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"These F#@king Guys"

News In Goldman Sachs we trust Recommended Links Quotes Corruption of SEC Corruption of FED Corruption of Treasury
          Financial Humor Etc

"Why are government employees filing
a civil suit against Goldman Sachs?
That's just going to be embarrassing in a few years
when they all go back to work at Goldman Sachs,"

Stephen Colbert

Here is a small, but growing selection of humor about ""These F#@king Guys"


Old News ;-)

[Aug 23, 2013] Debugging US government Goldies connection: Goldies demand that money lost due to software errors were returned

August 22, 2013 | naked capitalism


The other day Goldman Sachs announced that they lost a few hundred million (chump change really) due to a computer error. They are, at least according to one article I read, demanding that the money be returned thus shorting the people they were trading with.

I wonder if this is part of that. Perhaps the error is larger than originally disclosed or has been repeated. In any case if NASDAQ were to choose to screw over people to benefit one big player my money would be on Goldman.


GS wants it ALL back…pull up any naz chart an you can see the swings began yesterday at 2pm

i saw this same battle on China's mkt a couple yrs ago…GS started backing out of a huge futures mistake and while it became immediately clear they were screwed …GS called foul and told China they wouldn't honor the trade. the chinese added an extra R to gofukyourself…last i could track was GS calling on the IMF and poof all went quiet on the western front

Canceling Erroneous Trades: You're Asking The Wrong Questions

GS will Always attempt the impossible…because we made it possible.


So sitting here in my house, reading about this, I come to the conclusion that as dramatic as this has to be for the FIRE sector, it means absolutely doodle squat to the lives of the 99%.

What am I missing?




"Not exactly seeing high frequency trading on my equity trading software today lol."

Awesome! Finally, a feature, not a bug, for the 99%. Who said God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Doug Terpstra:

Doing the Lloyd's work: Goldman made another FUBAR trade and the NASDAQ just needs to break it out of the queue.

Just the usual free market efficiency. Mistakes were made. Move along please. Nothing to see here.

[Mar 12, 2013] Goldman's Undisclosed Role in AIG's Distress

Zero Hedge

If Goldman Sachs is doing God's work, then God hates us all.

[Sep 06, 2010] A Walk in the Woods – We Hate Goldman

zero hedge

You can imagine (if you know me) my anger, shock and disappointment to see this at the trail juncture:

Apparently three years ago the nice folks at Goldie wrote a tax deductable check and had some help bring in some wood chips for this trail. Now they get a plaque with their name on it that will last forever. Whatever improvements GS made back then have been washed away from three hard winters. But Goldie still has their advertisement right in the middle of the woods.

I was looking at this and taking a picture when a teenage couple came up the path. I guessed that they were not this deep in the woods for "sylvan" pleasures. I pointed to the sign and asked:

BK: Do you know who Goldman Sachs is?

BOY: They're the ones who stole the money in the stock market.

GIRL: My father says it's the Wall Street that caused the depression.

BK: That sounds about right.

BOY: Should we rip it out?

BK: No. Let's leave it. Everyone who walks by this spot will be reminded of how much we don't like these guys.

BOY: Okay. Which way you going?

I pointed left. They went right.

Aug 28, 2010] Periodic Table of Wall Street Criminal Elements By Barry Ritholtz

August 27, 2010

This is perfect for a Friday afternoon: An amusing romp thru Wall Street:

click for ginormous graphic

Via William Banzai7

[Aug 14, 2010] Goldman's Strange Gym Fee Economics

Aug 12, 2010 | The Atlantic

As though the multi-million dollar bonuses aren't enough to make the rest of the world envy Goldman Sachs bankers, its new headquarters will include a shiny new 54,000 square foot gym. That sure beats our "gym" here at Atlantic Media, which might be 250 square feet. But oddly, Goldman's isn't free. And even stranger: the pay scale is proportional to your level at the firm. What's the logic here?

Social Workout reports on the story and provides a few pics. Its article questions the monthly fees which run:

$132 - Managing Directors
$75 - Vice Presidents
$51 - Everybody Else at Goldman

SW remarks:
Where to begin with this? First, this would seem to suggest that there are only three relevant levels of hierarchy within the Goldman empire. Yay FLAT bureauracy-free management structures! Or perhaps BOO extreme concentration of wealth at the top! But the really wonderful thing is the huge $57 break that Goldman Vice Presidents get on their gym fees vs. the "MDs." Look, an MD might make $20 million a year and have several hundred million in Goldman stock, and so he or she can afford that extra $684 a year. But a poor vice president is probably only making a few million a year, and those savings go directly to the outrageous cost of private schools on the upper east side. Hurray for progressive sliding scales!

Indeed. Goldman is so progressive, presumably it couldn't help but save the "little guys" a few bucks. Any given Associate is probably only making a paltry $350,000 per year or more, so $51 per month is clearly all they can afford. (For the record, when I moved to New York City after college and was barely halfway to making six-figures, I managed to afford a gym membership that cost $65 per month.) [Aug 14, 2010] Funny Nigerian email scam

[Aug 05, 2010] Ex-Goldman Sachs Employee Compares Working At Bank To Being A 'Fluffer' On A 'Porn Set'

From Wikipedia: "A fluffer is a hired member of the crew of a pornographic movie whose role on the set is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the filming of scenes requiring erections."
Peering into these deals was kind of like the zoomed-in penetration shot in a cheesy porn video: you could barely tell which end was up, which part was which, or, more importantly, who exactly was screwing whom. The quant aspect didn't really matter at the end, as one lacrosse-playing Penn graduate would agree on price via phone with another lacrosse-playing Cornell grad, and life would resume its speedy course to another deal.

The sad truth is: quants were the eunuchs at the orgy. The fluffers on the porn set of high finance. We were the ever-present British guy in every Hollywood WWII film: there to add a touch of class and exotic sophistication, but not really matter much to the plot (and maybe even conveniently take some bad guy's bullet).


Comparing banking with porn production is disgusting and totally inappropriate. Porn is a legitimate industry.


What a dysfunctional money grubbing company. Goldman should be destroyed.

Thomas Paine:

Goldman was destroyed... Then the Bush administration decided to play Dr. Frankenstein.


OK, Um... I work in porn. And as much as the giggling girlies love to go on about "fluffers," I'm sorry to tell you that the job is an urban myth. I've worked in the industry for years and for many different companies. And nobody has ever even heard of it other than in movies and urban legends.

Fluffers I guess are like honest bankers. You just hear about them but they don't really exist.


Ex-Goldman Sachs Employee Compares Working At Bank To Being A 'Fluffer' On A 'Porn Set'

Perfect analogy. Because everybody got f*cked and nobody know who until later, when the DVD came out.

