock Puppet George Carlin on the American Dream: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acLW1vFO-2Q Finance Addict: Also consider this on Black Friday: a research paper with a claim of hard evidence that television led to increased debt in the U.S. #### [Nov 03, 2011] The Stallman Dialogues • Friendly conference organizer: Thank you for coming, Mr. Stallman. We're about to begin. I trust your trip was comfortable? • Stallman: It was indeed comfortable, but an economy class seat would have been good enough. • Friendly conference organizer: It was the least we could do - we know how much you like to fit work in whenever you can and thought it would be easier for you in business class. • Stallman: The extra price of a business class ticket would be a lot more useful to me if I can spend it on something else. How about you pay the extra to me as a speakers fee instead? Cash is fine. • Friendly conference organizer: Oh, I'm sorry…. I'll see what I can do about the return ticket. Otherwise, are you comfortable? • Stallman: I am quite sleepy. • Friendly conference organizer: Sorry to hear that - can I get you something to drink? A diet coke, perhaps? • Stallman: There is an international boycott of the Coca Cola company for killing union organizers in Colombia and Guatemala. See killercoke.org. • Friendly conference organizer: Ah, I think I remember seeing that once when I was on the Internet. • Stallman: You mean web browsing. • Friendly conference organizer: Yes, of course. • Stallman: If someone doesn't understand the difference between "Internet" and "web browsing", that person is not competent to give reliable information. • Friendly conference organizer: …. How about a diet Pepsi? • Stallman: I dislike the taste of all diet soda. I would like two cans of Pepsi. • Friendly conference organizer: Okay, I think we have some bottles, I'll find you a couple. • Stallman: Small bottles. • (Submitted by Jonathan.) #### [Sep 23, 2011] Blessed be the Org, the Com, and the Net - Stallmanism ##### You can't make it up ;-) Blessed be the Org, the Com, and the Net This Religion is free software: you can redistribute it and/or modify it under the terms of GNU General Public License (GPL) as published by the Free Software Foundation, either version 3 of the License, or (at your option) any later version. What is Stallmanism? Stallmanism is an organized religion, a set of stories, symbols, beliefs and practices that give meaning to the practitioner's experiences of life through reference to an ultimate power or reality. What do Stallmanists believe in? Generally, Stallmanists believe that the GPL - version 3 or (at your option) any later version - is a sacred text and that Richard Stallman is the Prophet who brought this text to us. So Stallmanists believe in God? Yes, but not as a type of imaginary cosmic telepathic friend. Stallmanism teaches us that God is Us, God is the Community. In this respect, Stallmanism has roots in the Humanist philosophies. How does one become a Stallmanist? To discover one's Stallmanism requires an individual journey of meditation, observation, participation, and understanding. The destination of this journey is Enlightenment, the point at which an individual realizes his or her Stallmanism, joins the Community, and becomes one with God. Does Stallmanism exclude non-believers? Stallmanism is not a binary faith. There are many levels of Stallmanism and the freedom of all to participate at any, or none, of these levels is very important to Stallmanists. For example, Primitive Stallmanists adhere to the GPLv2, while Fundamentalist Stallmanists adhere to the Affero License. Stallmanism embraces those who worship other texts, so long as they are Free Software Licenses as defined the FSF. Do Stallmanists believe in Good and Evil? There is no good or evil, only consequences, pleasant or less so. I'm an atheist - how could Stallmanism work for me? Stallmanism is a compatible extension of atheism. Atheism is a step on the road to Enlightenment, a rejection of legacy religions, imaginary friends, telepathy, and pixies. Stallmanism takes this a step further and says that we, humans, fully define Heaven and Hell, through the adoption of an appropriate social contract. So what is Heaven, and what is Hell? That should be obvious to anyone who uses Windows, or any other non-free software. Heaven is that state in which all knowledge is freely available to all, and Hell is the opposite. Why is the GPL so important? A True Believer does not question the sacred texts, but if you really insist, it's because the GPL defines an evolving social contract that eliminates friction in the digital society and economy, promotes universal access to knowledge, and thus enables the inevitable emergence of a global human super-consciousness, which Stallmanists recognize as "God". Does Stallmanism believe in converting the unbelievers? Yes. Stallmanists believe that it is their duty to explain their own journey to Enlightenment, in song and prose and source code, to anyone who will listen. What's the difference between Stallmanism.org and Stallmanism.com? The Org is the Community, the Bazaar if you will, and the Com is the Cathedral, the official Church of Stallmanism. The Net is the Holy Spirit, consisting of all the works every released under the GPL and more broadly, all users of those works. Thus Stallmanists believe in the suitably tax-deductible Holy Trinity of the Org, the Com, and the Net. What does God look like? God can take many forms, all licensed under the GPL - version 3 or (at your option) any later version. Current opinion favors a penguin with horns and the face of a GNU. Possibly with a full beard, to demonstrate a peaceful nature. How does Stallmanism compare to Stalinism? To quote the Prophet: "Your freedom to swing your arms ends two inches before my nose." Stallmanism is not a murderous political ideology but a proper God-fearing religion. How does Stallmanism compare to, say, Christianity Like all organized religions, Stallmanism does have a strong profit motive. Unlike legacy closed-source religions, in Stallmanism the profit derives directly to the individual, who by achieving Enlightenment becomes part of the Org, and thus God. How do other religions treat Stallmanism? Stallmanism does present a real threat to legacy religions, and practicing Stallmanists may run the risk of reprisals in certain countries. Some fanatics are attached to their imaginary telepathic friends, and react with hostility to suggestions that these are delusions. For this reason, Stallmanists often take aliases and pseudonyms. Stallman did not write the GPL! True, and Stallmanists recognize a panoply of Saints, such as St.Moglen, who gave us the third version of the GPL and St.Linus, who gave us large parts of the Net. However, there is only one Prophet, and Stallman is his name. What does the Church of Stallmanism do? Principally, the Church lobbies and argues for official recognition of the Stallmanistic faith in all national jurisdictions. In the pursuit of this goal, a large number of active, registered members is a prerequisite. Why does Stallmanism need official status? A practicing Stallmanist, taking part in a recognized religion, receives certain inalienable rights under most national laws covering the right of religious freedom. For example, being forced to use non-free software can be considered as a violation of one's religious rights. Government use of non-free software can be treated as religious discrimination. The use of non-free software in schools can be treated as religious persecution. Do Stallmanists believe in separation of Church and State? When it comes to legacy religions, yes. We do not want political leaders who believe in pixies. However, the Com works to establish Stallmanism as the official state religion of as many countries as possible. If I join early do I get first shot at the female initiates? Yes, and vice-versa. While Stallmanists believe that all people are equal, some are obviously more equal than others. Join early, and you will be rewarded in Heaven. How do I actually join? To become a formal member of the Org, you join this website. The Com is open to those who have demonstrated their commitment to Stallmanism. You are already part of the Net, whether you like it or not, since by using any part of the Net, you become part of the Net. Does joining a Facebook group count? Only God knows. Do I need to pay something? The Com gratefully accepts a voluntary tithe of 1% from all formal members: these funds are used to work for official recognition, proselytism, through the sponsoring of projects, campaigns, and good works. I regularly take showers, can I still join? Absolutely! Your personal habits and hair styling are irrelevant to achieving Enlightenment, though they will have an impact on your social life. Do Stallmanists have religious taboos? Yes. For example, a practicing Stallmanist will not drink Fosters lager, Stella Artois, or Heineken. The most favoured Stallmanist drink is Orval, with Chimay Bleu and Westmalle Tripple coming close behind. With respect to foods, Stallmanists will not consume penguin, unless properly spiced and grilled. Who invented Stallmanism and when? Stallmanism has existed informally since the dawn of time (Wednesday afternoon, January 1989), and was revealed to Wildeboer, Reutenauer and Hintjens at FOSDEM 2009, inspired by the sacred Orval. Several, in fact. Why do we need a religion at all? It's a fact known to scientists, students of human nature, and old men who like wearing funny hats, that people need to believe the world has order and meaning, even if that requires invisible telepathic cosmic pixies. Stallmanism provides its followers with an outlet for their religiosity, without crusades, or jihads, or fairy tales. What does Stallmanism give me? While legacy religions make promises about immortality that you must die to collect, Stallmanism delivers while you are still alive. Any work you release under the GPL becomes part of the Net, and thus achieves immortality. I want to start a schism/fork! Go ahead. Stallmanism is free software: you can redistribute it and/or modify it under the terms of GNU General Public License (GPL) as published by the Free Software Foundation, either version 3 of the License, or (at your option) any later version. #### [Jul 31, 2011] Open Source Report Say what GNU Emacs violates the GPL GPL violations are a dime a dozen. Some are intentional, some are not - but I don't think I've ever seen one quite as surprising as this one. Yes, Richard Stallman has sent out a note letting everybody know that the 23.2 and 23.3 releases of GNU Emacs are in violation of the GPL. Says Stallman, "We have made a very bad mistake. Anyone redistributing those versions is violating the GPL, through no fault of his own." You read that right - GNU Emacs, possibly the most GPLish of GPL'ed programs, has a GPL violation. The specifics as reported by David Kastrup are that Emacs includes a handful of "binary blobs" related to a Collection of Emacs Development Environment Tools (CEDET). We're talking maybe eight files that were autogenerated from Bison grammar files, and the Bison grammar files weren't distributed. Therein lies the GPL violation. It also means that every distribution or downstream distributor of GNU Emacs 23.2 and 23.3 is, technically and unwittingly, violating the GPL. #### [Jul 09, 2011] Organizational Charts Bonkers World #### [Jul 02, 2011] Softpanorama classification of commenters #### [Jul 01, 2011] Russian Linux Humn #### [Dec 13, 2010] Funny programming quotes • "Software is like entropy: It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics; i.e., it always increases." – Norman Augustine "A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors." - Waldi Ravens. • "The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before." – Bill Gates • "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning." - Rick Cook • "PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals." - Jon Ribbens • "Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption." - Keith Bostic • "Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." - Christopher Thompson • "Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live." - Martin Golding • "Standards are always out of date. That's what makes them standards."– Alan Bennett • "There is only one problem with common sense; it's not very common." – Milt Bryce • "In a room full of top software designers, if two agree on the same thing, that's a majority." – Bill Curtis • "Code generation, like drinking alcohol, is good in moderation." – Alex Lowe #### [Sep 25, 2010] Bogus Technologies provides a complete portfolio of ethereal Information Technology Solutions, fractious IT products and somnolent professional services ###### Bogus Technologies "Bogus Technologies -- Enterprise IT and Services "Bogus Technologies provides a complete portfolio of ethereal Information Technology Solutions, fractious IT products and somnolent professional services for business and personal computing. BogusTech can also perform a disk download of useless junk to my computer. We have a complete dearth of low priced high performance computer systems, discount virtualization solutions and low cost servers for the data center, small business or IT companies. "Enterprise IT companies and legitimate business Information Technology service providers offer Enterprise systems and servers, Data Storage Solutions, Enterprise Network hardware and software, Enterprise Software and a list of highly refined Industry Solutions for Manufacturing, Healthcare, Telecommunications, Government and Financial Services. In contrast, BogusTech offers the worst ever technology to ever run on this computer. So you'll need to get your information technology products and services from our marketing partners by clicking on the ads in the margins." #### [Jul 08, 2010] Safety is our primary concern ! ##### Adapted from Tale # 41 To: [staff] Subject: Safety Tips • Close the drawers of filing cabinets when not in use. • Hold the hand rail when using the stairs, and keep to the left • Walk slowly especially on stairs, never run in the office. • When trying to sit down make sure you don't miss the chair. • If you spill coffee/tea put "Caution - Slippery When Wet" sign in area where spill happens and mop the floor with paper towels and/or napkins. Do not walk over spilled coffee/tea. • Approach blind corners and walkways with caution - give way at T-intersections! • When napping avoid accidentally touching power wires. • Open faucets with caution: the water can be hot. #### [Jul 08, 2010] Tales of Corporate Oppression ##### Some of the stories while surreal, are actually not humorous but very sad... At one call centre I worked at it was policy to use the customer's name five times, no matter how brief the call. A friend of mine had a lot of trouble with this, so his team leader decided to coach him: listen to his calls and tell him what he should do differently. The very first call they received was from somebody asking for a service they didn't provide. The call went like this. Customer: "Do you provide such and such service?" Employee: "Can I get your name please?" Customer: "Sure, it's John." Employee: "John. John, John, John, John, no we don't, thanks for calling." === Working for a big corporation, you can feel pretty unimportant. In fact, you can begin to wonder exactly how much anybody cares about what you're doing. A work friend and I decided to test the water. He would stop working, and I would work like never before. At the end of our test period, we had a performance review. • He was raised 75 cents. • I did not get a raise. Reasons cited: • My friend: "Worked well and was barely noticeable. Two thumbs up!" • Me: "Overall negative impression. Recommend employee study work habits of (my friend)." === Call centers collect a lot of stats on their employees, "average handling time" being one of them. They're meant to be be measures of efficiency, but when these stats are the only thing team leaders have to justify their existence sometimes that can lead to wackiness. Take my mate, who was a genuinely nice guy. Far too nice really to be doing the job he was doing. He thought he was there to help customers get their broadband services connected, his manager thought his job was to get customers off the phone ASAP in order to get good stats for the month. Naturally this difference in goals lead to the amusing situation where the manager brought in an egg timer, set it to go off after a minute then would literally stand over the employee yelling, "Why are you still talking to this customer?!?" while the employee tried to juggle an irate customer and an irate boss. After a couple of days of his he was really stressed out. I guess it wasn't helping that he had this whole Pavlovian dog thing happening with egg timers going off (yes, I'm a big meanie for setting one off during lunch) and he came to me for advice. The only honest answer I could give him was to help 2 out of 3 customers and that should bring his handling time down. Just hang up on or transfer the third one. Although he baulked at this (nice guy), it did work, got his boss off his back and everyone was happier... well, except the customer obviously. I suppose that's why I got promoted when I made the suggestion to management that they should make "Customer Satisfaction" a measure for team leaders as well? === I once, very briefly, worked as a telemarketer. I know, you hate me. I'm sorry. We were collecting charitable donations for "The Police Benevolence Foundation," which had absolutely nothing to do with the police per se. I still to this day don't know what the money we were collecting for actually went to. They wouldn't outright tell us. They would only respond to the question by answering 'we might use the money to help officers who are wounded in the line of duty.' Then again, they might not. We were told to never accept no for an answer. In fact, we couldn't accept two no's for an answer. We had to be rejected three times before we could give up. And they actually had to say "No," or "I'm not interested," or in some way offer a firm rejection. "I don't think I can afford it" did NOT count as a rejection. So one day, I was listening to an old lady tell her tale of woe: her husband had died, her daughter never visited, she didn't know where her cat wandered off to, she couldn't afford her medication, she was laid up in bed for two months and her home care nurse was stealing her valuables... I really didn't want to keep pressing this poor old lady for money. But she had never said "no." I should say there was also a strict guideline on how long these calls should LAST. The sooner you get one out of the way, the sooner you could start ripping off someone else. Instead, I listened to her and tried to console her as best I could. After about the first three minutes I never brought up the subject of the Police Benevolence Foundation again. We said goodbye after about 20 minutes and she thanked me for calling. As I left for the day, the boss calls me over to berate me for the length of the conversation, and--since it was screened--hassle me about letting her go without ever getting one firm, "No." As I walked out the door, I waved and said, "Bye! Bye! Bye!" I never went back. === I worked for a Not For Profit organization where ineptitude is not only tolerated but expected. These are people who would be slaughtered in a private organization quicker than you could say 'bleeding heart'. So this isn't really a corporate tale, more of one about human shortcomings and passing the buck. Pretty much transferable over to the private industry world. I worked in a small team, with two managers. Both managers were completely useless and under-performing for years. As is common for these types, they got away with this by passing the buck and lying to senior management. They blamed their staff for poor performance, we were lazy, lacking motivation, always late...yada yada. We weren't, in fact we were surviving and meeting targets in an sector where all our competitors were having their funding cut and being closed down. Eventually, these managers had to up their lies - we were difficult (yeh, we were - we told them they were useless), hard to manage and had 'attitudinal problems' (is that even a word??) The General Manager believed them, HR stepped in, and we were all put on Performance Management. The shortsightedness of such an act escaped them, and we 'naughty' staff dutifully attended daily meetings to explain our every act to our hapless manager who didn't actually understand what it was that we were doing. This went on for six months, the only thing we could do was laugh and wait to be fired. Eventually, the General Manager was fired and his replacement quickly cottoned on to what was happening and sacked our crapola managers. We were all taken off Performance Management, had our 'naughty files' destroyed, and given counseling for our ordeal. If this isn't incredible enough, it turned out that the old management had been messing up reporting to our government funding body and we had actually performed 15% above what was originally thought. === At a medium-sized private textile company, the CEO prided himself on his benevolence to his employees. He even created a non-profit Foundation which provided college scholarships for the children of plant workers. Though each scholarship was only$1000, for the very poor it did provide assistance in helping them achieve their dreams. Each year, the winners were proudly announced in the company newsletter.

