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Contents Bulletin Scripting in shell and Perl Network troubleshooting History Humor

ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT?

Computer Humor Collection Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society Classic Computer Humor "Linux Sucks" Humor Collection Best Russian Programmer Humor Top 10 Classic Unix Humor Stories
ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? Object oriented programmers of all nations -- encapsulate BSD Logo Story The Cuckoo's Egg The Evolution of a Programmer, from High School to CEO The Perl Purity Test THE TOP 25 THINGS PROGRAMMERS SAY

Softpanorama 1993, vol. 5, No. 9

Softpanorama 1993, Vol.5 No.9 (49) *** HUMOR ***  Compiled by N. Bezrukov
========================================================================

ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT?

1. Do you own a modem? (if the answer is NO, STOP! read no further. Anyone who would use a borrowed modem to access a BBS may one day be a BBS addict, but is not one at this time.)

2. Is your modem 1200 baud or higher? (c'mon now, another obvious question, but one that has to be asked...we have to weed out the fakes here.)

3. No matter what baud modem you own, (even 9600) do you wish you had one that was faster?

4. Have you used your modem in the past week?

5. In the past 24 hours?

6. In the past 30 minutes?

7. Do you regularly call more than 5 BBSs.

8. More than 10?

9. Have you filled up your entire dialing directory and call them ALL?

10. Are your phone bills regularly over $100 a month?

11. Over $300?

12. Over $500?

13. Is there any other monthly bill that you pay higher than your phone bill?

14. Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS?

15. Do you tell yourself after receiving a phone bill that you will cut back on your long distance BBSing, and end up subscribing to Dial-a Visit instead?

16. Do you leave long tearful announcements on LD BBSs telling everyone that you will no longer be calling because you cannot afford to, and then check back every 3 or 4 days anyway, "just to see if anyone left me any mail?"

17. Does your phone company send you hand written thank-you notes?

18. When you return from vacation, do you get a call from your phone company, asking if everything is all right?

19. Do you find yourself taking naps so that you can be awake and refreshed for a late-night BBS session?

20. Have you ever cancelled a date cause he/she wants a late night dinner when the phone rates are lowest?

21. Do you call during the morning hours, knowing the rates are the highest with the excuse that "at least I will be able to get on?"

22. Is your spouse ready to oil the keyboard to get rid of that annoying late night 'clickety clack' ?

23. Do you ever sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch?

24. Have you suddenly discovered that you can touch type from all those BBS sessions done in the dark?

25. What else can you do in the dark?

26. Do you cringe when you see lightning coming your way and rush to unplug your modem from the wall?

27. Do you continue your BBS session anyway because you are in the middle of a 1200 block download at 1200 buad...and you are willing to take your chances?

28. Do you own a back-up generator so you can run your computer even when the power company can't?

29. Do you have a complicated set of air motion devices hanging all around your computer and modem, because you never turn them off?

30. Have you ever logged on to a BBS, and then realize that you have no idea what city, state, or country it is in?

31. Can you log onto a BBS, Browse, and log off without ever having to turn the monitor on?

32. Can your spouse spot you in a crowd from the back of your head?

33. Is there a worn spot in the rug in front of the computer?

34. Are the words ON LINE burnt into the screen?

35. Do you know your modem initialization string by heart.

36. Do you consider your self a militant non techie, yet you still know enough to be able to change the string to make the computer run silently?

37. Do you know more about what is going on in the lives of the people in the BBS community than you do about the people you live with?

38. Do you order disks in lots of 100 or more?

39. Have you recently bought a hard drive cause you are tired of messing with floppy disks all the time?

40. ...And then discovered that the hard drive you just bought is not going to be big enough for your library of files, and you are going to have to use diskettes anyway?

41. Does your hard drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you call?

42. Do you actually use any of those files?

43. Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call?

44. Have you had to install yet another phone line into your house, because no one can reach you cause the phone is busy all the time?

45. Have you ever put a BBS on redial, and patiently waited hours to get on?

46. ...And suddenly be struck with an URGENT need to use the bathroom just as the words CONNECT appear on the screen?

47. Do you make it a point to call a sysop whose BBS is down, even if it is 4:00 in the morning?

48. Do you have 9 zillion copies of your terminal program...just in case one of them crashes?

49. Do you page sysops into chat, even though you see the message 'sysop is not available' again and again, just because you think that maybe he will make an exception for you?

50. Do sysops hate you and wish lightning would fry your modem?

51. Do you run over to your computer the instant you wake up in the morning, to see what is going on in BBSland...before you've even taken a piss?

52. Are you late for work/school in the morning because you insist on answering all 235 net mail messages you've received...all consisting of one word replies?

53. Have you forgotten how to turn on your TV because its been so long since you have watched any?

54. Do you still own a TV?

55. Have you ever found yourself talking on the phone at the same time you are in chat with another person on the computer.

56. ...With the same person?

57. Are you a sysop? (the ultimate BBS addict)

58. As a sysop, have you had to go out and buy another computer because otherwise no one would be able to reach your BBS anyway?

59. Do you ever call your own BBS?

60. Do you call your own BBS from another computer while sitting in the same house?

61. ...From the same room?

62. Do you advertise your BBS in the local paper's classified section?

63. Do you advertise your BBS on business cards?

64. Are you a co-sysop on any other BBS?

65. ..On any out of state boards?

66. Have you been a sysop for more than 6 months

67. More than a year?

68. More than 3 years?

69. As a sysop, do you enjoy chatting so much that you have been known to answer the page at 3 am?

70. Do you drag unsuspecting users into chat...whether they paged you or not?

71. Have you ever started a late night chat with a user, and the next thing you know, the sun is rising?

72. Variation: Have you ever started a late night chat with a user, and the next thing you know you are face down on the keyboard, with the words "press any key to continue" flashing on your screen.

73. Do you upload copies of a log-on scrip file to all the area boards so that no one will have an excuse NOT to call your BBS?

74. Do you promise your spouse that you WILL spend more time with the family, but then find yourself jumping up to answer the sysop page, even in the middle of that special video tape rented just for the two of you?

75. Do you still have a spouse?

76. After reading through all these questions, do you get the feeling that you might have a little BBS addiction problem?

77. In spite of that knowledge, do you realize you will never get to any of the modems anonymous meetings, cause you can't pull yourself away from the computer long enough to attend?

78. Do you find that more and more of the people you socialize with are BBS addicts just like you, cause no one else seems to understand ANYTHING you are talking about lately?

*************************************************************************

Well there you have it....and contrary to the rumors currently circulating, I did NOT receive a perfect score on this test! Jean

Written Sept. 1989 with a little help from my friends...thanks guys!

Call THE FRENCH CONNECTION  914-344-1255  24 hours 1200 baud
Sysop: Jean Beit-Halahmi
did not receive a score of 78 on this test!


Etc

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