[Aug 02, 2010] Goldman Sachs Resort & Casino by David Henry Sterry

July 21, 2010 | The Huffington Post

Goldman Sachs is proud to announce a consumer-enriching expansion from the hallowed halls of Wall Street to the glittering neon of Las Vegas. In addition to continuing our world-class wealth-friendly Private Wealth Management and Personal Banking services; our internationally-recognized client-focused Global Investment Research services; our award-winning, growth-facilitating Debt Financing teams, we are excited to unveil plans for the globally diversified, entertainment-enhanced, Goldman Sachs Lounge & Casino, perfect for both the high roller, and the high-net-worth individual, financial institution, corporation and/or government.

Located just off Flamingo Ave. between Treasure Island and Circus Circus, GSL&C will continue our tradition of offering the finest in connectivity-based consumer value. From Texas Hold 'em Hedge Fund tables, to Equity Capital Craps games, to Subprime Mortgage Default Roulette wheels, to Junk Bond Bingo, Goldman Sachs plans to bring the visionary, innovative and family-friendly fun it made famous on Wall Street, and transplant it right into the heart of Las Vegas.

[Aug 01, 2010] The Golden Truth

From comments to "Is the Fed Chair's Reappointment at Risk"


"…the public's perception that Obama is in bed with Wall Street."

Is he the one whose wife chased him with the golf club, or is that the other one?

I Gotcha Covered Goldman"

"I Gotcha Covered Goldman"

[Aug 01, 2010] The Committee to Defraud the World

In a December 23, 2007 Op-Ed piece penned for the NY Times, Harvard Professor Greg Mankiw wrote:

"The truth is the current Fed governors, together with their crack staff of Ph.D. economists and market analysts, are as close to an economic dream team as we are ever likely to see."

Two years later, the number of those who still believe in the magical powers of policy making leadership has plummeted....

PIMCO "Chump" Kashkari Rails Against Entitlement Spending After Providing Banks With $700 Billion Taxpayer Funded Blank Check



PIMCO's 30 silver pieces were not enough for Mr. K?

DarkAgeAhead :

This confirms my long-held suspicion to beware of engineers with MBA's

docj :

Good Lord - can't these criminals at least have the common sense and dignity to shut the f**k up after having raped us dry lo these last - what? - 100-years.

NumberNone :

Is this the equivalent of telling the girl to get the fuck out after you've used her?

Trash-kari..not even going to pay for grandma's cab?


Close. It's the equivalent of demanding that her mother pay for the reupholstery job on your Benz after you left the girl's dismembered corpse in a ditch.


Methinks nitwit Cash-n-carry had a few too many "Rails" before burping up this screed.

[Jul 18, 2010] Its the Law, Bitches!

The Big Picture

How the Common Man Sees It:

I can't personally say that the people at GS are going to an eternal hell. It is not my place to judge based on such limited information. One thing I can be pretty sure on. If they do get there the one thing they'll be thinking about this issue, if they have time. The one thing they'll be thinking is that they will have wished they paid more.


"Fines are then assessed based on your income and wealth"

… as opposed to the current system where money buys your way out?


Thank you. Your statement, "Spin isn't fact, opinions aren't laws, and having an opinion is not the same as being informed." should be writ large in samplers hung on the walls of civics classes (if we still had them) across the country


Br'er Bear caught Br'er Rabbit. Br'er Rabbit pleads 'Puhleese don't trow me in dat briar patch.' Br'er Bear slings Br'er Rabbit into dat briar patch and standing smuggly with a tuft of fur twixt his paw he say 'dat'll teach em!'

[Jul 17, 2010] Guest Post Lloyd Blankfein's Days Are Numbered As Chairman Of Goldman Sachs

zero hedge


I pray to Lloyd Blankfein.


The devil is indeed among us as even they who are doing Gods work have to settle in court.
Dark times indeed!

Sqworl :

Breaking news...Geithner with all his new FinReg powers will appoint his Master to head up Consumer Protection Agency...

MarketFox :

Blankfein is just another "Typical Americanized CEO"....This means winning at anybody's cost but the firm's....and using their legal capture and legal largesse to the fullest.....After all...if you are not working for are against us....

Seems to me Blankfein should be given high fives for gaming the system at the highest degree possible....

There should be a "Corporate Heisman Trophy" award as an aside for "CEOs only"....

Maybe even make a new television episode...or even book series....

Why give all the eyeballs and ears away for free ?


Who is the right guy to change Goldman's image to fit the new paradigm it faces?


[Jul 17, 2010] Reader Inquiry Tax Havens, aka the Sunny Bahamas

naked capitalism


Why are there no banksters in jail yet? Oh yeah, they are doing Gawd's work….or is that Greed's work.

K Ackermann:

God pays very well, but He only has a few openings.

[Jul 15, 2010] Guest Post Why Goldman Could Pull It Off

zero hedge

Mr Lennon Hendrix:

Why Goldman Could Pull It OUT.....

"I did pull it out." Said Gold Man's Sach. "No you didn't!" Screamed Mary Shapiro. "You came inside of me!" "Whatever, just abort the damn thing then." The Sach rolled over. "Get me some water and my cigarettes, Daddy is thirsty and tired."


And when I say make me a sandwich, you better come back with a goddamn sandwich.

Mr Lennon Hendrix :

The Sach tucked his Lloyd back into his boxers. "Oh, and make me a sandwhich!"



Priceless commentary Mr fucking cruel. Love ZH.

[Jul 06, 2010] At Goldman, We Used Derivatives From AIG To Hedge Risk, Not Profit Off The Downfall Of America

"I am from Goldman, I am here to help".

George Parr:
If Reagan were alive today, he would update his quip about the 10 scariest words of the English language:

"I am from Goldman, I am here to help".

Which, on second thoughts, would not be an update after all. Goldman is the government, and the government is Goldman (Rubin, Paulson etc etc)

Here's Johnny

@George Parr:

"I am from Goldman, I am here to help". 9 Words
George Parr on Jun 30, 10:54 AM said:
@Here's Johnny:

Touche': "I am from Goldman Sachs, I am here to help"

NY Liberal on Jun 30, 10:16 AM said:

As a liberal, I totally agree with Goldman. If anything they're enriching through diversity the life's of their clients by sharing some of that Rich and Celebrated Golden Cultural Heritage of theirs of winch Financial Chicanery plays an intricate part.

I Agree on Jun 30, 10:28 AM said:

@NY Liberal:

All the animosity directed towards them is just one big giant cultural misunderstanding. Kinda like going to McDonalds and ordering a Falafel.

Jeff on Jun 30, 11:06 AM said:

They've been using this schtick for months and no one is buying it. Saying they bought derivatives only as a hedge is like me saying I went grocery shopping only to support American agriculture, and not to feed my family.