After several years, my old computer died and I needed a new one. The IT guy brought in a used computer from Accounting for me to use. I soon found that this computer had been used for running the Foundation. The IT guy hadn't wiped the hard drive and so I was left with lots of information.

As I reviewed the documents (of course I looked), I noticed the CEO's children's names popping up quite frequently--like once a month. They weren't even in college, so it didn't make sense. And the numbers were much larger, too.

A little digging revealed he was paying his kids' private school tuition out of the Foundation, to the tune of $25,000 per year for three kids! Strangely, this one didn't make the company newsletter. #### [Jun 06, 2010] Hidden Commands ###### The Humor Bin A guy calls tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. 10 minutes later. User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. ###### 1 hour later. User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I called Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE. #### [Jun 06, 2010] - A Week In The Life Of Tech Support ###### The Humor Bin 12:00 PM Lunch 3:30 PM Return from lunch. 3:55 PM Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. #### [May 2, 2010] Corporate Speak Dictionary for programmers ##### Reproduced with some modifications ;-). Even if you are in a technical position, you may still find yourself dealing with sales people and corporate management. You will soon discover that they speak a different language and use an arsenal of corny phrases that might just give you the hives. This article is a glossary of our 35 favorite terms and phrases. 1. Acquisition Demonstration of the corporate food chain, whereby larger eats smaller and then excretes non-essential and more often then not essential nutrients. 2. Action Item Something which needs to be either done or at least placed in a list of things in need of doing. This is probably the most annoying corporate term as usually nothing is even done, and if something is done it's usually a disaster. 3. Challenge A big problem that corporate brass does not knows how to fix. For example CEO stupidity or excessive greed or both. Usually only symptoms are revealed as a challenge, but the root problem is swiped under the carpet. A serious challenge usually mean utter stupidity on high level and can lead to the demise of company. If company brass spends a lot of time talking about challenges, it may be time to look for a new job. 4. Corporate Usually means "corporate brass": the group of people in a company that make the important decisions and take home all of the money. You are most likely not a member of this group. 5. Corporate Vision The list of things that a company would like to provide and accomplish. Most are more like hallucinations than visions. 6. Deliverables Features of a product that should have been included in the original release, however, due to market pressure the product had to be released without these features. These may be sent to customers if/when they are available. 7. Disconnect This is a misunderstanding. For example, your sales staff is probably selling a product that was discontinued in the '70s. This would be a disconnect between sales and marketing. 8. Diversity awareness/training The classes that are taken when a racial discrimination or sexual harassment complaint has been filed against a company in order to limit legal liability. 9. Free download Free download is something that you usually is unabler to sell. Designed to make customeres happy. 10. Fast Track Usually referring to a person that has moved up the corporate ladder faster than they could be held accountable for the mess they made. 11. Growth industry Forget about it. 12. Hit a Home Run This can either mean that things went according to plan, that introduction of a new product did not produce a verifiable disaster, or that a new product sells for small premium instead of huge losses. 13. Incentivise Promise something (usually a company mug or pen). They become a perfectly predictable robot, subject to the whims and offerings of the clever, incentive-offering manager. 14. Integrated solution A utopian term meaning that all of the different parts of a solution (product or series of products) work together. While the term is used frequently, there is no such thing in the real world. 15. Key Enabler The person that will get all of the credit on a project. 16. Leverage A fancy version of the word "use." For example, instead of saying "We could use your product knowledge to help us make a sale", the corporate type would say, "We could leverage your product knowledge to help us make a sale". The use of this word is one of many examples of people trying to sound important in the office. 17. Major Account As a technical type, these are the accounts that you will drop everything for and brown-nose at the request of sales and management. 18. Metric A measurement of success or value. These measurable parameters are used by companies to make important decisions regardless as to whether or not they are measuring what they should be or their collection model is sound. 19. Next steps Next steps are where you go from here and can refer to a project or a process. It is difficult to ever complete these steps due to the number of meetings scheduled to determine what the next steps are. 20. Objections The reasons why a customer does not want to buy from your sales people. The most common objection is the overuse of the terms on this page which tends to confuse the customer. The antidote is plain English. 21. Off-line This means to discuss something in a place or at a time other than the one you currently find yourself in. This may be used by managers to convey that they do not wish to talk about the subject, they do not find it important or you are wasting everyone else's time in a meeting. 22. Out of the Loop This phrase means that one has not been informed about a subject. It is used to deny responsibility or to complain about not having been consulted. 23. Outside the Box Creativity. Those that do think outside the box are generally considered rabble-rousers and trouble-makers. While verbally encouraged, your reward for thinking outside the box may be a pink slip party. 24. Outsourcing The process of laying off internal employees in favor of a staff of Indians or high-school drop-outs run by another company for a quarter of the price. Results usually exceed expectations in a sense that will cost more for the company then to keep its own staff. 25. Overhead The cost of keeping the lights on and the building heated. 26. Own To take responsibility for something. Someone who "owns" something can never claim that they are "out of the loop." 27. Meeting A meeting before another meeting in which the company slackers will get together and figure out what to say or present at the next meeting so that they do not make fools of themselves. 28. Resource An employee. Resources are managed by a group which calls itself "Human Resources." Like hardware, resources have fixed lifespans, can become obsolete and can even malfunction. 29. Restructuring Poor choices have been made and the company needs to start from scratch. Will include massive layoffs and double the workload for those that remain. Upper management will all receive raises. 30. Talk Track A sales pitch memorized by sales staff or management. Designed to prevent foot-in-mouth syndrome and to discourage creativity. 31. Team This term refers to a group of people that work together composed of "Yes" men and women who mever have or venture to express thier own opinion. In the latter case this is a "good team" 32. Marketing The process of convincing a customer to purchase IT products and services that they do not want or need. 33. Value-added Tacking on extra features (for free) to an existing product so that customers have difficulty comparing prices with competitors. 34. War Story A story told by a salesperson that describes a difficult sale that they made. It usually starts off something like, "So I was in the Bahamas..." 35. win/win A fascinating business concept that somehow eliminates the "loser" in any deal or project. A typical win/win situation is when a customer pays their exorbitant bills on time and doesn't ever complain. #### [Dec 16, 2009] Our Marketing Plan By Barry Ritholtz ###### December 14, 2009 | The Big Picture I found this to be hysterical: "Do you blog? If not, get in touch with Kris and Christopher from our online department, although at this point I think only Christopher is left. I'll be out of the office from tomorrow until Monday, but when I get back I'll ask him if he spoke to you. We use CopyBuoy via Hoster Broaster, because it streams really easily into a Plaxo/LinkedIn yak-fest meld. When you register, click "Endless," and under "Contacts" just list everyone you've ever met. It would be great if you could post at least six hundred words every day until further notice. If you already have a blog, make sure you spray-feed your URL in niblets open-face to the skein. We like Reddit bites (they're better than Delicious), because they max out the wiki snarls of RSS feeds, which means less jamming at the Google scaffold. Then just Digg your uploads in a viral spiral to your social networks via an FB/MS interlink torrent. You may have gotten the blast e-mail from Jason Zepp, your acquiring editor, saying that people who do this sort of thing will go to Hell, but just ignore it. The vi-spi is cross-platform, but don't worry if you think you're not on Facebook, because you actually are. Jason enrolled you when you signed the contract last year, or at least he was supposed to, and he told Sarah Williams he did before he had to retire and Sarah left for nursing school. You currently have 421 Friends, 17 Pending Requests, 8 Pokes, 5 Winks, and 3 Proposals of "Marriage." Too funny . . . Source: Subject: Our Marketing Plan Ellis Weiner New Yorker, October 19, 2009 http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/10/19/091019sh_shouts_weiner#ixzz0ZhME7nL8 #### [Nov 25, 2009] Jesse's Café Américain Gold Is Rallying Because.... within the Anglo-American sphere of influence .... the dollar had become the new opium trade, viciously addictive and debilitating #### [Nov 25, 2009] SNAFU principle ##### The term is present in version 2.9.10 (1992) before major distortions introduced by ESR. For pre-ESR versions see Jargon File Archive Index ###### The Jargon File SNAFU principle: /sna´foo prin´si·pl/, n. [from a WWII Army ac­ro­nym for 'Situation Normal, All Fucked Up'] "True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are more consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth.:" - a central tenet of Discordianism, often invoked by hackers to explain why authoritarian hierarchies screw up so reliably and systematically. The effect of the SNAFU principle is a progressive disconnection of decision-makers from reality. This lightly adapted version of a fable dating back to the early 1960s illustrates the phenomenon perfectly: In the beginning was the plan, and then the specification; And the plan was without form, and the specification was void. And darkness was on the faces of the implementors thereof; And they spake unto their leader, saying: "It is a crock of shit, and smells as of a sewer." And the leader took pity on them, and spoke to the project leader: "It is a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof." And the project leader spake unto his section head, saying: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it." The section head then hurried to his department manager, and informed him thus: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." The department manager carried these words to his general manager, and spoke unto him saying: "It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants, and it is very strong." And so it was that the general manager rejoiced and delivered the good news unto the Vice President. "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful." The Vice President rushed to the President's side, and joyously exclaimed: "This powerful new software product will promote the growth of the company!" And the President looked upon the product, and saw that it was very good. After the subsequent and inevitable disaster, the suits protect themselves by saying "I was misinformed!", and the implementors are demoted or fired. Compare Conway's Law. #### [Nov 8, 2009] Better the broken Windows than life with the Mac monks by CHARLIE BROOKER ###### November 3, 2009 | Guardian Using Windows is like living in a communist bloc nation circa 1981. And don't change it. I admit it: I'm a bigot. A hopeless bigot at that: I know my particular prejudice is absurd, but I just can't control it. It's Apple. I don't like Apple products. And the better-designed and more ubiquitous they become, the more I dislike them. I blame the customers. Awful people. Awful. Stop showing me your iPhone. Stop stroking your Macbook. Stop telling me to get one. Seriously, stop it. I don't care if Mac stuff is better. I don't care if Mac stuff is cool. I don't care if every Mac product comes equipped with a magic button on the side that causes it to piddle gold coins and resurrect the dead and make holographic unicorns dance inside your head. I'm not buying one, so shut up and go home. Go back to your house. I know, you've got an iHouse. The walls are brushed aluminum. There's a glowing Apple logo on the roof. And you love it there. You absolute monster. Of course, it's safe to assume Mac products are indeed as brilliant as their owners make out. Why else would they spend so much time trying to convert non-believers? They're not getting paid. They simply want to spread their happiness, like religious crusaders. Consequently, nothing pleases them more than watching a PC owner struggle with a slab of non-Mac machinery. Recently I sat in a room trying to write something on a Sony Vaio PC laptop which seemed to be running a special slow-motion edition of Windows Vista specifically designed to infuriate human beings as much as possible. Trying to get it to do anything was like issuing instructions to a depressed employee over a sluggish satellite feed. When I clicked on an application it spent a small eternity contemplating the philosophical implications of opening it, begrudgingly complying with my request several months later. I called it a bastard and worse. At one point I punched a table. This drew the attention of two nearby Mac owners. They hovered over and stood beside me, like placid monks. "Ah: the delights of Vista," said one. "It really is time you got a Mac," said the other. "They're just better," sang the first monk. "You won't regret it," whispered the second. Leave me alone, I thought. I don't care if you're right. I just want you to die. I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it's there, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's grim, it's slow, everything's badly designed and nothing works properly: using Windows is like living in a communist bloc nation circa 1981. And I wouldn't change it for the world, because I'm an abject bloody idiot and I hate myself, and this is what I deserve: to be sentenced to Windows for life. That's why Windows works for me. But I'd never recommend it to anybody else, ever. This puts me in line with roughly everybody else in the world. No one has ever earnestly turned to a fellow human being and said, "Hey, have you considered Windows?" Until now. Microsoft, hell-bent on tackling the conspicuous lack of word-of-mouth recommendation, is encouraging people - real people - to host "Windows 7 launch parties" to celebrate the release of, er, Windows 7. To assist the party-hosting massive, they've uploaded a series of spectacularly cringeworthy videos to YouTube, in which the four most desperate actors in the world stand around in a kitchen sharing tips on how best to indoctrinate guests in the wonder of Windows. If they were staring straight down the lens reading hints off a card it might be acceptable; instead, they have been instructed to pretend to be friends. The result is the most nauseating display of artificial camaraderie since the horrific Doritos "Friendchips" TV campaign (which caused 50,000 people to kill themselves in 2003, or should have done). It's so terrible, it induces an entirely new emotion: a blend of vertigo, disgust, anger and embarrassment that I like to call "shitasmia". It not only creates this emotion: it defines it. It's the most shitasmic cultural artefact in history. Watch it for yourself. Still, bad though it is, I vaguely prefer the clumping, clueless, uncool, crappiness of Microsoft's bland Stepford gang to the creepy assurance of the average Mac evangelist. At least the grinning dildos in the Windows video are fictional, whereas eerie replicant Mac monks really are everywhere, standing over your shoulder in their charcoal pullovers, smirking at your hopelessly inferior OS, knowing they're better than you because they use Mac OS X v10.6 Snow Leopard. I don't care if you're right. I just want you to die. #### [Nov 5, 2009] The Psychology Of A Distrohopper by Jim Lynch ###### November 4th, 2009 | jimlynch.com There's a unique breed of Linux user out there these days and they're called "distrohoppers." What the heck is a distrohopper? Well according to the Urban Dictionary, here's the definition of a distrohopper: "A distrohopper is someone that keeps switching from one Linux distribution to another, not with the intention to just test a certain Linux distribution, but with the illusion to find the perfect Linux distribution that suits all his/her needs and to install that as his/her main Operating System. Of course that distro does not exist." Of course sometimes less charitable words are used to describe these folks including the always nasty "distroslut." While I certainly don't subscribe to the idea that distrohoppers are "sluts" of any kind, I do find their mentality rather interesting as I see them sometimes on my Linux reviews blog. #### [Oct 30, 2009] Tech Comics #### [Oct 24, 2009] IT Slang • 404: Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking Nick. He's 404." • Assmosis: Remember "Osmosis" The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. • Blamestorming: A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. • Syadmin Joe: A hard-core Unix admin who loved single flavor of Unix, for example AIX (compare with Joe six-pack) • Chainsaw: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands. • CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill- advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM." • Cobweb: A WWW site that never changes. • Crapplet: A badly written Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!" • Dilbertalized: To be exploited and oppressed by stupid and micromanaging boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. • Egosurfing: Scanning WEB for one's own name. • "Fear and bloating": Substituting real-world IT problems with brain-damaging, useless assessments, unrealistic policies and procedures as well as software acquisitions. • Hamstering -- activity of IT hamsters • Hamster wheel. Never ending meetings • IT hamster - an IT person who tries to base his/her IT career on excelling in "compliance" with the corporate procedures and policies, whatever it means. Usually completely clueless. • It's a Feature: From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over. • Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards. • Link Rot: The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die. • Mouse Potato: The online generation's answer to the couch potato. • Going NATO: "No Action Talk Only" -- typical method of resolution of problems in IT • Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute. • Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. • Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play." • Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!" • Seagull Manager: A manager who interrupts works of subordinates way too often. • Siliwood: Especially silly and annoying corporate meetings with top brass. • SITCOMs: "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage" • "Schmucks unlimited": Useless IT staff • SNAFU: Confusion or chaos regarded as the normal state; an embarrassing mistake [from s(ituation) n(ormal): a(ll) f(ucked) u(p)] • Stress Puppy: A person who complains about being to overstressed. • 4-bangers : weak IT staff • Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for installing something useful on your corporate computer. v • Wombat ("Waste of Money, Brains and Time") -- Replacing solution of underlying complex architectural problems by the acquisition of yet another expensive "compliance" software tool. Can be used with company-specific prefix like "SAP Wombat" or "IBM Wombat." • "The Emperor's New Fluorescent Orange Clothes": misguided attempt to improve security • "Winnie SOX" -- an IT security specialist #### [Oct 24, 2009] Slashdot Technology Story Is Cloud Computing the Hotel California of Tech Re: Simple by trevorrowe Or even just keeping a copy of your own data on your own system. Thats why I don't call it "cloud computing", I prefer OPS (other peoples servers). Its more self-explanitory. Re: Simple by Anne Thwacks Hotmail address book (with no export functionality) Which one is that? the normal one exports all your data to hackers.ru at the click of a mouse! -- A million lemmings can't be wrong. Re: Simple by AlXtreme (223728) Alter Relationship on Monday October 05, @01:58PM (#29647275) Homepage Journal And I was thinking along the lines of "This could be heaven, or this could be hell". Cloud computing is eerily like the music industry, more news at 11! -- This sig is intentionally left blank Re: Yes by Anonymous Coward While all of this is true I think you took the reference a little far. They most likely just meant a small bit of the song. "You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave." ›Re:Yes (Score:2) by ChefInnocent I figured they were talking about "Warm smell of colitas" to mean that Could computing stinks like *ss. Re: Yes by rockNme2349 No kidding. Now that I know he was singing about Cloud computing it's a total downer. -- Sewage Treatment Facilities - "Our duty is clear." #### [Sep 26, 2009] We are in a Toilet-Shaped Recovery by David Roche ###### Sep 23, 2009 | CNBC.com Analysts have described the U.S. economic recovery in many shapes and sizes, be it L-shaped, W-shaped, or even shaped like the Nike swoosh symbol. But David Roche, global strategist at Independent Strategy, added a new wrinkle on CNBC Wednesday. " You want to know my shape? My shape is a toilet shape," Roche said on "Squawk Box Asia." "Because I think that's where 14% of (gross domestic product) in terms of spending and central bank help will disappear." #### [Sep 24, 2009] BoE expands QE ###### FT Alphaville Robert Mugabe CEO: In banana republics it´s very common to not only pick bananas, but also print a lot of money. it´s said to be very cool. First you pick bananas, then cut down the trees, produce paper and finally print money on that paper. It´s the whole business cycle. Highly recommended! #### [Sep 21, 2009] Take This Monetary System, Please - Up and Down Wall Street Daily - R. Forsyth ##### Chinese are very smart -- they quickly learned how to cheat on economic statists from their American friends. "HOW'S YOUR WIFE?" "COMPARED TO WHAT?" Henny Youngman may be gone more than a decade, but his one-liners live on. And that old joke provides insight into what's happening with currencies. #### [Sep 18, 2009] Volcker- Make Banks Less Risky ###### The Big Picture "Grow a spine, you corrupt, chicken-shit cowards, before the country goes to Hell," we wish he was overheard to remark. #### [Sep 13, 2009] IMF Head Says Crisis Set to Continue President Obama promised change, but then there is the French quip that as much as things change they remain the same. #### [Aug 28, 2009] Nation's Unemployment Outlook Improves Drastically After Fifth Beer The Onion - America's Finest News Source ##### Hat tip to Barry Ritholtz's The Big Picture WASHINGTON-Despite ongoing economic woes and a jobless rate that has been approaching 10 percent, U.S. unemployment projections drastically improved Monday after the consumption of five beers. "It's going up," leading economist David Singleton said confidently, indicating the predicted growth in jobs with an upward wave of a Bud Light bottle. "All the way up. By the end of the month. No problem." Singleton said the economy would begin its rebound once employers realized that there were many currently unemployed skilled laborers across the country who would "bust their asses" in a number of growing fields. "Whether it's manufacturing, finance, hospitality, or manufacturing, these dudes trying to reenter the workforce right now have awesome skill sets and, most of all, they really deserve it," he said. "They're great, great guys. All of them." According to analysts, both long- and short-term forecasts showed signs of recovery between the third and fourth beer... ... Reports from those well on their way toward putting away a whole six pack suggested that unemployed Americans could look forward to increased job security and much higher salaries. In addition, many half-in-the-bag analysts said they foresee greater career satisfaction and massive quality-of-life improvements following the inevitable arrival of new employment opportunities. "Why should those who've lost work have to live paycheck to paycheck, doing some miserable wage-slave job a goddamn monkey could do?" said Donald Ellington, a completely hammered senior adviser at JPMorgan Chase. "All these layoffs, they're totally a blessing in disguise. Now these people can do the thing they've always wanted to do. Like becoming a sportswriter. Or a musician. Or a pilot, even!" ... Joblessness was not the only domestic problem that began to appear eminently solvable after the rapid downing of five beers. Also substantially improved were projections for the housing crisis, the affordability of health care, getting hot wings later, and being able to drive home just fine. Though most on their fifth beer showed unbridled optimism-and in some cases outright cockiness-in terms of the employment landscape, those who greatly exceeded that number said they saw the current job market as hopelessly bleak. Contrary to the rosy prospects he had described earlier in the evening, economist David Singleton, after imbibing nine beers and an unknown quantity of Wild Turkey, lamented that there would have to be a comprehensive shift in the nation's entire economic structure before any lasting improvement could be realized. #### [Aug 14, 2009] A letter from a programmer wife My Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this email thing, just to be sure you read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives more then ten years ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. ... ... ... #### [Feb 28, 2009] Slashdot Sun's McNealy Wants Obama to Push Open Source #### [Jan 20, 2009] Don't trust Linux zealots 1.01 by kronix on deviantART ###### September 30, 2004 | kronix.deviantart.com Windows User has entered chatroom: help Windows User: Hey, can I get some help? I keep getting an error message when I try to run Photoshop CS. Linux User: Switch to Linux. Windows User: Isn't it a bit extreme to change my operating system because of the error in Photoshop? All I want to know is how to fix the error. Linux User: Look, I'm going to give it to you straight. Microsoft are terrible when it comes to security. For your own sake, switch to Linux so you don't get infected by viruses or trojans. Windows User: But I never open any unwanted email attachments, and besides I have a virus scanner which I update daily plus a firewall. Do I really need to use Linux? Linux User: Microsoft want to take over the entire software market, and the internet. If they succeed, it will make life hell for all of us who use open-source software instead of Micro$oft's proprietary software.