[Jul 05, 2010] The vampire squid gang has become toxic like a pack of cigarretes by Tyler Durden

Goldman DESERVES to be shaken down. How can a firm that has raped and pillaged the citizenry expect "fairness"?Should not we start with sending Easy Al to spend the rest of his retirement in renovated Alcatraz first ?

Today, the Democratic candidate for Texas AG has filed a Legal Complaint and Legal Brief against Goldman Sachs et literally al for "causing financial crisis and physical harms; recession; unemployment; home and wealth loss; forced cutbacks in a wide variety of critical areas, including medical care, social services, and environmental protection" ...

In other words the vampire squid has become nothing more than a pack of cigarretes: Goldman Lights (recessed filter) ...

Missing_Link :

Don't you get it? "Tyler Durden," in both the movie and the book, is a schizophrenic character who has a separate personality and doesn't realize it's him. Same thing here; the Goldman-accusing TD and the Goldman-loving TD are the same person; they just don't realize it.

Muir :

"Don't you get it? "Tyler Durden," in both the movie and the book, is a schizophrenic character who has a separate personality and doesn't realize it's him. Same thing here; the Goldman-accusing TD and the Goldman-loving TD are the same person; they just don't realize it."

Hmmm... I think you are unto something here.

As one who hates Capitalism in its present form so viscerally and yet trades for a living, I can relate.

unwashedmass :

when do we sue ourselves for sitting quietly while GS and the other banks took over the country? stole the treasury? and basically bought the Congress? We have no one to blame but ourselves for sitting and watching this all happen live and in color on every network....

[Jun 30, 2010] Time to Investigate Blankfein and Paulson (More AIG Shenanigans Edition) " naked capitalism

"Paulson got a blow job"

[Jun 10, 2010] YET ANOTHER GS LOGO

The WilliamBanzai7 Blog

[May 31, 2010] Bank of Amoral Lynch?

"Sons of Osama" might be a better mickname ?

[May 25, 2010] New SEC Regulations for CEOs

We still live in a world where only the Onion, Jon Stewart and like are the only ones telling the truth… "we're back to the royalty/feudal days where the only contribution to "GDP", if it was being measured, began and ended at the lord's castle"
The Big Picture
From (who else?) The Onion:

"Securities and Exchange Commission officials are calling it the strictest regulatory reform since the Great Depression: CEOs of major financial institutions will now be required to humbly shrug and smile sheepishly before accepting huge salary bonuses.

The new regulation, SEC rule 206(b)-7, will reportedly target Wall Street executives who accept disgustingly bloated annual payouts, forcing them to raise and then lower their shoulders in a manner that conveys a mild degree of humility or a sense of "Aw, shucks. Who? Me?"

"This sweeping new reform sends a clear message to fat-cat CEOs at firms like Goldman Sachs and AIG," SEC chair Mary Schapiro said Monday. "Never again will they be able to receive massive bonuses unless, at a minimum, they flash a gee-I-don't-think-I-should expression and say something like 'Well, all right, but only if you insist' first."

"Mark my words," she continued, "The days of greedy, out-of-touch executives pocketing outrageous $40 million bonuses without acting slightly embarrassed about it are over."

The crackdown comes on the heels of Wall Street's 2010 bonus season, during which not one executive was observed to look at the floor meekly, sink his hands into his pockets, or dig his right toe awkwardly into the ground before taking his cut of the estimated $55 billion in payouts."

-New Law Forces CEOs To Humbly Shrug Before Receiving Massive Bonuses

[May 12, 2010] Must Read Michael Lewis' Latest Memo To Lloyd Blankfein zero hedge

Blaming Merrill Might Set Goldman Sachs Free, by Michael Lewis, originally posted in Bloomberg

To: Lloyd Blankfein

Re: Winning at Ethics, the Goldman Way

I have reviewed no less than seven times your entire episode on Charlie Rose.

Your artful simplicity, studied humility and former hairline all positively radiated against the set's dark background.

As one of my lesser colleagues on the desk marveled, "Lloyd seemed almost human:

Why?" To which I replied, evenly: "because he finally read my last memo."

Of course there was no reason you should look to one of your own traders for advice. But now that you have, we must proceed quickly. American public opinion is volatile; our exposure to it is peaking, and it will be more difficult than usual to create the illusion for American mortals (or as we like to call them, "The Morts") that our business is in their interest, much less that we share anything in common.

This time, please, do not wait five months to internalize my new action items. They are:

No. 1: Implicate the rest of Wall Street, as quickly as possible.

It's always unnatural to hear the name of Goldman Sachs in the same sentence as Deutsche Bank, much less Merrill Lynch. We must put aside our revulsion. The American people might enjoy seeing one firm being driven out of business by a criminal investigation. They're less likely to allow for the destruction of every big Wall Street firm. They just forked over trillions to keep them afloat.

Delicate Decency

This job of putting our behavior in a new context -- comparing it not to some broad universal standard of "decency" but to Wall Street standards -- must be done delicately.

For example I was once hauled before a second-grade teacher and simply shouted, "You ill-paid, third-rate moron! I did nothing worse than what every other kid was doing! It is illogical not to punish them, too!"

The outburst did nothing to alleviate my situation, and probably made it more difficult than it needed to be for me to gain entry to Princeton. But the episode taught me one of the central tenets of the Goldman Way: far better to rig a system than to fight it.

Helpful Walks

Our public relations staff might quietly and helpfully walk even hostile reporters through some of the deals created by these other firms. Ditto our lawyers in their meetings with the Securities and Exchange Commission.

No. 2: Continue to use Warren Buffett, but don't forget to pay him.

When Warren said that stuff the other day about wishing you had a twin brother so he could employ you both, he didn't mean it as a sign of his undying admiration for you.

Remember: He said almost exactly the same sort of things about John Gutfreund, after Gutfreund had given him a sweet deal to rescue Salomon Brothers from oblivion. The moment Warren was forced to choose between Gutfreund and his money, he chose his money.

Don't force him to make that choice. If you want more loud character references from Warren Buffett (you do) you must insure that he continues to think of you as profitable.

I don't know if there are ways Goldman Sachs might simply give money to Berkshire Hathaway for free, but we should explore the possibility.

Hide the Props

No. 3: Hide, and hide from, the prop group.

If you must be seen in public with Goldman employees, make sure they are bankers and brokers, and not our proprietary traders. You did an excellent job on Charlie Rose of making it seem the prop group didn't even exist.

We were mere "market makers" who helped our customers "get the risk they wanted."

At the same time, but for different reasons, you should limit your private interaction with the prop traders, especially Jonathan Egol.

The SEC's complaint focused on one of Jonathan's Abacus deals and yet failed even to mention Jonathan. Instead they fingered the French guy.

At first I took it as just another sign of Mort stupidity. But now that the Justice Department has gotten involved, and is combing through all the Abacus deals, I wonder. Why is no one yet talking about Jonathan? Why is no one making noises about the deals structured for Jonathan -- and not John Paulson -- to short them? Is it possible that Jonathan has been helping them to understand our business? Just saying...

Our French Problem

No. 4: You need to address our French problem.

In a matter of weeks Fabrice Tourre has gone from non- entity to a potential asset (a "rogue trader" who might have gone quietly so that the firm might survive) to a huge liability (hero on Wall Street, who somehow has managed to portray himself as both a religious martyr and a mere cog in our machine.)

Going forward I suggest that our personnel department reexamine the French male's ability to subordinate himself. In English there is no "I" in team. It turns out that the French use a different word: equipe.

Our international people should have known this. At the very least they should have been queasy about hiring guys who look as if they'd rather be wearing espadrilles.

'Things Like Ethics'

No. 5: Be careful not to say or do anything now that will constrain our ability, after this crisis has passed, to do whatever we want.

The other day, on your emergency conference call with our customers, you said that you wanted Goldman to be seen as a "leader in things like ethics."

I couldn't have put it better myself. If in the future we fail to be a leader in ethics we can point to your statement as evidence that we never intended to be a leader in ethics, merely in "things like ethics."

To that end, I intend to compile a list of things like ethics, in which we might strive to be a leader, without risk to our profitability.

Selected Comments


The problem with Blankfiend is that he ALWAYS looks like the cat that ate the canary. He has the face that says "I just committed grand theft and got away with it". Paulson might have had the lazy eyes, but at least he could look serious when he needed to..sleep deprivation be damned. Blankfiend has no control over his facial expression that seems to scream: "Yeah, I did it, I'm doing it now and I will do it again, and again, and again..."

[Apr 28, 2010] "Financial Al-Capone" Hit List- Bear, Moody's, NatCity, PMI, WaMu And Capital One

"Public service is my motto. Ninety percent of the people of Cook County drink and gamble and my offense has been to furnish them with those amusements. My booze has been good and my games on the square.", "I am like any other man. All I do is supply a demand. " Al Capone
zero hedge

As Bruce Krasting disclosed yesterday, Goldman's Josh Birnbaum "slipped" when disclosing the firm's prop equity positions, in listing the companies his firm was actively shorting. We hope none of these were naked shorts as that would not reinforce the case of prudent risk management by Goldman's discount window-accessible hedge fund (in other words, the entire firm).

....the firm had a big delta short in fins offset with no financial longs

[Apr 28, 2010] Notes on Senate Hearings on Goldman Sachs (Updated as of End of Hearings)

More bread and circuses for the chumps. Coburn was the most comical of all. His whole "inquiry" was just a cheap Goldman Sachs informercial. Senator Ensign (R-Nev) put a good joke that Las Vegas casinos would take offense at being compared to Wall Street because Wall Street used other peoples money and changed the rules as the game was being played.
April 27, 2010 | naked capitalism



That's a great choice you give us to describe those employed in the financial services industry, either master thieves and deceivers like Goldman, or feckless bumblers like Goldman's victims.

And these are the same guys who control the country's financial future and wellbeing, and knock down multi-million dollar pay packages for either being 1) crackerjack liars or 2) stupid?

[Apr 27, 2010] You want the truth? You can't handle the truth


Making the rounds, a little Goldman humor (ht Brian):

"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. Son, we live in a country with an investment gap. And that gap needs to be filled by men with money. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Middle Class Consumer?

Goldman Sachs has a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Lehman and you curse derivatives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that Lehman's death, while tragic, probably saved the financial system.

And that Goldman's existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves pension funds. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want us to fill that investment gap. You need us to fill that gap.

"We use words like credit default swaps, collateralized debt obligation, and securitization? We use these words as the backbone of a life spent investing in something. You use 'em as a punchline. We have neither the time nor the inclination to explain ourselves to a commoner who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very credit we provide, and then questions the manner in which we provide it!

We'd rather you just said thank you and paid your taxes on time. Otherwise, we suggest you get an account and start trading.

Either way, we don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"

[Apr 24, 2010] Goldman Email Describes 'Frankenstein' Derivatives; Tourre Brags about Selling Abacus to "widows and orphans"; SEC Confident;German Bank Drops Goldman

black swan

"Goldman Sachs should probably settle, said senior executives at three of the firm's rivals."

Translation: Make this s**t go away before they start looking at us.

[Apr 24, 2010] New Goldman PR Disaster Execs Celebrated Subprime Implosion

naked capitalism

lambert strether:

"The Big Short."

Sounds like I've finally got a catchy name for the financial crisis, because these guys shorted the country.

[Apr 21, 2010] Jon Stewart on Goldman Sachs

From comments: "still the funniest, most biting shit on the net - thanks Daily Show for making me laugh while the house is burning down." "These F#@king Guys" is actually a better nickname for GS then squid.
If that embedded video doesn't work for you, you can go see it here:–king-guys-goldman-sachs
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

These F@#king Guys - Goldman Sachs

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

[Apr 19, 2010] "Don't GS Me, Man!"By Barry Ritholtz

April 19, 2010 | The Big Picture

Afternoon humor, gathered from around the web:

The term "GS", now entering the popular lexicon as a verb, meaning to lie AND make money from doing so, as opposed to "BS" – which is just to lie without the benefit of compensation.

-Richard Ambrose


There once was a man named Tourré
He toiled for The Squid night and day
At Paulson's request
He created a mess
And sold it to bank IBK

-Joshua Brown


Burning Documents Create Giant Smoke Plume over Goldman Sachs

Andy Borowitz


With apologies to John Collins Bossidy

And this is good old Gotham,
The home of the rich and the odd.
Where Morgan talks only to Goldman,
And Goldman talks only to God.

-Andrew Stanton

[Apr 19, 2010] How Lou Lucido Let AIG Lose $35 Billion With Goldman Sachs CDOs - BusinessWeek

The CDO's maturity date is 2039, so any declaration of success is premature, said Rutledge of R&R Consulting.

"A man who jumps off a 100-story building can pass the 98th floor and say, 'So far, so good,'" she said.

[Apr 18, 2010] "Goldman Sachs Are Scum-" Max Keiser on Goldman Sachs From July 2009

What amazes me is that some investors are just now realizing squid was selling them short.

Why, these derivatives were SO complex that the poor Goldman management barely understood them themselves. They were tricked by Paulson. Tourre is a rogue trader. Bernie Madoff ate their Series 7 cheatsheets. Compliance was seconded to the Riviera. Lloyd was busy doing missionary work in Bangkok. More regulation will just hurt the recovery.