Windows User: What is open-source and proprietary software?

Linux User: Open-source software is developed by many people who spread goodwill and love by contributing to the source code. Proprietary software is just an extension of fascism. Microsoft's attempts to compete against Linux can be compared to Hitler's persecution of the Jews. It's practically the same thing. In summary, open-source software is superior to proprietary software.

Windows User: Why is open-source software better for me, as a consumer?

Linux User: OPEN-SOURCE IS JUST BETTER OK? Jeez, you sound like a Microsoft employee. Get a reality check! Everybody knows open-source is the only way forward. Buy a Linux distribution such as Slackware or Gentoo from your local software store.

Windows User: Ok, you've convinced me. I'm going to the store now to buy Linux now. Thanks for the help.

Linux User:
No problem. Anything to loosen Micro$oft's grip on the world. [a few hours later] Windows User: The store didn't have Slackware or Gentoo. I ended up choosing SuSE Linux. Linux User: That's fine. Did you install Linux yet? Windows User: I'm using it right now. Ok, so how do I set it up so I can play my games on Linux with my Radeon 9200 graphics card? Also, Photoshop doesn't run at all under Linux unless I use something called WINE which makes it even more buggy than it was on Windows. Windows User: Hello? Windows User: Yo? Windows User: Are you still there? [no reply] Linux User has left chatroom: help #### [Fed 2, 2009] Sigmund Freud, Linux and The Narcissism of Minor Difference Mar 01, 2002 | Adequacy.org Linux Zealots. We all know at least one. From that fat smelly guy who lives in the server room at your workplace to your neighbor's fifteen year old son in his "Limp-Bizkit" T-shirt, Linux Zealots come in all shapes and sizes, but two things remain constant. 1) The personal hygiene problems 2) The inability to conceive of any valid viewpoint other than their own. In this article I will penetrate the very psyche of the alternative OS zealot. Distasteful as that might sound, I will be probing the inner mind of the Linux Zealot attempting to shed some light on what drives these social misfits. You may have heard about Linux - a hobbyist operating system based on the shareware principle, has been making waves in the hacker underground and in the periphery of large corporations for around five years now. Linux is a competent operating system which can even be said to compete with professionally designed OS's such as Microsoft Windows XP. Nothing remarkable there, after all the market place for other goods has many examples of competing products which are all but identical to the casual observer. What many people do not realise is that to some of its advocates, Linux is more than a simple tool to get a job done. To these extremists, Linux represents a philosophical almost religious belief system - a way of life based around "open source" and "free software". You may have encountered one of these Linux evangelists at work. They make themeselves known by constantly berating Microsoft products, and blindly praising Linux. Their belief in the power of Linux is akin to the Muslim's belief in Allah. In fact, fundamentalist Islam and hardcore Linux zealotry are two sides of the same coin. Press a Muslim as to why he or she is a Muslim, and they will suggest you read the Qu'raan. Ask a Linux apologist why Linux is better than the alternatives and the explanation you are most likely to hear is "Linux Rocks - Micro$oft Sucks"

The Linux Zealot typically displays an irrational hatred of Microsoft, a complete conviction that his choice of operating system is the only valid one, and a scathing patronising contempt of anyone "stupid" enough to use "windoze"*.

What causes this mindless OS bigotry? you may be wondering. Well, the father of modern psychoanalysis - Professor Sigmund Freud proposed an idea which he called the "narcissism of minor differences". Put simply it means that people hate other people who are very similar to them. This similarity threatens their sense of individuality, their sense of self, causing them to react in a hostile manner, which seems to become more hostile, the closer the similarity.

We can see this effect in conflicts all aroung the world. From the (white, Christian) Catholics and Protestants in war-torn Northern Ireland, to the (white, Christian) Serbs and Croats in the former Yugoslavia, to the (Monotheistic) Muslims and Jews, semite brothers in hatred.

In the same way that Arabs and Jews differ very little in genetic make-up and yet almost every single one of them hates the other with a passion, Windows and Linux have very much in common and yet their supporters fight tooth-and-nail over which one is "best".

No doubt a qualified psychologist or doctor could come up with all kinds of elaborate theories as to why the Linux Zealot behaves the way he does. One theory I have is that the Linux Zealots have small penises and belittling others for their choice of operating system is their way of 'getting back' at society and the world for their unfortnate genetic inheritance.

Another possibility is that due to the aforementioned hygiene problems the typical Linux Zealot cannot get laid, and subliminates his frustrated sexual energy into blaming Microsoft for all the evils of the world.