[Apr 17, 2010] Goldman Sachs is disappointed…' by Paul Murphy

"I liked squid's "we lost $90Mn and only made $15Mn in fees'" is nice joke that Blanstein can try to tell Tee Party supported any time he chose. Those guys have great sense of humor.
on Apr 16 21:26. 6 comments.

There's got to be a sick squid joke in here somewhere.

David Rift

There is even a song to go with the story - a rework of one from the Broadway show The Producers entitled "Bet Against the American Dream" -

[Apr 01, 2010] Lloyd Blankfein Time Man Of The Year " The Baseline Scenario By Simon Johnson, co-author of 13 Bankers: The Wall Street Takeover and the Next Financial Meltdown

In a surprise announcement earlier this morning, Time Magazine brought forward its annual "Man of the Year" award – and conferred this honor on Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs. April 1st apparently is at least 7 months earlier than anyone else has ever won this award, since it began in 1927.

As the award has previously been conferred on controversial figures (including Joseph Stalin in 1942 and Mrs. Simpson in 1936), Time also saw fit to issue a statement clarifying Mr. Blankfein's merits,

"[Goldman is] very important. [They] help companies to grow by helping them to raise capital. Companies that grow create wealth. This, in turn, allows people to have jobs that create more growth and more wealth. It's a virtuous cycle. [They] have a social purpose."

A spokesperson for Goldman responded quickly,

"It was always clear to us that had [Lloyd not won], it would have been quite disruptive to the world's financial markets. We would have had to spend money, other people would have had to replace transactions as well. Generally for us, volatility is good for our trading business, however it would not have been good for the financial markets as a whole, so it would not have been good for our business…We would not have been affected directly by our exposure to [him], but the world's financial system would have been affected…there would have been no losses vis a vis our credit exposure."

Now it seems the Nobel Peace Prize Committee feels pressed to follow suit. Their statement just released in Oslo begins,

"The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided that the Nobel Peace Prize for [2010] is to be awarded to President [Lloyd Blankfein] for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. The Committee has attached special importance to [Blankfein]'s vision of and work for a world without [credit derivatives]."

There may be more to this story. According to the website Market News Video, "Goldman recently upgraded Norway-based oil and gas company Statoil (STO) from neutral to buy, and even put the stock it on its conviction buy list". And Goldman has long predicted that oil prices would hit $200 per barrel – a forecast that has greatly helped buoy Norway's public finances and restrain pressures to join the eurozone.

In a conference call, David Viniar (Goldman's CFO) scoffed at the idea of a connection between the firm's market activities and Mr. Blankfein's recent slew of prizes,

"We had no material exposure to [Norway]."

Mr.Viniar further remarked, somewhat enigmatically,

"We also have taxpayer money at GS and it's our responsibility not to lose it."

He did not, however, clarify to which country's taxpayers he was referring – nor how exactly Goldman got its hands on their money.

Meanwhile, there are persistent unconfirmed rumors that Mr. Blankfein is the front-runner to win the Pillsbury Bake-Off.

This would be controversial, as we are still 10 days away from the competition itself and Mr. Blankfein is not one of the named finalists.

Still, Mr. Blankfein did recently win the Financial Times 2009 Person of the Year award – despite also being at the same time "a keen judge for the Financial Times and Goldman Sachs Business Book of the Year Award."

In fall 2009 Mr. Blankfein had seemed to commit to stop fixing the results of various kinds of competitions that are widely believed to be free and fair – like the stock market:

"We participated in things that were clearly wrong and have reason to regret. We apologize."

But there may be divergent views within Mr. Blankfein's own senior management team. David Viniar, for one, is holding to a harder line.

With regard to what happened in the basketball gold medal game at the Vancouver Olympics, he was quite firm:

"There's no guilt whatsoever."


Dr. Blankfein or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love Goldman Sachs – excerpts

April 1, 2010

"The Financial Crisis was a Hoax. The global casino is open again.

No worries! You actually believed there was a problem when Paulson and Bernanke threatened Congress last year with Martial Law; to blast the U.S. economy back to the 16th century; to crash the market unless ransom was paid requiring each American to fork over $100,000, give or take, in impossible-to-payback future loans today to add to the hundreds of thousands of dollars each American already owes forever?

HAHAHA. It's all good, bro. Goldman Sachs and the other cruel sisters of syphilitic lending are reporting huge profits and bonuses….All efforts to remove the investment banking tapeworm from our collective colon have failed, but that's a good thing. We poked the monster….and made it angrier and greedier in ways never thought possible and daddy's feeling fine. Ain't no audit going on at the Fed, bud. I'm so happy I could just plotz. You're gonna LOVE what happens next. Insatiable greed meets infinite moral hazard when Goldman eats the Fed.

High Frequency Trading (HFT) aka 'flash trading' will continue to grow exponentially. Trading will become so fast, time itself will have a public offering after Microsoft secures a patent on it and trading time futures will catapult traders backwards and forwards through time until they need bailouts on debts they have not yet incurred.

Cloning time traders will get Congressional approval confusing the boundary between time and money further causing Warren Buffet to pass a kidney stone that looks exactly like Larry Ellison. Time Bandits will steal the DNA of time trading clones and sell the proprietary code to a Japanese housewife who will use it to crash the Icelandic Krona (again) because she thinks she's over paying for a plate of sushi in Reykjavik.

Thanks Lloyd Blankfein, current CEO of Goldman Sachs and future President of the United States. We are eternally in your debt."

[Mar 17, 2010] About That Seemingly Irrational Need for Bonuses...

Psychopath: A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse.
Jesse's Café Américain

[Feb 28, 2010] Rubin to be Grilled by Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission

naked capitalism

"financial innovation" ... "finding legal ways to do things that used to be illegal under the old rules."

[Feb 28, 2010] Ben Bernanke Responds To Why Goldman Sachs Needs Fed VaR Exemption, And Other Questions zero hedge

BlackBeard :

blah blah blah we're corrupt - The End.


blah blah blah, we're corrupt, our puppetmasters are making money - The End


blah blah blah, we're corrupt, our puppetmasters are making money, we'll get jobs at GS soon - The End

Zippyin Annapolis:

Translation: we know VaR doesn't work at all and that it is a starting point for doing something that we just cannot describe and takes a long time not to describe. But boy is it Good! Trust us--we are the Federal Reserve Bank!


Ok, now I've finished reading and I am confused. Here's why:

1. It seems like this letter just intimated that there is fundementally no difference between sound lending to small businesses and first time home owners, and walking into a casino with an eightball in one hand and a hooker's ass in the other.

2. It appears that these "BHC's" were going to get a full years worth of access to the benefits of being a commercial bank before they ever had to produce any evidence that they were adhering to the requirements for being one.

3. How could it possibly take a year for regulators to realize what goldman's business model was? They all frickin worked there

[Feb 27, 2010] Get Goldman

And now, Bernanke.