But I expect you have heard enough of my amateur psychology, I am interested in what you, the adequacy readers think. Why do these Linux advocates get so riled up about something so utterly insignificant as choice of OS ? Surely they cannot all be mentally ill ? (however intuitively obvious that answer might be)

*Windoze, Micro$oft, Microshaft, Winblows, etc are all terms used by Linux Zealots. If you receive an e-mail containing any of these terms, you can be sure you have a Zealot on your hands. #### [Sep 17, 2008] Asset valuation programmer seeks job (Score:5, Funny) Slashdot by tjstork (137384) <moc.erawythgim' ta' wordnabt'> on Wednesday September 17, @01:47PM (#25041957) Homepage Journal Hi! I'm a programmer for Lehman brothers and I'm looking for work. I was the designer of Assett Manager 1.0, a powerful tool that allowed our brokers to get values of our contracts....it's not a bad program, but it had a couple of bugs in it that I would like to have fixed. #### [Mar 21, 2008] Penguin Suicide Bombers/The Terrorism of Open Source ##### Brilliant satire March, 2008 The open source movement is widely recognized as "an important development" in the computer industry and has been both lauded and criticized by many pundits. However, despite exhaustive analysis and discussion, the phenomenon of open source has remained singularly vexing to classify. Variously, the open source movement has been classified as socialism, communism, a "gift economy", charity, futilism and gullibilism. It has even caused distinguished Yale professors to wave the proverbial white flag and invent remarkably catchy new phrases such as "commons-based peer production". Rolls right of the tongue. Because it is widely understood that for anything to have any real meaning or be properly studied that it must first be stripped of its outward trappings and pigeon-holed as narrowly as possible, I, The Objective Observer, have risen to the challenge and will now properly classify the open source movement. In three scintillating acts I will first describe what open source is, dispel certain myths and pejorative characterizations of it (what open source isn't) and finally analyze the open source movement's goals and tactics to properly and succinctly explain its true nature. The layman's definition of open source software is software that is non-proprietary or "free" and can be modified by anyone with the requisite programming knowledge without the constraints of overly restrictive licensing. Now, there are certainly those that will decry this definition as incomplete since there are apparently entire organizations, such as the Open Source Initiative, whose seemingly sole reason for existence is to maintain the exact definition of the term "open source". Thus, it is highly unlikely that a single sentence definition for so complex a term as to require its own dedicated organization to define it; no matter how expertly crafted, will universally satisfy everyone. However, the important thing to remember here is that open source software is different than commercial software because commercial software makers incur expenses from employing software developers, charge for their software, have restrictive licenses on its use and do not release their source code. Conversely, open source software is built by a process in which one or more individuals collaborate to create software and then release that software and its source code to the public domain. These individuals are not paid to create the software and they may never make a dime from it. As altruistic and benevolent as this all sounds, open source is not without its detractors; who have variously categorized open source as "socialism" or even "communism". Most notably, SAP; a large European software manufacturer has criticized open source as "intellectual property socialism" and Bill Gates has even hinted that the open source movement is communism. For some perspective, remember that Bill Gates has been feuding with the "free" software movement for over three decades. These characterizations are used pejoratively and are highly inaccurate, proving yet again the age old adage that technologists know much more about bits and bytes than they do about socio-economic systems. Socialism and communism are both economic and political ideologies typically characterized by State control of property, distribution of wealth and/or means of production. Open source has no "State" or governing body and thus it is perhaps more correctly characterized as Anarchism or Fascist socialization, which is not really as bad as it sounds; look it up. However, the problem with all of these characterizations is the same; they make certain incorrect assumptions and thus fail to capture the core essence of the movement. All of these characterizations attempt to fit the open source movement into the presupposed category of a political ideology or socio-economic system. But this is most definitely NOT what the open source movement is all about because it completely and utterly misses the mark with respect to the origin of the open source movement, its goals and its tactics. Under this ridiculously broad characterization, two neighbors who borrow sugar from one another in order to make cookies for a volunteer church function could be categorized as socialists or communists. Another myth that must be dispelled is the analogy of a charity or non-profit organization. While there is most definitely an element of volunteerism present within the open source movement, again, there is no clear organization that masterminds or directs giving. In addition, most true volunteer efforts offer direct assistance to specific groups of individuals. For example, after a flood, the Red Cross might show up on your doorstep and give you a bucket and mop or if you are house-bound "Meals on Wheels" might show up on your doorstep with some vittles. With open source, there is no central organization and there is no direct beneficiary to benefactor relationship. Open source projects are simply posted online and it is up to potential beneficiaries to find them. This is akin to the Red Cross keeping a warehouse of mops and buckets and expecting flood victims to come get them or "Meals on Wheels" cooking mass amounts of food and hoping people show up to eat it. • This volunteer aspect of the open source movement is frequently reinforced by such things as the "Bee Keeper" model. In this model of open source development, alternatively known as the "Profiteering and Exploitation" model or "Rape and Pillage" model, open source development volunteers are the bees and a professional services organization, such as Red Hat, are the "bee keepers". Thus the bees volunteer their time and the professional services organizations profit from their labors. While this seems to be an accurate analogy, businesses may wish to keep in mind the phenomenon of "colony collapse disorder" and the bees may wish to keep in mind that the worker bees literally work themselves to death for the sole glory of the "queen bee". • This brings us to the second biggest issue with the characterization of open source as purely volunteerism which is that it completely misses the strong narcissistic drive present within the open source movement. Many open source or free software products are named after their lead developers or else the lead developer's name is strongly associated with the product and used as a means to gain notoriety. Linus Torvolds and Linux is perhaps the best example of the former while examples of the latter are too numerous to mention, being characterized by individuals such as Bruce Perens who regularly brags about the notoriety he has gained from his work on open source projects. That, despite the fact you have almost certainly never heard of him and he will likely never sleep with a super-model. The biggest issue with characterizing open source as purely volunteerism, however, is the same problem as classifying it as a socio-economic system or political ideology which is that such a classification focuses on only a single aspect of the open source movement. Any characterization which focuses on a single trait instead of all traits is undoubtedly flawed. Having debunked the typical characterizations of the open source movement, the question remains as to exactly what IS the open source movement? To answer this, the only objective thing to do is to first make a list of the open source movement's defining characteristics and then draw some sort of analogy or conclusion. Research shows that there are five primary characteristics or traits of the open source movement. • First and foremost, the open source movement is to some degree a rejection and opposition to the direct capitalization of software but is perhaps more specifically and correctly defined as the rejection and opposition to what is perceived to be a "unipolar, capitalistic superpower", in this case Microsoft. This appears to be a widely accepted attitude within the open source community as there are endless quotes spanning a large number of open source projects to the effect of "the enemy is Microsoft". • Second, the open source movement is organized as a loose confederation in which a relatively small percentage of highly skilled and charismatic leaders exert influence over legions of faceless, and often fanatical, volunteers. Individuals such as Linus Torvalds and Eric Raymond are the leaders who admittedly serve as "benevolent dictators" and nearly everyone else is, well, a faceless minion. • Third, the open source movement by and large uses crude propaganda and hate-filled rhetoric to defame and demonize its opposition. For example, this third point can be easily demonstrated by the coarse language used by Linux proponents when debating or characterizing peers that utilize Windows-based technologies. More often than not, Linux proponents and other open source advocates go out of their way to characterize their opponents as "stupid", "ignorant", "retarded", "evil" or much, much worse. If you don't believe me, go browse any forum frequented by Linux or open source proponents. In addition to the name calling and hate speech there is even advocacy of sending Windows users to concentration camps or purposefully spamming their email with viruses. • Fourth, a favorite tactic of the open source movement is the use of fear as a weapon. Again, this can most readily be seen by Linux, Apache and Firefox proponents that tout the perceived security of their systems while attempting to instill fear, uncertainty and doubt in those that use Microsoft technologies by claiming that Microsoft systems are inherently insecure or inferior in terms of security. • Fifth, the open source movement often skirts the boundaries of the law with its open disregard and disdain for intellectual property rights (patents), association with criminal hacking elements (whose primary motivator is also often an attempt to damage or humiliate Microsoft), open advocacy of harm to Windows users (outright support or at least turning a blind eye towards Windows virus creators) and even outright theft, such as Bruce Peren's self-admitted "stealing time from Pixar to work on Linux". As a side note it might be interesting to conduct a study regarding the cost in unproductive time to corporations who employ developers that also work on open source projects. Given these five characteristics, there is one and only one inescapable conclusion. The open source movement most closely resembles a terrorist organization. Now, I do not say this to be pejorative or otherwise mean-spirited to the open source movement but the similarities are rather striking. To point… • The main motivation and rally cry for terrorists, especially Islamic fundamentalist terrorists, is the destruction of the United States, which, as the world's sole super-power, is perceived to be the "Great Satan". The parallels between this and the open source movement's attitudes towards Microsoft are inescapable. • The organizational structure of terrorists into cells and the open source movement into projects, the loose confederacy between these cells and projects and the tendency to form "splinter cells" or "forks" is also quite strong. In addition, within both groups, the followers tend to exhibit a particular penchant for fanaticism to the cause. • Both terrorism and the open source movement use propaganda and defamatory rhetoric to demonize the opposition. The level to which this occurs within the open source community is simply unforgiveable. • Perhaps the most telling characteristic is the use of fear as the primary weapon of choice. This fact is inescapable and irrefutable as the "security" argument is a mainstay in the propaganda of major open source projects such as Linux and Firefox. The main goal or aim of terrorists to defeat their adversaries is to cultivate fear within their enemies. Similarly, the use of the security argument is a weapon of fear and is apparently the primary method by which open source advocates hope to defeat Microsoft. • The criminal, or at the very least questionable, tactics and guilt by association is yet another trait that the open source movement shares with terrorism. While terrorists' criminal activities are obviously much more violent and physically destructive, the point remains that the activities and tactics of both groups tend to skirt, or at the very least, flaunt the law. I am not aware of any other entity, group or idea that matches these five primary characteristics of the open source movement as exactly as terrorist organizations. Even more telling, one final similarity that deserves mentioning is the complete disregard both groups have for "non-combatants". In the terrorist world, innocent bystanders and civilians are fair game and considered acceptable collateral damage. So too are non-technical folks in the open source realm of thinking. The open source movement seeks to destroy Microsoft even though open source technologies are not as easy to use or intuitive for non-technical users. If the open source movement was to succeed, those non-technical users would be brushed aside simply as collateral damage. I want to stress here that I am not a Microsoft apologist and bear the open source community no ill will, but facts are facts. Besides, it has been stated that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter so I am not here to judge but rather to simply provide an objective analysis. My sole purpose is to point out for academics and scholars that attempting to study the open source movement by latching onto a single trait or characteristic is a flawed endeavor. No scientific knowledge can be gained from incorrectly classifying and studying the open source movement in terms of socio-economic theory or as a charity organization. True progress can only be made by instead recognizing the open source movement for what it truly is, a form of terrorism. #### [Jan 24, 2008] -dev-toe Satire engineering, sales, and open source a group of open source zealots: Hey, here's some free water to quench that thirst of yours. This water is really good, as good as that commercial spring water, maybe better. The nifty thing about this water is that no one can claim its theirs. You see we all contributed to the production of this water and any water that mixes with our water is required to be free just like the water that is there now. The Water License Agreement we've all implicitly signed by contributing to this source of water allows anyone to drink the water, to give the water away, or to do anything else you'd like with the water with a few minor exceptions. You can't charge for the water, remember its free and when you contribute to it or use it you're part of our Water License Agreement. You can charge for the water bottle, but you don't have too and we encourage you to just give that away too. You can charge for the cost of getting the bottle to its destination, but again that's up to you and we discourage such behavior. If you change the water, say by adding sugar and lemon juice, that's fine too. But remember that when you give someone that lemonade you're required to pipe up and say, "Well, I squeezed a single lemon and added two teaspoons of sugar into some free water I received as part of a free Water License Agreement I joined." That lemonaid will have to be free too because you've used the free water we gave you under the Water License Agreement. You're also required to make the lemonaid recipe available to anyone. Make sure not to infringe on any patents related to your new recipe or trademarks related to the name (you might have to call it Gemonade for instance rather than Lemonade), etc. If you had patented the concept of lemons and sugar in water to create Gemonade, then that patent would no longer be in effect (another side effect of the Water License Agreement), so don't bother with patents. In fact we frown on the whole patent system as a general rule. Here's something else nifty about this water. Lets say you give it to a Vodka company and they make a Lemonade/Vodka combination drink. Bingo, that Vodka drink, and its formulation are then governed by the same rules as the water and so the Vodka is free. Isn't that cool? #### [Jan 24, 2008] Are you a Slasher, Basher, Butcher or Pusher The Linux community and indeed the Open Source community in general is comprised of many different types of people. Their way of life, philosophy, age and location all vary widely with as many variations as the human face. However like the human face it can be categorized in a broad manner and stuffed into rather large boxes. This is my attempt at categorizing the face of Linux into four general areas. The Slasher, Basher, Butcher and Pusher. These are by no means definitive and any one person can fit into multiple or even all of these arbitrary titles. So take a deep breath, a pinch of salt and delve into the twisted psych of Locutus's mind. Don't forget it is all a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, then it doesn't matter. The Slasher. These individuals love to live on the cutting edge of Linux. They must have the latest release of any program and will go to great lengths and spend a lot of time to make sure they get what they want. For some sad cases the program release is not enough and they have to go and pull the code out of the programmers repository as quick as it is posted. For these people there are various degrees of Slasherisim. There are those that are content with predigested packages that other more fanatical Slashers have prepared and if that is not enough they get down and dirty with the compiler and have been known to sit for hours watching incomprehensible lines scroll in front of their wildly staring and usually highly caffienated eyes. Of course as they live on the bleeding edge they are often cut and their systems are broken as much as they are fixed. The Basher. People like these have a real control issue. They like to, no must know, every nuance of their chosen operating system. They are in the command line more often than not and are affectionately known as command line warriors. In any of these system you will find multiple, sometimes quite elaborate, unique scripts that they have painstakingly and lovingly hand crafted so they can perform many magical tricks with their system that astound the un-initiated. If you ever want any question about any aspect of Linux answered in great detail then these people are the ones to ask. There is just one warning when dealing with these people. Make sure that any question you ask must be well informed and you have at least tried to solve your problem yourself. Otherwise be prepared for a flaming rebuttal that will burst your ego faster than a soap bubble in the dry desert heat. The Butcher. One thing that Basher's really dislike, and are most likely to shout RTFM!! with the utmost venom to, is the Butcher. These are the ones who think they know everything about anything and aspire to be either a Slasher or a Basher. Infact the Butcher does have elements of both, but neither the experience or patience to make the full grade. The best thing about these people is their unbridled curiosity but as the saying goes it is also what brings them down. They will throw just about anything on their system with no regard to distribution, package management or dependencies. They will go willy nilly into configuration files that they have only the vaguest notion about and blithely change many settings at once. Then when thing go horribly wrong as they are bound to, the Butchers are the most vocal about how this distribution or even Linux in general is an abomination to the world. The Pusher. No these people are not what you think. They neither push illicit substances, although they have been known to use them, nor are they the evangelistic preachers that spread the Good Word of Linux around to everyone who listens. The Pusher is perhaps the most common type of personality there is. They come in all age groups from the single digits to octogenarians. They are also in all walks of life from the lowest to the highest. They are perhaps the most important demographic you could possibly find, as a personality type, for the improvement of Linux. Their biggest virtue, although the developers would not think so, is complaining. This is because they have no real knowledge of computers in any way shape or form. All they can do, and at times just barely, is move the mouse around and hunt'n'peck at the keyboard in accordance to the instructions they are given, thus the category Pusher. If anything out of the ordinary happens they stop quicker than a trainwreck and make as much noise as one until their problem is fixed. They don't know what the problem is or what caused it but they want it fixed and fixed now. It is these people who are more responsible for the stability of Linux than anyone else for the developers know that these fickle people will leave something that breaks for something that "Just Works" quicker than you can say "It's Howdy Doody time!". I am sure that there are many other categories and even sub categories that are out there but for now I have just painted broad brush strokes over the Linux fabric. So are you a Slasher, Basher, Butcher, Pusher or a combination of them all? Don't be afraid to tell, and remember, we need all of you in the Linux community. #### [Jan 1, 2008] 2008 will be the year of Linux desktop. FWIW, 2008 was the year when I first put Linux on my desktop. After a horrific experience with Vista, I installed Ubuntu and it's been smooth sailing so far. It did not last long and for unrelated reasons I reinstalled Windows XP but this is beyond the point. Linux, especially Ubuntu, is definitely the way to go. Everybody should install Linux in 2008. Linux is free and Vista is horrible, horrible, horrible. They are saying that they sold more copes of Vista during the first year then they sold the copies of Windows XP. Whom they try to deceive, those Microsoft bastards ? Not me, as I know the truth. They do not counted people who dumped Vista and installed linux the first day they got a computer or a day before that like I did. Vista sucks. It blows. It should not be your desktop. No wonder Bill Gates is retiring. He feels that Microsoft will go under and decided to jump the ship. Linux rulez. Everybody should be on Linux now. Compare this horrible ugly Vista with the beauty of Linux and you will understand my point. Even colors on Linux are better. And you know, I am convinced that Open Office beats Microsoft Office. I did not try it as I am writing this from a Windows XP PC but I am pretty convinced it is a better software. And it is free. My daughter, who is not a techie, prefers Linux over all OSes. She never saw Linux on the computer yet but she gave me a lecture about how Linux is "safer from viruses and DRM". I wonder who she's been talking to. My Grandparents also became Linux fans recently. They do not have a computer yet but they appreciate the beauty of Linux. Linux time on desktop finally has come, no doubt about it. #### [Jan 1, 2008] A letter to a husband with a computer addiction My Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this blog thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Your Wife #### [Jan 1, 2008] If Dr. Seuss was a technical writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the buffer overflow makes the driver to abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! #### [Dec 2, 2007] Eleanor Rigby - Hacker Style ##### Slightly modified. Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a loading screen Lives in a dream Waits for a Web page Finding some info That will help the machine to do more. What is it for? All the waiting users, where do they all come from? All the waiting users, why does it take so long? Ah, look at all the waiting users... Ah, look at all the waiting users... Our sysadmins tear out their hair and they swear that they really care but cannot help us look at us waiting starring at the screen 'til our eyes start to go what does it show? All the waiting users, where do they all come from? All the waiting users, why does it take so long? #### [Nov 2, 2007] Performance tuning for Linux servers. (Score:3, Funny) by grub (11606) <slashdot@grub.net> on Tuesday August 09, @04:29PM (#13281624) (http://www.grub.net/blog/index.html | Last Journal: Monday February 26, @11:37PM) a) Install FreeBSD. b) Reboot. #### [Nov 2, 2007] We don't need no stinking disaster recovery plan The network is totally unusable. System administrators are frantically running back and forth from the server room, in a total panic. The web site is down, as well as corporate email, due to a power outage at the office server room where they are hosted. The IT director walks out into the area where the network and system administrators work and announces that it is time for plan B. Everyone stops running back and forth, stops yelling into phones and at each other, and looks at the director. "Plan B?", the network manager asks. "We have no plan B, you laid off the person in charge of disaster and contingency planning six months ago!" The director pauses for a moment, brow furrowed, before replying, "Well he seems to have a replacement that replied when I sent email to the old guy's email address. The new guy was very responsive the first time I sent email, but after that he just seemed to ignore me." The network manager asked the name of the replacement. "Vacation something," replied the director, "Oh, yes I have it - Vacation Program." #### [Oct 11, 2007] Apparently the "Many Eyes" Need Glasses ##### A nice Microsoft manager Pat Edmonds joke about 'Many Eyes Makes Bugs Shallow' mantra of open source development. While the context was slightly misplaced as Microsoft really "owns" virus problem, one "open source guy" was so insulted that wrote a blog entry defending this illusion :-). In reality Microsoft's assumption is quite flattering as the hypothesis that many eyes are looking at the code is a stretch ;-). You need to pay well those eyes, otherwise there are too many more interesting objects that tend to distract them. #### [Jun 25, 2007] The Office Lexicon ##### Selected items, slightly revised • 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. • acluistic (prononced 'a-cluistic') Clueless and extraordinarily clue-resistant • Adminisphere The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. • Assmosis The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. • Beating Interchangable with 'meeting' in many circumstances. • Blamestorming Meeting of a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed. • BOHICA Bend Over, Here It Comes Again. Same as "Dilbertized." (see below) • Career Canary A person where you work who is slightly less competent than you are. When this person gets rifted, it's time to leave. (From the canaries kept in coal mines to detect gas--when the canary dies, it's time to go.) • Career-Limiting Move (CLM) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while s/he is within earshot is a typical CLM. • Carter's Trap If you display an ability to work well with difficult co-workers, you will continually be assigned to work with difficult co-workers. Corrolary: If you execute an unpleasant or distasteful assignment well, you will be given more unpleasant or distasteful assignments. • Chainsaw An newly hired boss brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands. • CUW (Cleans Up Well) A technical employee (usually a software developer) who can be brought to a product demonstration or customer meeting without embarrassing the company. • Code Rot Operating system or software that suddenly crash. • Crowd Gravity The principle that a group gathered in a hallway or outside a cubicle grows in size by sucking in people who pass by. Also called 'flypaper meeting.' • Cube Farm An office area filled with cubicles. • Cube farmer Inhabitants of a cube-farm • DASH-D Die A Screaming Horrible Death. • Decision Mendoza Line The level in the hierarchy above which • You get credit for good decisions made by anyone below you, • You avoid blame for bad decisions you make, shunting it to people below you. Corrolary: if you're below the line, credit for all your good decisions goes to your boss, while blame for bad decisions made by everyone above you goes to you. • Deja Moo The feeling that you've heard this bull before. • Dilbertized To get screwed over by your boss. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." • Ego Surfing Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name. • Face Time Any significant social contact with a superior. • Fauxne Pas (pronounced "fone pa") Speaking freely because you think the speakerphone is muted... but it isn't. • Generica Those features of the American landscape (strip malls, motel/restaurant chains, prefab housing) that are exactly the same no matter what part of the country you're in. • Goat jump When someone terribly incompetent gets promoted • Group Hug Any meeting convened by management designed to improve morale • Grandboss Your boss's boss. • Human Compiler A peer reviewer who only checks only syntax, grammar, spelling, and punctuation • 'I Love Me' Wall A cube wall with the occupant's diploma(e), awards, certifications, etc., prominently displayed. • Interrupt-Driven A boss who hands out assignments and never follows up on them. • Key Macarena Sequentially patting all your pockets in search of your keys or important thing. • Kobiashi An impossible assignment that will guarantee your being blamed when you fail (from Star Trek's 'Kobiashi Maru,' an unwinnable training scenario). • Kobaiashi chicken A cube-farm dweller with a Kobiashi assignment. • Matador Someone highly skilled at dodging A) assignments in general, or B) blame for failed ones. Ole! • Microserf Engineer, programmer or system administrator at the age of outsourcing • Midnight Requisition Stealing good furniture and office supplies from someone's office after s/he leaves the company. • Ohnosecond That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. • 401K slave When you want to quit but can't because of 401K. • Peacock Anyone for whom the Peacock Principle applies. • Peacock Principle Your value to the company is inversely proportional to the number of awards you display in your office • Prairie Dogging When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. • Rifted To be laid off. From RIF, 'Reduction In Force'. • Salmon day The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. • Schedule Chicken Betting that some other person or group will admit they can't make schedule so you can get the extra time you need without catching any flak for it. • Seagull Manager A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves. • Selective Obedience Interpreting contradictory or ambiguous orders of a bad boss to your maximum advantage (or minimum work). • SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. • Slacker Window The gray area between screwing up an unpleasant assignment badly enough that you won't be given similar ones in the future and screwing it up badly enough that you get fired. • Startup marriage A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. • Stealth bug When someone else's code is broken so badly that it obscures the fact that yours is broken as well. • Stress puppy Someone who job is connected with a lot of everyday workplace stress. • USBA Ultra Slick Bullsh*t Artist. • Vacationers People who take frequent business trips just to get a vacation from their jobs. • WAG Wild-*ssed Guess #### [Dec 22, 2006] fullduplex.org " How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It If you're like me (God help you if you are), you're lazy. Here's a few tips I've learned in my short time on this earth that have kept me from getting too much accomplished. Update: As a little update, I've done another article of Even More Ways to do Less at work and still get away with it. Check it out! 1. Look Busy: Having papers spead all over your desk helps, as do pencils which are whittled down to the eraser. If you have to walk somewhere, keep your head down, and walk quickly (this also works if you're trying to avoid being called over to do work. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!). Carrying clipboard with you while moving around also helps. 2. Look Stressed: If you look completely stressed out, co-workers and your boss will be more likely to leave you alone, since you must have other pressing matters on your mind. To look stressed leave your eyes unfocused, move from place to place quickly while quietly talking to yourself, and if someone asks you a question, stare off into the distance for a moment, give a big sigh, and answer them with an irritated tone. 3. Speak Quickly: If they can't figure out what you said, they'll assume you don't have the time to explain it. 4. Hide: Find a good hiding place. A couple good examples are under a desk, in the air vents, or a janitor's closet. 5. Break a Limb: Obviously this method only works when you work at a job that requires physical labour or typing. How you break the limb is up to you, though I recommend something spectacular (ie. snowboarding on the Alps). 6. Make Excuses: There's nothing like having a good list of excuses on hand (Memorized, that is. A list on paper is suspicious). Ones like "I would stay late, but I have to babysit my mother's aunt's friend's sister's goldfish," may work. Of course, ymmv. 7. Never Leave Your Office/Room: If you don't leave your office, you are less likely to be bothered. Remember: out of sight, out of mind. Of course, you will need to ensure that you have an ample supply of rations so that you can survive until it's time to head home. Bathroom breaks, I'm still working on. 8. What they can't see… Rearrange your office so that your computer monitor faces away from any windows or doors that your boss may be able to see through. This will ensure that you have ample time to hit the "Boss Key" in any game you're playing, or open a Word document to hide the porn you're surfing, should your boss happen to wander into your dungeon..er..office. 9. Fool their eyes: If you can't rearrange your office, perhaps employ a service like WorkFRIENDLY which acts as a proxy to mask any website that you visit. You can mask the sites to look like a Word Document and at a quick glance, they look like any other document. If the boss gets too close, click the "Boss Key" and WordFriendly will hide the website with pseudo-word document. 10. Choose a profession people don't understand: I'm a web developer. Most people don't REALLY understand what you need to do to be a web developer, so I might be doing a blog post, but they're thinking I'm working. Golden! #### [Aug 2, 2006] MC MCSE Corporate Speak Dictionary for programmers. Even if you are in a technical position, you may still find yourself dealing with sales people and other corporate types. You may also discover that they speak a different language and use an arsenal of corny phrases that might just give you the hives. This article is a glossary of our 35 favorite terms and phrases. • Acquisition Demonstration of the corporate food chain, whereby larger eats smaller and then excretes all non-essential nutrients. Action Item Something which needs to be either done or at least placed in a list of things in need of doing. This is probably the most annoying corporate term that there is. Challenge A big problem that nobody in the company knows how to fix. A challenge may very well lead to the demise of said company. If your company spends more time talking about challenges than home runs, it may be time to look for a new job. Corporate The group of people in a company that make the important decisions and all of the money. You are most likely not a member of this group. Corporate Vision The list of things that a company would like to provide and accomplish. Most are more like hallucinations than visions. Deliverables Features of a product that should have been included in the original release, however, due to market pressure the product had to be released without these features. These may be sent to customers if/when they are available. Disconnect This is a misunderstanding. For example, your sales staff is probably selling a product that was discontinued in the '70s. This would be a disconnect between sales and marketing. Diversity awareness/training The classes that are taken when a racial discrimination or sexual harassment complaint has been filed against a company in order to limit legal liability. Download If you request information from me, I will give you the download. This term is usually used by sales staff in hi-tech companies that want to seem cool in front of the computer geeks. Fast Track Usually referring to a person that has moved up the corporate ladder faster than they could prove their worth or be held accountable for the mess they made. Growth industry A bandwagon. All aboard? Hit a Home Run This can either mean that things went according to planned for once or that the sales team has actually been coming into work and selling stuff. Incent This means to motivate someone to do something by promising something (usually a company mug or pen) if they do. They become a perfectly predictable robot, subject to the whims and offerings of the clever, incentive-offering manager. Integrated solution A utopian term meaning that all of the different parts of a solution (product or series of products) work together. While the term is used frequently, there is no such thing in the real world. Key Enabler The person that will get all of the credit on a project. Leverage A fancy version of the word "use." For example, instead of saying "We could use your product knowledge to help us make a sale", the corporate type would say, "We could leverage your product knowledge to help us make a sale". The use of this word is one of many examples of people trying to sound important in the office. Major Account As a technical type, these are the accounts that you will drop everything for and brown-nose at the request of sales and management. Metric A measurement of success or value. These measurable parameters are used by companies to make important decisions regardless as to whether or not they are measuring what they should be or their collection model is sound. Next steps Next steps are where you go from here and can refer to a project or a process. It is difficult to ever complete these steps due to the number of meetings scheduled to determine what the next steps are. Objections The reasons why a customer does not want to buy from your sales people. The most common objection is the overuse of the terms on this page which tends to confuse the customer. The antidote is plain English. Off-line This means to discuss something in a place or at a time other than the one you currently find yourself in. This may be used by managers to convey that they do not wish to talk about the subject, they do not find it important or you are wasting everyone else's time in a meeting. Out of the Loop This phrase means that one has not been informed about a subject. It is used to deny responsibility or to complain about not having been consulted. Outside the Box Creativity. Those that do think outside the box are generally considered rabble-rousers and trouble-makers. While verbally encouraged, your reward for thinking outside the box may be a pink slip party. Outsourcing The process of laying off internal employees in favor of a staff of high-school drop-outs run by another company for half the price. Overhead The cost of keeping the lights on and the doors open. Own To take responsibility for something. Someone who "owns" something can never claim that they are "out of the loop." Pre-Meeting A meeting before another meeting in which the company slackers will get together and figure out what to say or present at the next meeting so that they do not make fools of themselves. Resource An employee. Resources are managed by a group which calls itself "Human Resources." Like hardware, resources have fixed lifespans, can become obsolete and can even malfunction. Restructuring Poor choices have been made and the company needs to start from scratch. Will include massive layoffs and double the workload for those that remain. Upper management will all receive raises. Talk Track A sales pitch committed to memory by sales staff. Designed to prevent foot-in-mouth syndrome and to discourage creativity. Team This term refers to a group of people that work together. The team is strongest when composed of "Yes" men and women. Up-Selling The process of convincing a customer to purchase products and services that they do not want or need. Value-added Tacking on extra features (for free) to an existing product so that customers have difficulty comparing prices with competitors. War Story A story told by a salesperson that describes a difficult sale that they made. It usually starts off something like, "So I was in the Bahamas..." win/win A fascinating business concept that somehow eliminates the "loser" in any deal or project. A win/win situation is when a customer pays their bills on time and doesn't ever complain. #### [Jun 9, 2006] Bernanke: Productivity aided by technology - Stocks & Economy - MSNBC.com America's strong productivity has been bolstered by mass transfer of programmers to Wal-Mart cashiers, restaurant waiters and McDonalds hamburger flippers which demonstrate not only the greater use of computers and other technologies in retail but also the economy's flexibility, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben "Helicopter" Bernanke said Friday. Those were some of the explanations the Fed chief offered to explain why productivity since 1995 has been growing at a significantly faster rate than it had in the previous two decades, when efficiency gains had been relatively sluggish. "The current productivity revival still has some legs, as the full economic benefits of mass moving of programming jobs oversees and staffing Wal-Mart and McDonalds with former programmers have not yet been completely realized," Bernanke said. "You get excellent, extremely productive cashiers from former programmers. This productivity revival augurs well for the future of the U.S. economy. But job is not finished yet. Costs are rising everywhere for American corporations, from energy to employee health insurance premiums. Yet in their drive to cut expenses, most notably by moving IT centers, helpdesk and program development to other countries, corporations are overlooking the escalating cost of the executive suite. It's time to apply market logic to this disturbing trend and begin outsourcing chief executives. This measure would unlock tremendous value for shareholders." #### [Apr 1, 2006] SOX-related slang • #### [Apr 1, 2006] [Microsoft Press Release] Bill Gates to help open source developers. For an undisclosed sum Microsoft bought Open Source Office and Mozilla, two leading open-source desktop projects. In personal note to open source developers involved in the projects Bill Gates noted that he "was sick and tired' of seeing very decent programmers earning nothing for the code they produce and many having health problems while Mozilla foundation officials and Sun executives are flush with money". Microsoft will established a flat salary of$50K per year for key developers and will provide discounted health insurance for those who are located in the USA.