"We are looking into a number of questions related to Goldman Sachs and other companies and their derivatives arrangements with Greece.

MoneyMarketExpert :

The Squid has been betrayed by Ben!

[Feb 25, 2010] Goldman To Advise Greece On the Sale of Strategic Assets to Avert Debt Crisis

And then come the jackals...

Note: obviously this is a cartoon, and Greece is not selling the Parthenon, yet.

[Feb 21, 2010] Abby Cohen Sees S&P 500 Fair Value at 1,250 to 1,300"

Goldman pigs dust her off again. Does this mean that the stock crash is near ? ;-)

Bloomberg BusinessWeek

The Standard & Poor's 500 Index may rise to between 1,250 and 1,300, said Abby Joseph Cohen, the Goldman Sachs Group Inc. strategist known for calling the bull market in the 1990s.

"We do think the market overall is likely undervalued," Cohen, 57, said on Bloomberg Radio. "The recession is over and has been over for several months.

[Feb 21, 2010] "How Could I Be So Selfish and So Foolish"

Were Lloyd and Jamie and the pigmen of Wall Street and Washington taking notes during Tiger Woods' apology?


[Feb 18, 2010] Wray- Memo to Greece- Make War, Not Love, With Goldman Sachs

naked capitalism

Where we disagree with Johnson and Boone is the suggestion that the IMF be brought in to craft a solution. Any help from this organization will come with tight strings attached-indeed, with a noose around Greece's neck. Germany and France would be crazy to commit their scarce euros to a bail-out of Greece since they face both internal threats from their own taxpayers and external threats from financial vampires who are looking for yet another nation to attack.

Here's a more appropriate action: declare war on Goldman Sachs and other global financial firms that created this mess. Send the troops, the planes, the tanks, and the ships. Attack every outpost of the saboteurs on European soil. Blockade the airports and ports. Make Wall Street traders and CEOs fear for their lives, or at least for their freedom to travel. Build some Guantanamo-like facility to hold these enemy financial combatants until they can be tried, convicted, and properly punished.

Ok, if a literal armed attack on Goldman is too far-fetched, then go after the firm using the full force of the regulatory and legal systems. Close the offices and go through the files with a fine-tooth comb. Issue subpoenas to all non-clerical staff for court appearances. Make the internal emails public. Post the names of all managers and traders on Interpol. Arrest anyone who tries to board a plane, train, or boat; confiscate their passports; revoke their visas and work permits; and put a hold on their bank accounts until culpability can be assessed. Make life at least as miserable for them as it now is for Europe's tens of millions of unemployed workers.

Independent Accountant :

If Greece declares war on the Vampire Squid, it should have no problem raising an army. Tens, perhaps, hundreds of thousands of American peasants will come, pitchforks in hand, to do battle. Greece can easily form a modern Abraham Lincoln Brigade in the US.


However, in an ironic twist of fate, it was just announced that Petros Christodoulou will take over as the head of Greece's national debt management agency. He worked as the head of derivatives at JP Morgan, and also previously worked at Goldman-the firm that got Greece into all this trouble!

[Feb 15, 2010] Goldman Goes Rogue – Special European Audit To Follow

GS does is financial three card monty of one kind or another...
The Baseline Scenario

...Goldman will probably be blacklisted from working with eurozone governments for the foreseeable future; as was the case with Salomon Brothers 20 years ago, Goldman may be on its way to be banned from some government securities markets altogether.


Now remember, these guys take home 7- and 8-figure bonuses every year for "making the global economy more efficient".


Enron, Fastow, Arthur Anderson, deja vu all over agian.

[Feb 10, 2010] God's work: Somebody pushed AIG out a window, to collect the insurance.

This was no accident, no act of God. No unforeseen mishap, no simple miscalculation.

Somebody pushed AIG out a window, to collect the insurance. Then they saw the opportunity to extort billions from the Congress and a Presidency in transition by bringing the financial system to the point of collapse. And they took it. And somebody knows who and how they did it.

[Feb 09, 2010] The Blankfein bonus $9m in stock (updated)

FT Alphaville

williambanzai7 | February 7 3:29pm | Permalink
| Options
(My Way, Frank Sinatra)

And now the end is near
And so I face the final subprime curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state a quantitative case of which I'm absolutely certain

I've lived a Wall Street bankster life that's full
I've swindled each and every way but sideways
And more, much more than this
I scammed them my way

Regrets I've hedged a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I wanted to do
And did it through SEC exemptions

I planned each toxic course
Each innovative step along the ponzi highway
And more, much more than this
I scammed them my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When we bought more securitised shlock than we could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I jacked the Fed and got bailed out, I escaped Lehman's final call
And I stood tall and scammed them my way

I've loved, I've laughed and lately cried
I've had my fill, my share of bankster screwing
And now as the Federal subsidies subside
I find it all slightly less than amusing

To think I did God's work
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I scammed them my way

For what is a Wall Street con man what has he got
If not $100 million bonus bucks then he has not
To see the things he truly steals
And the words of a slippery Wall Street eel
The record shows I took the populist blows
And scammed them my way

Yes it was my way...

[Feb 01, 2010] Dear Wall Street: We're sorry

January 26, 2010 | Yahoo

Sorry always seems the hardest thing to say.

But isn't a big apology exactly what we owe Wall Street today?

We've foolishly given the financial industry a trillion dollars in support of its balance sheets and markets. We did so even though the big banks and brokerages clearly didn't need or want our help. Things were just fine in September 2008, but then we had to go and stick our noses into the world of high finance.

Now, we're making matters worse by trying to tell them how much to pay their people, how much risk they can take and what businesses are kosher. Suddenly, we feel we're better bankers than the bankers. We know to whom they should be lending. We have strong opinions about what they do with our money.

We're sorry about that.

We're sorry that we want strong control of our money supply. We regret that we want to have government protection of our deposits, our checking accounts, mortgages and credit cards. Maybe it's our simpleton ways. We get nervous when we lose our jobs and have to sell our homes at a discount to eat.

That's our bad.

The fact is Wall Street has done as masterful job of handling these accounts. And we should acknowledge that the overdraft fees, escalating interest rates and calamity in the mortgage market are really our fault, not the banks'.

It's funny that Lloyd Blankfein, the chief executive of Goldman Sachs Group (GS) should have to keep apologizing for his firm's success. He said that given hindsight Goldman would have done things a lot differently. Goldman engaged in "improper" behavior, he said. But when he made those comments Jan. 14, he wasn't talking about the bets Goldman made against toxic mortgage securities it was selling clients. That's the lord's work after all.

I think I speak for everyone when I write, sorry Lloyd, I don't know how we got that one confused. I guess that's why they pay you the big bucks ($68.5 million in 2007).

[Feb 01, 2010] Lloyd Blankfein -- $100 Million Man


If Larry Summers was worth $5.2 M for an alleged one day of work a week to DE Shaw, who knows what Mr. Blankfein is "worth"?


Don't you whining peasants understand that we live in a different reality than you do. You are swarming crawling ants in the dirt, and we are gods that stride the earth like giants. What can an ant even say to a giant? When you scream, we hear nothing.

-Jolly B. Banksterino, Director of Something that Requires Talent and Going to Meetings Alot, LLC, LLD, BYOB

[Dec 16, 2009] Abby Joseph Cohen is bullish! by Tim Iacono

It's pretty symbolic that they dusted off this symbol of dot-com excesses ? Probably as philipat notes "Watch out all, this means that Goldie is on the sell side."
The Big Picture

Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't see that one coming. Goldman Sachs senior investment strategist Abby Joseph Cohen thinks that stocks are going higher.

At the 14th annual USA Today Investment Roundtable, Cohen noted that the current stock market picture is "muddled", but "nicer", and still "a reasonably good environment" for investors.

She added that most people "are taking the point of view that the period of maximum risk has passed, but we do have risks ahead. It is more normal, but it is not normal."

Based on this, I'd say things are definitely back to "normal"…


Watch out all, this means that Goldie is on the sell side.


You all are cold. Abby and Paul Tudor Jones are the same person. He does the bear side, then changes outfits and she does the bull side.

[Dec 13, 2009] Paulson's Statement on Freddie and Fannie with a Nearly Simultaneous Translation

September 07, 2008 | Jesse's Café Américain

Paulson's Statement on Freddie and Fannie with a Nearly Simultaneous Translation

Some significant excerpts From Mr. Paulson's statment with our irreverent "follow the money" interpretation and a very few gratuitous remarks:

"Based on what we have learned about these institutions over the last four weeks - including what we learned about their capital requirements - and given the condition of financial markets today, I concluded that it would not have been in the best interest of the taxpayers for Treasury to simply make an equity investment in these enterprises in their current form."

Fannie and Freddie were so hopelessly insolvent, and the widening in the spreads so alarming, that the major players, whom we faithfully serve, were concerned that the Credit Default Swaps would start to come into play, risking the banking system. A secondary but important consideration was the anger of the major sovereign nations whom we have financially compromised in general, selling them enormous tranches of GSE debt with 'implicit' guarantees.

"Therefore, the primary mission of these enterprises now will be to proactively work to increase the availability of mortgage finance, including by examining the guaranty fee structure with an eye toward mortgage affordability."

We needed another waste bin to place the bad debt and policy errors and JP Morgan was getting full.

"...the GSEs will modestly increase their MBS portfolios through the end of 2009. Then, to address systemic risk, in 2010 their portfolios will begin to be gradually reduced at the rate of 10 percent per year, largely through natural run off, eventually stabilizing at a lower, less risky size."

The debt will be monetized until the dollar falls from sheer exhaustion. (Have you ever known ANY government program with lots of influential recipients on both sides of the political spectrum to be reduced in size? This is not just a policy statement; it is a political IQ test.)

"First, Treasury and FHFA have established Preferred Stock Purchase Agreements, contractual agreements between the Treasury and the conserved entities. Under these agreements, Treasury will ensure that each company maintains a positive net worth. These agreements support market stability by providing additional security and clarity to GSE debt holders - senior and subordinated...This commitment will eliminate any mandatory triggering of receivership and will ensure that the conserved entities have the ability to fulfill their financial obligations."

The Debt Holders will be paid as close to face value as is feasible. PIMCO, the People's Republic of China, and the Credit Default Swaps players will be happy as the default spreads contract and the potential losses from this enormous Ponzi scheme recede into the future when it will be more convenient to blame this mess on someone else based on some event.

"It is more efficient than a one-time equity injection, because it will be used only as needed and on terms that Treasury has set."

Our cronies are going to bang this gong until the public's ears ring and the dollar reaches near collapse.

"Treasury receives senior preferred equity shares and warrants that protect taxpayers. Additionally, under the terms of the agreement, common and preferred shareholders bear losses ahead of the new government senior preferred shares."

Despite the brave face that Wall Street may wish to put forward on this, the common and preferred shareholders are going to be thrown overboard, and all holders of the dollar are going to absorb significant losses, but it may take some time.

"Market discipline is best served when shareholders bear both the risk and the reward of their investment. While conservatorship does not eliminate the common stock, it does place common shareholders last in terms of claims on the assets of the enterprise."

(Rightfully so. We'd like to see a haircut provided to the debt holders as well though, especially the arbitrageurs like Pimco that loaded up on GSE debt expecting a bailout. They are not being saved; they are being rewarded.)

"Similarly, conservatorship does not eliminate the outstanding preferred stock, but does place preferred shareholders second, after the common shareholders, in absorbing losses. The federal banking agencies are assessing the exposures of banks and thrifts to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. The agencies believe that, while many institutions hold common or preferred shares of these two GSEs, only a limited number of smaller institutions have holdings that are significant compared to their capital."

The Wall Street banks have long envied and resented the competition of Fannie and Freddie on 'their turf.' The regional banks are annoying. This can be a win all for Wall Street in that they get to claim another big chunk of the pie, hit the public money for significant gains, and eliminate rivals.

"The agencies encourage depository institutions to contact their primary federal regulator if they believe that losses on their holdings of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac common or preferred shares, whether realized or unrealized, are likely to reduce their regulatory capital below "well capitalized."

Your friendly government is ready and waiting to help you. heh heh Just don't let the public know you are in trouble.

"Preferred stock investors should recognize that the GSEs are unlike any other financial institutions and consequently GSE preferred stocks are not a good proxy for financial institution preferred stock more broadly."

Only buy preferred stocks recommended to you by Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, or preferably Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley preferred debt itself. We need to recapitalize.

"The second step Treasury is taking today is the establishment of a new secured lending credit facility which will be available to Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and the Federal Home Loan Banks."

We are going to be monetizing our way out of this fiasco, make no mistake. (It will be interesting to see if this money comes directly from the Treasury or the NY Fed. This is not incidental, it is important because it will tell us how many RPMs the printing machine has at the top end.)

"Treasury is initiating a temporary program to purchase GSE MBS... Treasury will begin this new program later this month, investing in new GSE MBS. Additional purchases will be made as deemed appropriate. Given that Treasury can hold these securities to maturity, the spreads between Treasury issuances and GSE MBS indicate that there is no reason to expect taxpayer losses from this program, and, in fact, it could produce gains. This program will also expire with the Treasury's temporary authorities in December 2009."

Here's the money shot. Direct monetization of private debt by Treasury. Cry havoc and bend the Buck over the washtubs.

"Because the GSEs are in conservatorship, they will no longer be managed with a strategy to maximize common shareholder returns, a strategy which historically encouraged risk-taking."