The projects will form a part of a growing list of Microsoft acquisitions in open source area and will operated as independent subsidiaries of Microsoft Research. In his interview to London Telegraph Bill Gates stresses that his goal is to help talented programmers to survive all over the globe and get the remuneration they and their families definitly deserve.

" I think that personal charity of Richard Stallman is bad enough and cases of inhuman exploitation of free labor and human talent should be stopped," Bill Gates said. "If Stallman really wants to be fair he should abolish this money laundering scheme and go work to McDonalds, that's his personal choice." He also noted that the initial meaning of the word "talent" was a currency unit somewhere in Mesopotamia and that the fact that such a name was used as a synonym for high human intelligence is not without the reason.

#### [Apr 1, 2006] free-bees.co.uk - Why I Love Internet Explorer

"Different people love Internet Explorer for different reasons. Some like the fact that it allows you to install all sorts of fascinating software. Some like its stability. Some like the innovative interface. In fact, these are brilliant reasons to love what is surely one of the most inspired computing triumphs of the past twenty years.

"The sheer range of programs I now have installed is incredible. All I need to do is type some random phrases into Google, choose some appropriate sites, and within minutes I'll have some of the most varied pieces of code around. Now, that's simply unbeatable--it's free, and I only have to visit a single site to get programs installed automatically--the process is so smooth, you don't even notice..."

Another great part of Internet Explorer is the way in which you're never quite sure what is going to happen next. Always be prepared with Internet Explorer! Who knows what exciting, thrilling action it could take next?

• #### [Feb 2, 2006]Slashdot Sun Considers dual-sourcing Solaris Under GPL3

a race to hypocrisy (Score:5, Funny)

by geoffspear (692508) <geoffspear@NosPaM.gmail.com> on Monday January 30, @09:01AM (#14597837)
(http://www.geoffreyspear.com/blog/)
Which will happen first:

- Linux zealots abandon their "everything about Solaris sucks and I'll never use it" dogma, or
- Mac zealots abandon their "Intel processors suck and I'll never use one" dogma?

The Mac people are taking an early lead, but anything can happen.

#### [Jan 16, 2006] Family split because of disagreements over Linux distributions:

In a surprise New Year eve announcement my Mother stated that she intends to divorce my father because of irreconcilable differences in views of proper family Linux distribution and introduce her own distribution of Linux, which will be derived from the Debian distribution and called, "Mom's Linux". When pressed for details on how this new distribution will differentiate itself, she replied, "This distribution addresses single women needs and will be filled with a mother's love."

My father, who is now working on a competing distribution derived from Fedora tentatively called LinuXXX, that is by-and-large oriented on divorced middle aged men, could not be reached for comment.

#### N.S.A. Gathers Data on Social Connections of U.S. Citizens - NYTimes.com

KV, Tallahassee, FL
NYT Pick

Lose a photo? Hard drive crash? No problem. The NSA is our one stop backup. I guess its only fair if they are gathering all this information on us, they should provide backup services for free to all citizens.

#### Re:Agreed (Score:4, Interesting)

by c0lo (1497653) writes: on Tuesday March 12, @03:57PM (#43152181)

the U.S. WILL go in and do what is in their best interest.

I don't know why I have a feeling that US'es best interest is to fix their security flaws. Otherwise... what, will you do the same when e.g. Belarus (as a country) or a group of Russian hackers (acting "in private name") decides they'd like to test US tubez?

Or is one of your kinky pleasures to pay taxes that will end into the bank accounts of the "defense industry"?

• #### Re:Agreed (Score:5, Funny)

by lennier (44736) writes: on Tuesday March 12, @04:43PM (#43152669) Homepage

I don't know why I have a feeling that US'es best interest is to fix their security flaws.

Fix... the flaws? But... that would be like... shipping products which were warranted to be of merchantable fitness! It would require mandatory code regression analysis and testing which might cost money and would certainly create jobs! You're asking the software industry to submit to invasive scrutiny from the same kind of Government jackboots that the food, banking and building industries now tremble under daily! And that's socialism.

The only thing that can stop a black hat with a rootkit is a white hat with a rootkit! If you outlaw shoddy, worthless software containing a million zero-day exploits, only outlaws will be exploited! You'll take my imperative thread-based unsafe self-modifying code from my cold dead FATAL EXCEPTION AT 00FE:4358 SYSTEM HALTED!

In conclusion, I support Mom, apple pie, and an American software developer's inalienable right to immediately patent and ship whatever string of line noise can be coerced to come out the other end of a rusty, sawn-off C++ compiler, and my esteemed opponent does not.

I know I can trust you all to vote with your hearts.

#### [Oct 16, 2012 ] Forget the Turing Test

###### Rough Type

Forget the Turing Test. We'll know that computers are really smart when computers start getting bored. If you assign a computer a profoundly tedious task like spotting house numbers in video images, and then you come back a couple of hours later and find that the computer is checking its Facebook feed or surfing porn, then you'll know that artificial intelligence has truly arrived.

#### By Barry Ritholtz - December 14th, 2009, 5:30PM I found this to be hysterical:

"Do you blog? If not, get in touch with Kris and Christopher from our online department, although at this point I think only Christopher is left. I'll be out of the office from tomorrow until Monday, but when I get back I'll ask him if he spoke to you. We use CopyBuoy via Hoster Broaster, because it streams really easily into a Plaxo/LinkedIn yak-fest meld. When you register, click "Endless," and under "Contacts" just list everyone you've ever met. It would be great if you could post at least six hundred words every day until further notice.

If you already have a blog, make sure you spray-feed your URL in niblets open-face to the skein. We like Reddit bites (they're better than Delicious), because they max out the wiki snarls of RSS feeds, which means less jamming at the Google scaffold. Then just Digg your uploads in a viral spiral to your social networks via an FB/MS interlink torrent. You may have gotten the blast e-mail from Jason Zepp, your acquiring editor, saying that people who do this sort of thing will go to Hell, but just ignore it.

The vi-spi is cross-platform, but don't worry if you think you're not on Facebook, because you actually are. Jason enrolled you when you signed the contract last year, or at least he was supposed to, and he told Sarah Williams he did before he had to retire and Sarah left for nursing school. You currently have 421 Friends, 17 Pending Requests, 8 Pokes, 5 Winks, and 3 Proposals of "Marriage."

Too funny . . .

#### IT Commandment Leave the ideology to someone else Rational rants ZDNet.com

About two o'clock in the morning, I heard Bukowski's publisher talking about the New Formalists, a group of poets that wanted to take poetry back to the strict forms, such as sonnets and metered verse, alledgedly because they were offended by the likes of Bukowski's rude honesty in free verse.

... ... ...

"As the spirit wanes, the form appears," Bukowski had written...

Our IT Commandments:

#### Ten things a Linux Fanboy will not tell you…

Yes, everyone has a friend who is a Linux Fanboy; he keep saying as a slogans dispenser:

"Linux is good, Linux is stable, Linux is cool", but there is a dark side…

If you will install Linux:

07) You will stay 10 hours a day on the web writing phrases like: "Microsoft is the Devil", "Linux is free as in beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer"

[...]

04) You will try 10^10 Linux distributions and in the meantime you will use Windows to have some work done

[...]

02) Your electricity bill will jump to new highs because you can't be owned by that guy on irc on uptime!

01) After 5 years without a real-life you will understand that BSDs are better!

Just kidding… or not

#### Unix History

UN*X History By Alan Filipski

The UN*X brand operating system was the creation of two computer science researchers in a closet in the attic of a famous research laboratory (The Labs) in the late 1960s. The authors had complete freedom to design an operating system according to their own wishes without management constraints. This was because everyone at The Labs, including the management, thought they were janitors who spent their time in the closet wringing out mops or something.

The first version of the UN*X brand operating system was a game that simulated the gravitational motion of all known planets and satellites of our solar system. Soon such things as a file system and user procedures were grafted onto it. It ran on a PDP-7 computer that someone had stored in the closet and forgotten about.

Later the authors made the mistake of drawing attention to themselves by asking the management for a larger computer. At this, the management took the operating system and, deciding it to be something of use only to hippies (or closet hippies), sent it University of California at Berkeley.

It may be coincidental, but at the about the same time cases of a peculiar compulsive mental disorder known as Unirexia Nervosa were first noted in San Francisco, Calif. area. The symptoms of this disorder are the interjection of nonsense words such as grep, awk, runrun, and nohup by the victim into his or her speech; the misuse of ordinary words such as cat and lint; and the avoidance of the use of uppercase letters.

Advanced cases of Unirexia Nervosa have been found at many major universities throughout the U.S., where youths with pasty complexions and sunken eyes can be found late at night subsisting on diet pop, glaring fanatically at CRT's, and mumbling about "one more bugs". Since for the most part this malady has been confined to university students, it has not cause great public alarm. But recently there have been reports of regular people contracting the disease, even some who hold otherwise respectable positions in industry. The mode of transmission of Unirexia Nervosa is not known, but it is thought to have something to do with beards.

Members of the UN*X community have developed a novel and effective means of communication with each other. Suppose a user named Athol at Epizootic Systems in Cupertino, Calif., wishes to send an electronic mail message to his friend Elba at Perjorative Systems Inc. in Palo Alto, Calif. Although their computers do not communicate directly, they message may be passed via intermediate links. Athol would merely type:

mail ihnp4!allegra!ucbvax!seismo!decvax!cbosgd!ucbvax!pejor!elba

and then enter the text of his message. This electronic mail would appear at Elba's terminal either within two days of the time it takes to propagate a telephone signal 73 times between the East and West Coasts of the U.S., whichever is greater.

Although many people think the word "UN*X" is an acronym (or even a homonym), the word actually originated in the following manner. When management in The Labs noticed the strange machine running in the closet, they stopped the first technical-looking type they saw in the hall and asked him what it was. As fate would have it, it was not a technical type at all but a member of a lost Australian aboriginal tribe who had been wandering the halls of The Lab for years without drawing attention. The fellow did not understand English and believed they were asking him to haul the computer away. He replied, "UN*X(tm)," which is aboriginal for "Not my job, man." The rest is history.

The different versions of the UN*X brand operating system are numbered in a logical sequence: 5, 6, 7, 2, 2.9, 3, 4.0, III, 4.1, V, 4.2, V.2, and 4.3.

The C programming language is descended from the languages B and BCPL (short for Bucephalus, Alexander the Great's horse). It is a highly structured language. The following structured program, for example, is well-known to all C language programmers, and prints a well-known message at the terminal (try it!):

#define TWENTYNINE 29
int ll, L1, l0, h_1,q,h1,h;
main(){
for(putchar(putchar((h=7)*10+2)+TWENTYNINE);
l0?putchar(l0):!h_1;
putchar (ll),L1==2?ll=' ':0){
L1++==0?(ll=l0=54<<1):
ll=='l'&&L1<3?(ll+=1L|
1L<<1L,l0=0)
:L1==sizeof L1&&ll==' '
?(ll=19+h1):(q-=h1);
L1==5?ll-=8:q&& &
h_1;L1==sizeof ll+2?
(ll+=3):1L;ll==(h<<4)+2
&&L1!=6?(ll=ll-
6):(h1=100L);L1!=1L<<3?q--
:(h_1=ll=h1);
}
printf("%s\n",0);
}

Note the absence of goto statements in the program. Also note how the portability of the program is enhanced by judicious use of the C preprocessor and the sizeof operator. The dereferenced null pointer at the end is used to make sure the output is properly terminated.

The most commonly used UN*X interactive command language is known as the Bourne shell. (This shell was recently completely rewritten and is now available as the Bourne-again shell.) The shell provides a uniform syntax by which the user can interact with the operating system kernel and utility programs. The utility programs in turn accept a uniform syntax of command line arguments and options. Typical examples of utilities are the ar utility, which requires single-letter options that are lumped together in a specified order with an introductory minus sign, before the other arguments; and the find utility, which has multiletter options that cannot be lumped together, each of which must be preceded by a minus sign and which follow any other arguments.

Besides being used interactively, the shell itself may be used as a programming language. Although programs written in shell are slower than equivalent programs written in C, they are shorter and easier to read and debug. For example, to add 1 to a variable a in C one would have to write:

a = a + 1;

or:

a += 1;

or even:

a++;

In shell, one need only write:

a = expr $a + 1 where it is essential to have spaces around the + sign to use the$ sign only before the righthand occurrence of the variable a, and to use the backward quote character instead of the common single quote. When UN*X brand operating system programmers want to develop an application quickly, they often use the shell because of this convenient syntax.

Security is a very important issue in the UN*X brand operating system world. The typical UN*X brand operating system source licensee is living in a fool's paradise, little realizing that on the streets of every major city wander broken hackers who would kill for access to kernel source code. These people may be down on their luck, but they are not stupid. As you read these words, there are people who but for lack of a quarter would be whistling uucp protocols at 1200 baud to your modem from a downtown pay phone.

Therefore, the prudent administrator should be aware of common techniques used to breach UN*X brand operating system security. The most widely known and practiced attack on the security of the UN*X brand operating system is elegant in its simplicity. The perpetrator simply hangs around the system console until the operator leaves to get a drink or go to the bathroom. The intruder lunges for the console and types rm -rf / before anyone can pry his or her hands of the keyboard. Amateur efforts are characterized by typing in such things as ls or pwd. A skilled UN*X brand operating system security expert would laugh at such attempts.

The Trojan horse strategy is used in many attempts to defeat the security of a UN*X brand operating system installation. The following scenario is typical: The UN*X brand operating administrator arrives at work one afternoon and finds a new terminal outside the system security area. Since it is better than the current system console, he brings it in to the computer. After a few minutes of use, hordes of cockroaches come pouring out of the back of the terminal, driven out by the heat. The operator jumps up to stamp them out and the intruder has his will with the system.

How can this sort of damage be prevented? The greatest weakness of the UN*X brand operating system is the fact that the superuser root is so powerful. Therefore, an important principle is simple to minimize the use of root. An ingenious way of doing this is to first, without looking, set the root password of the system to some randomly generated string of character. Do not memorize or even look at this string. Now set up the /etc/inittab file with the run level 2 flag that will cause it to demand this unknown password whenever the system is booted. The system is now secure. Log off.

What can a system administrator do if he suspects that some has broken root? Simple. First, at the slightest suspicion that someone has unauthorized access to the superuser capability, immediately seal off the computer room, sound the fire alarm, release inert halon gas into the atmosphere, and activate the automatic sprinkler system. Type "shutdown 0" and cut all circuit breakers to the computer. Physically destroy all magnetic media that have ever been mounted on or associated with the insecure system in any way. Order a new distribution and reboot.

An administrator who is aware of these methods can maintain a sufficient degree of paranoia for most applications.

It has often been said that if God had a beard, he would be a UN*X programmer. While this may be an exaggeration, it is true that UN*X brand operating system is well on its way to replacing the outmoded 10- and 15-year-old operating systems in common use today.

#### IBM Seeking Patent for Outsourcing

##### They should really be congratulated ;-)
You cannot make this stuff up....From the US Patent and Trademark Office:
Outsourcing of services

Abstract

#### Urban Dictionary noob

##### Noobism might be a new mass epidemics hitting IT managers ;-)

A noob or n00b is someone that lacks intelligence or common sense. ...derived from online video games.
often confused with the term newb or newbie, but instead of meaning new to the game as the latter does, noob refers to people who have played the game for a while but still suck balls and are ignorant, selfish, and lack the most important skill of all, teamwork.

#### Avoid a CLM - MSN Encarta

Whether you're working in a giant global corporation, a local mom-and-pop, or you're toiling away toward your M.B.A., you'll be more effective--or at least pretend to be--if you can talk the office talk. And more often than not, that talk is full of acronyms. You know--those abbreviations that workers may disguise as timesavers, but that mostly seem designed to impress their audience with their business fluency. So, if you're NVQ (not very qualified) in business lingo, this list may help you decipher those memos from the boss, woo a new client, or ace your next midterm exam.
1. A2O (Apples to Oranges): A comparison of dissimilar things; an inappropriate comparison. "I think we should ignore Smith's suggestion; the analysis is totally A2O."
2. BHNC (Big Hat, No Cattle): Adapted from cowboy parlance. Used to describe someone who is all talk and no action, full of self-importance, and/or a poser. "She brags about her 'fabulous' job all the time, but she's BHNC."
3. CLM (Career-Limiting Move): A move that blocks your career path, or gets you fired, as in: "Wow, he made a real CLM when he showed up an hour late for the big pitch meeting."
4. CTD (Circling the Drain): Something that is on its last breath and about to die. Possibly related to disposing of a dead pet goldfish or a similar flushing-something-down-the-toilet scenario. "We all know the project is CTD, so most of us have started looking for new jobs."
5. FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt): A marketing tactic used by companies (often computer-related), FUD is used to scare consumers into staying with their product instead of trying the competitor's new product. "You could go with Company B, but their servers might crash on you."
6. PEBCAK (Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard): Tech-speak used when the "problem" is within hearing range. "I took a look at her machine and it's clearly a PEBCAK situation," said one technician to the other.
7. PURE (Previously Undiscovered Recruiting Error): A new employee who isn't working out as well as expected; an employee who looked good on paper but isn't cutting it on the job. "The new assistant buyer is definitely a PURE. Her qualifications are stellar, but she's so rude!"
8. WIIFM (What's In It for Me?): A key question in communication. People aren't going to be interested in hearing your pitch if they can't see what's in it for them. "Jones completely failed to sell the new PR campaign. The client just didn't see the WIIFM factor in his pitch."
9. We hope these acronyms help your résumé, sales pitch, or term paper avoid the TNT (Thanks, but No Thanks) "reject" pile

#### http://www.baetzler.de/humor/unix_tech_support.html

Author unknown

A Customer calls the Support Tech with a question.

Customer:
What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Tech:
Yes, that's correct.
Customer:
No, what is it?
Tech:
Yes.
Customer:
Yes?
Tech:
No, yes is not. 'what' is.
Customer:
So, which is the one?
Tech:
No, 'which' is used to find the program.
Customer:
Stop this. Who are you?
Tech:
Use 'who am i', not 'who are you'.
Customer:
All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Tech:
Yes. What.
Customer:
That's what i am trying to find out! Isn't that true?
Tech:
No, 'true' gives you zero.
Customer:
Which one?
Tech:
'which programname'.
Customer:
Argh. Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Tech:
Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Customer:
I want to find the revision code.
Tech:
You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Customer:
Which command will do what I need?
Tech:
No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Customer:
I think I understand. Let me write that.
Tech:
You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Customer:
Write what?
Tech:
No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Customer:
Cut that out!
Tech:
Yes. Those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Customer:
Do you always do this ?
Tech:
'du' will give you disk usage.
Customer:
HELP!
Tech:
'help' is illegal. Use 'man'.
Customer:
Which man?
Tech:
No, 'man what'.
Customer:
What?
Tech:
Yes.
Customer:
You make me angry.
Tech:
No, I don't 'make me' angry, but I did 'make program' when I was upset once.
Customer:
I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Tech:
No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Customer:
More of what?
Tech:
More or less.
Customer:
Nice help! I'm confused more now.
Tech:
Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. And 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is.
Customer:
This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Tech:
I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me transfer you to the Pascal compiler team.

#### Slashdot Software Architecture

... ... ..

"Are you familiar with the CORAN 2 process?"

"Oh yeah...we use that a lot."

"Really? I use it in concert with UMX and ICBM VSLAM for maximum effect. We use Agile Extremities processes with core-duplex programming methodologies"

"Ooooh...sounds awesome!"

"Yeah, it's good stuff. You really need quad-programming to and read once write never methodologies to have quality code. As long as you use over the shoulder management with sycophant posterior gestulations it all turns out good."

#### Working Hard, Hardly Working kuro5hin.org

Three years ago, I was working at a small company as the unofficial IT director / all-purpose computer bitch. I was laid off in early 2003, but to this day, the job presents me with difficulties; namely, that of telling prospective employers what I did, and for that matter, what the company itself did. I have virtually no idea what this company's function was, despite working there for over a year and a half, although I did learn how to spew an amazing amount of marketing jargon without thinking. As for my role there, it was essentially vast tracts of doing absolutely nothing, punctuated erratically by moments of panicking and crisis-defusion, usually involving something truly earth-shattering like the CEO not being able to print her email. When asked by interviewers "What did your company do?" I am forced to mumble vaguaries about consulting and hope they leave the issue alone.

# The PAPPL viewpoint

The People Against the Proliferation of Programming Languages do understand "progress". If a programming language is old and can be done better by a new one, then you switch. PAPPL is against creating new languages that by and large, do the same things that a previous language can do. In other words, "fad-ism" drives new language development NOT "need". PAPPL believes in Dr. Demming and "continual improvement" - and NOT in continual churn.

Dijkstra quote

The tools we use have a profound (and devious!) influence on our thinking habits, and, therefore, on our thinking abilities.

FORTRAN –"the infantile disorder"–, by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.

PL/I –"the fatal disease"– belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.

It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offence.

APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums.

The problems of business administration in general and data base management in particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMerese, compounded with sloppy English.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Besides a mathematical inclination, an exceptionally good mastery of one's native tongue is the most vital asset of a competent programmer.

Many companies that have made themselves dependent on IBM-equipment (and in doing so have sold their soul to the devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of their data processing systems.

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability.

We can found no scientific discipline, nor a hearty profession on the technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and, mainly, one computer manufacturer.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

By claiming that they can contribute to software engineering, the soft scientists make themselves even more ridiculous. (Not less dangerous, alas!) In spite of its name, software engineering requires (cruelly) hard science for its support.

In the good old days physicists repeated each other's experiments, just to be sure. Today they stick to FORTRAN, so that they can share each other's programs, bugs included.

Projects promoting programming in "natural language" are intrinsically doomed to fail.

#### The Top 10 senior management IT mistakes Paul Murphy ZDNet.com from feedback: "At many times working in corporations I have had the uncomfortable feeling that one day the shareholders were going to find out just how much money was being squandered in IT, and break into the building and run amok."

1. Taking mass media magazines, or the guy on the next bar stool, seriously on IT issues;
2. Taking IT advice from their peers - i.e. people who share their social, cultural, educational, and operational limitations;
3. Failing to consider the conflict between multi-million dollar IT project proposals and their own certainty that their neighbour's teenager can produce a working organizational ERP/SCM package over the weekend - using a \$200 Wintel PC.
4. Failing to distinguish numbers massaged on some guy's personal spreadsheet in accounting or business intelligence from reality;
5. Assuming that accountants know something of value about IT controls and operations;
6. Maintaining high school style social barriers between themselves and the nerds in IT;
7. Judging the IT person, not the IT result;
8. Pretending they don't need to understand how IT affects their business;
9. Pretending they understand how IT affects their business;
10. Delegating overall IT management responsibility to someone lower on the organizational totem pole.

... ... ... from feedback

1. Identifying with your supplier rather than your employer. Though it can look good on a senior manager's CV to say that "I implemented SAP" (for example) this does not mean that implementing SAP was necessarily the right thing for the company who are paying your wages.
2. Believing that your status is dependent on how many people you have working for you (not on whether they are working effectively or not), as in: "I have 200 people working for me", "What do they all do?", "I don't know, you'll have ask my secretary".

#### [May 18, 2006] When a consultant isn't A rogue's gallery Jon Espenschied

The Eurostar is the real deal in modern rail travel – purposeful and efficient service, delivered with considerate attention to the client – adjusting language, frequency of contact and minor deliverables during a trip that's dead-on schedule. Sure, unexpected events and distractions happen – I'd just spilled a good bit of the cappuccino carefully carried from Gare du Nord in my lap, and the woman next to me seemed quite intent on stealing the glassware – but overall the experience seemed oddly synchronous with a chat I'd had with some British security consultants a few days prior.

We'd been commiserating about clean-up jobs, specifically those done after some other security consultant had left a client stranded, frightened, overwhelmed, underinformed, half-done, or some combination of all of these. Not too long ago, I encountered one of these characters while speaking to professional students in a graduate health program in Alaska. The topic was compliance with the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act security rule, and the earlier speakers – purportedly genuine greybeard suspender-wearing security consultants – spent the better part of an hour filling the air with geek war stories.

They bragged to a wide-eyed room about how they could hack into any network, silently defeat any defense, expose any data, and humiliate any IT staffer who posed an obstacle. In hushed voices they warned that all the scary bad guys out there could do the same things, packed up their PowerPoints , and walked out the door. The implication, of course, is that clients ought to pay to have vulnerabilities found before the true black hats pull into the station.

I tried to put myself in the shoes of these midcareer medical managers. Would I hire these soldier-of-fortune wannabes? I spent the following hour leading another session, listening to the same audience describe their various situations and concerns. Then we talked about how to apply metrics to their subjective concerns and organize their security response more objectively and purposefully. No fewer than half the attendees sent me thank-you letters, saying it'd been the first time a security consultant didn't frighten them and run. That's a sad state of affairs.