This is making our intent very obvious for all you Harvard business grads out there.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are so large and so interwoven in our financial system that a failure of either of them would cause great turmoil in our financial markets here at home and around the globe. This turmoil would directly and negatively impact household wealth: from family budgets, to home values, to savings for college and retirement. A failure would affect the ability of Americans to get home loans, auto loans and other consumer credit and business finance. And a failure would be harmful to economic growth and job creation."

All the financial dons have agreed to this. They expect the foot soldiers to say nice things about it, and how necessary it is to our well-being. The usual sanctions of omerta apply. And we do not wish to hear any talk about Moral hazard and especially any whistle-blowing.

"...our collective work is not complete. At the end of next year, the Treasury temporary authorities will expire, the GSE portfolios will begin to gradually run off, and the GSEs will begin to pay the government a fee to compensate taxpayers for the on-going support provided by the Preferred Stock Purchase Agreements. Together, these factors should give momentum and urgency to the reform cause...Because the GSEs are Congressionally-chartered, only Congress can address the inherent conflict of attempting to serve both shareholders and a public mission. The new Congress and the next Administration must decide what role government in general, and these entities in particular, should play in the housing market."

Reform THIS you bleeding hearts.

"there are ways to structure these entities in order to address market stability in the transition and limit systemic risk and conflict of purposes for the long-term."

Here is the Goldman Sachs managed accounts form. Please review it carefully and sign at the places indicated.

Full Text of Paulson's Remarks on Freddie and Fannnie Takeover

[Dec 6, 2009] Goldman bonuses

The reality of "Audacity of hope"

[Dec 1, 2009] Goldman Staff Packing Pistols to Defend Against Peasants


I would like to know how a GS banker can possibly even be considered for a gun permit if one of the requirements is that he be of "good character".


In the spirit of calling a spade, why not from now on refer to them as Gunmen Sachs

Ralph Cioffi, Matthew Tannin Verdict Ex-Bear Stearns Hedge Fund Managers NOT GUILTY On All Fraud Charges

Two Bear Stearns executives who ran hedge funds that collapsed after betting heavily on the shaky subprime mortgage market were acquitted Tuesday of lying to investors – a defeat in the government's bid to punish fraud exposed by the financial crisis.

A jury in federal court in Brooklyn deliberated about eight hours over two days before finding Ralph Cioffi and Matthew Tannin not guilty of conspiracy and other charges in an alleged scheme that cost 300 investors about $1.6 billion and nearly caused the demise of Bear Stearns itself. The firm avoided bankruptcy in a rescue buyout by JPMorgan Chase & Co.

[Jul 29, 2009] Bashing Goldman Sachs Is Simply a Game for Fools by Michael Lewis

Humor aside, the way GS is making profits (excessive trading and pyramid lending is nothing but a way to extract cash pumped in by the government ) at the time when economy is in the downturn is perverse and, well, not entirely honest. The clawback provision in Sarbanes-Oxley should probably be used on GS executives including Paulson.
July 28, 2006 | Bloomberg

...America stands at a crossroads, and Goldman Sachs now owns both of them. In choosing which road to take, ordinary Americans must not be distracted by unproductive resentment toward the toll-takers. To that end we at Goldman Sachs would like to dispel several false and insidious rumors.

Rumor No. 1: "Goldman Sachs controls the U.S. government."

Every time we hear the phrase "the United States of Goldman Sachs" we shake our heads in wonder. Every ninth-grader knows that the U.S. government consists of three branches. Goldman owns just one of these outright; the second we simply rent, and the third we have no interest in at all. (Note there isn't a single former Goldman employee on the Supreme Court.)

What small interest we maintain in the U.S. government is, we feel, in the public interest. Our current financial crisis has its roots in a single easily identifiable source: the envy others felt toward Goldman Sachs.

The bozos at Merrill Lynch, the dimwits at Citigroup, the nimrods at Lehman Brothers, the louts at Bear Stearns, even that momentarily useful lunatic Joe Cassano at AIG -- all of these people took risks that no non-Goldman person should ever take, in a pathetic attempt to replicate Goldman's financial returns.

For too long we have allowed others to emulate us. Now we are working productively with Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and the Congress to ensure that we alone are allowed to take the sort of risks that might destroy the financial system.

Rumor No. 2: "When the U.S. government bailed out AIG, and paid off its gambling debts, it saved not AIG but Goldman Sachs."

... ... ...

Rumor No. 3: "As the U.S. government will eat the losses if Goldman Sachs goes bust, Goldman Sachs shouldn't be allowed to keep making these massive financial bets.

... ... ...

Rumor No. 4: "Goldman employees all look alike."

... ... ...

Rumor No. 5: Goldman Sachs is "a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money."

... ... ...

Those words are of course taken from a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine and they are transparently false.

For starters, the vampire squid doesn't feed on human flesh. Ergo, no vampire squid would ever wrap itself around the face of humanity, except by accident. And nothing that happens at Goldman Sachs -- nothing that Goldman Sachs thinks, nothing that Goldman Sachs feels, nothing that Goldman Sachs does -- ever happens by accident.

(Michael Lewis is a columnist for Bloomberg News and the author of "Liar's Poker," "Moneyball" and "The Blind Side," soon to be a major motion picture. The opinions expressed are his own.)

[Jul 16, 2009 ] Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department

Borowitz Report

Sister Entities to Share Employees, Money

In what some on Wall Street are calling the biggest blockbuster deal in the history of the financial sector, Goldman Sachs confirmed today that it was in talks to acquire the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

According to Goldman spokesperson Jonathan Hestron, the merger between Goldman and the Treasury Department is "a good fit" because "they're in the business of printing money and so are we."

The Goldman spokesman said that the merger would create efficiencies for both entities: "We already have so many employees and so much money flowing back and forth, this would just streamline things."

Mr. Hestron said the only challenge facing Goldman in completing the merger "is trying to figure out which parts of the Treasury Dept. we don't already own."

Goldman recently celebrated record earnings by roasting a suckling pig over a bonfire of hundred-dollar bills.

Elsewhere, conspiracy theorists celebrated the 40th anniversary of NASA faking the moon landing.

And in South Carolina, Gov. Mark Sanford gave his wife a new diamond ring, while his wife gave him an electronic ankle bracelet.

Recommended Links


"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?"

- Jay Leno

So let the word go forth, Goldman may still fuck you over, but from now on, they themselves will refer to it as making sweet sweet love to you.

- Jon Stewart (Goldman clip)

Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out."

- Jay Leno

"Why are government employees filing a civil suit against Goldman Sachs?
That's just going to be embarrassing in a few years when they all go back to work at Goldman Sachs,"

Stephen Colbert



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Last modified: March 12, 2019