It's unfortunately true that the IT world is full of junior consultants who learn basic technical skills on a client's dime when they ought to have arrived with appropriate knowledge, or at least to have shadowed prior assignments. But anyone represented as a technical specialist, be their focus networks, storage, applications or security, should have a firm grasp of the material. Consultants are supposed to be an even better package: Beyond technical competence, add the ability to listen, adjust language to the client, maintain good contact, deliver useful knowledge and make the overall experience approachable.

A good consultant actually consults – connects with the problem she is presented with, and has the ability to recognize that the best solution for a particular client and situation might not be the most technically elegant, expedient or appealing one. Did the train attendant insist on delivering juice when I was mopping coffee off my lap? No, that person's routine took a back seat to my admittedly awkward situation, but it didn't get completely derailed either. After an indelicate mopping with a wet towel, daubing with a dry one and a brisk walk, routine service resumed.

Security consulting, however, deals with topics that cause fear and anxiety, not just bewilderment. Routine service in this line of work means enumerating things that can go mildly or terribly wrong, what one stands to lose, and the likelihood that it'll actually happen. A junior, untrained or just plain bad security consultant doesn't just baffle with technical BS, he inevitably resorts to serving up broad fear, parrying clients' queries with their own self-doubt, and (often) leaving a trail of something approaching despair.

Frightened clients are worse off than the merely confused, because the latter may try to gather more information and sensibly reassess their situation. The frightened are far more likely to make panicked decisions about security controls. Show me a public health system or credit union that can afford to make mistakes with personal health or financial information on the advice of a lousy consultant, and I'll back off. Until then, I think it's important to spot the archetypal fauxsultants that may show up during your travels. Here's a list, and some of the warning signs.

The Greenhorn

The most obvious of this bunch, the Greenhorn is bewildered and unprepared, yet eager to go that extra mile to… do… something. He's constantly leaning over a cube wall asking rudimentary questions, or on the phone with IT trying to figure out how to make his outbound VPN work through your firewall. The Greenhorn may agree in a noncommittal way to any sort of scope creep, but rarely presents any visible work product. Advanced Greenhorns may produce written works, often identifiable by a lack of technical content, sentences with no verbs, and page upon page of bullet points copied from the statement of work.

Script Kiddie and d00d

Two sides of the same coin, Script Kiddie and d00d security consultants are both minimally capable of reasonable work, but unable to apply themselves effectively. The Script Kiddie typically arrives bright and early, with a laptop full of tools and no idea how to use them. She paints herself like a soccer hooligan with multiple vendor certifications – and the paint's still fresh, if you know what I mean. Young in years or young of mind, the Script Kiddie hasn't got the experience to know when things are going horribly wrong. She's easy to spot – bright and cheery at her nessus console, while the production network falls over in a smoldering heap.

Often lacking a formal education, broad work experience and basic social skills, the security d00d is consumed by a single technology he grasps, and will suggest as a solution no matter what the problem. The security d00d uses a quasi-functional hand-built operating system, extols the virtues of obscure and outmoded technologies, and has two or three scanning or security exploit tools at his disposal. You may spot the d00d by the amount of time he spends trying to reinvent the wheel in Perl.

Slick

Slick is a cleverly disguised salesperson. Impeccably adorned in business-formal, she listens well and performs rote consulting activities as they are outlined in the statement of work. However, the results are a bit shallow, as she spends most of her time onsite querying other departments about additional services they might need – that is, when she's not busy making copies of your software tools or familiarizing herself with the security devices and management consoles in your environment. Slick is dangerous, not just because of her shoddy work and slippery ethics, but because she's just as likely to blather about your potentially damaging security exposures to your competitors as vice versa.

Data

Like his Trek namesake, Data has fine technical skills, a great deal of experience with impressive-sounding clients, and may even present a plethora of certifications. However, he's a little unclear on the idea that technology and information security are used to serve a business or social purpose. He is unable to limit the amount of information collected, and frequently releases verbal barrages of incomprehensible detail that cause people to look for the firehose hookup on the back of his head. He can be identified by the use of more than a dozen security tools for a simple task, inability to articulate a linear process, and repeated attempts to paste a thousand-row spreadsheet into an executive summary.

The Soldier of Fortune

Armed to the teeth, the soldier shows up hauling a rolling bag with three laptops, innumerable war stories, and a complete lack of any constructive suggestion. Without any real clue about industry context, he's unable to focus on your business goals beyond an assessment of critical assets, slags the network at every opportunity, and suggests tactical solutions for every strategic problem. A lack of any interim findings or status reports is a good clue that a soldier is in your midst, preparing to drop a self-satisfied vulnerability bombshell in the first meeting with an executive in attendance.

The Lazy Master

Wise and skillful, communicative and understanding, the Lazy Master appears on the horizon as a wellspring of serene and insightful security strategy – except he's never actually finished with his work, and may never leave once ensconced. (On the other hand, he may never arrive either.) He understands your business better than you do, and grasps security issues and technology beyond most of us. The beginning has no end, and the end has no beginning, as he weaves himself into each project that suits his interest, moves like a gentle breeze through the scattered work, and trails off in an asymptotic sunset. The Lazy Master is recognizable by the vaguely comfortable though bewildered feeling as you survey the work done, the work yet to do, and the large hole in your budget.

Finding good information security advice isn't hard of you know your desired destination, and have some idea about the routes that go your way. But if you find yourself seated next to any one of these travelers, you would do well to find another spot or wait for the next project to come along. If it's your train, kick 'em off and check their bags for stolen glassware. You'll be doing the industry a favor.

#### Sox hamster - an IT person who tries to make his/her IT career on implementing IT "SOX compliance" whatever it means ;-).

• Hamstering -- activity of SOX hamsters.

• #### Soxificator -- an auditor who checks the company for SOX compliance.

• "Winnie SOX" -- a person who is concerned about SOX non-compliance
• "fear and bloating" -- substituting real-world IT problems with brain-damaging, useless assessments, unrealistic policies and procedures as well as "compliance" software acquisitions.
• Natolistic "No Action Talk Only" -- typical method of resolution of problems used during soxification.
• Wombat ("Waste of Money, Brains and Time") -- Replacing solution of underlying complex architectural problems by the acquisition of yet another expensive "compliance" software tool. Can be used with company-specific prefix like "SAP Wombat" or "IBM Wombat."
• "Schmucks unlimited" -- IT staff who needs to implement absurd "security" and "compliance" measures.
• "The Emperor's New Fluorescent Orange Clothes" -- the modern fable about high level of IT security and SOX compliance.
• #### [Apr 1, 2006] Celebration of a decade of the publishing of classic genre of "Linux will become dominant on the desktop the next year" articles produced a surprise new winner.

This landmark event traditionally celebrated on April 1 ( with March 31 as the deadlines for the publication) did not bring much celebrities like Linus Torvalds or Cmd Taco. This year it went almost unnoticed: only several ten thousand blogs and Website predicted eventual demise of Microsoft windows in 2005. While this is a significant increase from 1996 when the number of such sites was below one hundred it lags general increase in the number of Web site by several orders of magnitude. The surprise winner of this year contest managed to beat such venerable competitors as ZDNet and Slashdot and produced a really slick presentation of the favorite theme:

"With Microsoft pushing the release of Vista back yet again, there is a tremendous opportunity for a new sheriff to come to town.

We are confident that mass shift to Linux could happen this time. The math is simple: There are millions of PCs out there that are running Windows XP and are now approaching the end of their service life..."

#### Took a while, didn't it?

(Score:2)

by jcr (53032) <jcrNO@SPAMidiom.com> on Saturday March 04, @03:49PM (#14850931)
(Last Journal: Saturday November 05, @06:26AM)

The designer of Algol-60 is only getting this recognition in 2006? What?

-jcr

#### [Jan 8, 2006] No-one is beyond recovery... Welcome to this meeting of GPLaholics Anonymous, where people share their experience, strength and hope in their battle against their addiction to GPL. Here are the twelve steps, adapted from other recovery programs.

1. We admitted we were powerless against GPL license and that our contempt for regular commercial software vendors had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a sharing methodology better then GPL could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will, lives and email address to BSD development, as we understand BSD.
4. Made a searching and moral inventory of what sourcecode we actually have and own.
5. Admitted to ourselves, Slashdot and Richard Stallman the exact nature of our licensing errors.
6. Were entirely ready to remove defective GPL license from our products, if any and use BSD excusivly..
7. Made a list of all people we tried to coerce into using GPL, apologize to them and send them new BSD based versions.
8. Continued to grep license files and see were we can remove GPL license and change it to BSD.
9. Stop reading Slashdot to break our harmful habit of using GPL and write to Linus Torvalds to change Linux license to BSD.
10. Having had a sourcecode awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive GPL software coders and to practice real sharing using BSD license in all our products.

## [Continued]

### Sites

• ***** Open Directory - Recreation Humor Computer Programming
• ***** Google Directory - Recreation Humor Computer Programming
• Softpanorama "Linux Sucks" Humor Collection
• ***** [Classic] The UNIX cult

The UNIX cult is widespread across the Galaxy now and the surprise discovery of some ancient files in the archives of Intergalactic Brain Machines on Sol 3 triggered the dispatch of an inter-disciplinary investigation team. The files are extremely extensive, occupying all of a small island off the coast of Continent 3. It transpires that the island was taken over by Intergal in the aftermath of the Corporate Wars which plagued Sol 3 some centuries after the birth of the cult.

The team were asked to find out the original meaning of some of the incantations used in UNIX religious practice and also to shed some light on what it all meant at the start.

We should take this opportunity to use the ancient prayer:

UNIX is a trademark of AT&T in the USA and other countries.

Earlier versions of this prayer do seem to exist, it is unclear why the form of words altered. AT&T' was the Corporation where the Creators of the cult worshiped. The Corporation totally disappeared in the wars and many of its original records were either destroyed or altered by the victor in an attempt to re-write' history. The placement of the country USA on the four continents has been lost.

• ***** On the Design of the UNIX operating System the evidence is very strong that bad typing played a large role in the design of the UNIX system.

Why is UNIX successful?
The computer world seems to have gone `UNIX mad', and it is hard to understand why. One good reason is the portability of the system but there must be more to it than that. Most people who use the UNIX system seem to like it even though it is full of idiosyncrasies, is terse to the point of unhelpfulness and consists of a very large number of totally forgettable commands. I think that the success of the system is summed up by the following paragraph.

The UNIX system is successful because the minimum number of keystrokes achieve the maximum effort. In addition, the system says very little to explain errors and relies on the intelligence of the user to deduce reasons for failure.

The statement describes UNIX V6, which we all know is the parent of the UNIX systems running today. History tells us that the guys who designed it did their own typing into the machine. It seems to me that because of this, the main reason that UNIX enjoys/suffers from terse input and output is not through any intellectual design decisions made at some early stage but because the UNIX designers were just bad typists working on slow peripherals.

Let us examine the evidence.

• **** Humorix Published Articles "Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!" -- from a Slashdot post

**** Addicted to the Net & Webmaster Foibles -- nice collection

BBspot - Your Only Source for Tech News -- many nice parodies. Among them

Computer Science Humour

The International Obfuscated C Code Contest

Humorix All Linux Humor. All Copied Mottos. All the Time.

• Jokes from many categories (including "computer", "internet", "unix" categories and many other) "If we cannot make you laugh, nobody can!"

## Random Findings

Don't let a few insignificant facts distract you from waging a holy war

A Slashdot post

It's spelled Linux, but it's pronounced "Not Windows"

- Usenet sig

It is time to unmask the programming community
as a Secret Society for the Creation and Preservation of Artificial Complexity.

## Etc

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ABUSE: IPs or network segments from which we detect a stream of probes might be blocked for no less then 90 days. Multiple types of probes increase this period.

Society

Groupthink : Two Party System as Polyarchy : Corruption of Regulators : Bureaucracies : Understanding Micromanagers and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers :   Harvard Mafia : Diplomatic Communication : Surviving a Bad Performance Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience : Who Rules America : Neoliberalism  : The Iron Law of Oligarchy : Libertarian Philosophy

Quotes

War and Peace : Skeptical Finance : John Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand : Oscar Wilde : Otto Von Bismarck : Keynes : George Carlin : Skeptics : Propaganda  : SE quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes : Random IT-related quotesSomerset Maugham : Marcus Aurelius : Kurt Vonnegut : Eric Hoffer : Winston Churchill : Napoleon Bonaparte : Ambrose BierceBernard Shaw : Mark Twain Quotes

Bulletin:

Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient markets hypothesis : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 : Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 :  Vol 23, No.10 (October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments : Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 : Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 : Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan (Win32/Crilock.A) : Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers as intelligence collection hubs : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : Inequality Bulletin, 2009 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Copyleft Problems Bulletin, 2004 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Energy Bulletin, 2010 : Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26, No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 : Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05 (May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method  : Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law

History:

Fifty glorious years (1950-2000): the triumph of the US computer engineering : Donald Knuth : TAoCP and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman : Linus Torvalds  : Larry Wall  : John K. Ousterhout : CTSS : Multix OS Unix History : Unix shell history : VI editor : History of pipes concept : Solaris : MS DOSProgramming Languages History : PL/1 : Simula 67 : C : History of GCC developmentScripting Languages : Perl history   : OS History : Mail : DNS : SSH : CPU Instruction Sets : SPARC systems 1987-2006 : Norton Commander : Norton Utilities : Norton Ghost : Frontpage history : Malware Defense History : GNU Screen : OSS early history

Classic books:

The Peter Principle : Parkinson Law : 1984 : The Mythical Man-MonthHow to Solve It by George Polya : The Art of Computer Programming : The Elements of Programming Style : The Unix Hater’s Handbook : The Jargon file : The True Believer : Programming Pearls : The Good Soldier Svejk : The Power Elite

Most popular humor pages:

Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society : Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection : BSD Logo Story : The Cuckoo's Egg : IT Slang : C++ Humor : ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? : The Perl Purity Test : Object oriented programmers of all nations : Financial Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related Humor : Programming Language Humor : Goldman Sachs related humor : Greenspan humor : C Humor : Scripting Humor : Real Programmers Humor : Web Humor : GPL-related Humor : OFM Humor : Politically Incorrect Humor : IDS Humor : "Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church : Richard Stallman Related Humor : Admin Humor : Perl-related Humor : Linus Torvalds Related humor : PseudoScience Related Humor : Networking Humor : Shell Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2012 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2013 : Java Humor : Software Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor : Education Humor : IBM Humor : Assembler-related Humor : VIM Humor : Computer Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer Humor

The Last but not Least

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