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IBM Humor

Tivoli Certifications

Russia and IBM

IBM Global Network

M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.

"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."

Computer Humor Tale of the IBM vs Microsoft Programmers

Three Microsoft software engineers and three IBM software engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three IBM software engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Microsoft software engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the IBM programmers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Microsoft programmer.

They all board the train. The IBM software engineers take their respective seats but all three Microsoft software engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The IBM software engineers witness all this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the IBMers decide to copy the Microsofties on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Microsoft programmers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the perplexed IBM employees.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Microsoft programmers.

When they board the train the three IBM programmers cram into the first restroom they can. The three Microsoft programmers pile into another one nearby. Shortly thereafter, the train leaves the station.

After a brief interval, one of the Microsoft software engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the IBM programmers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

[14 May 1994]Todd's Humor Archive IBM enhanced instruction set (fwd) by Poivre

PROPOSED ADDITIONS TO THE IBM INSTRUCTION SET IBM Intrepid Use Only

IBM Model 3090/69 Features & Assembler Language Commands

AAAH           Add And Automatically Halt
AARTZ          Add And Reset To Zero
ABC            Abdicate Basic Compiler
ACM            Automatically Clear Memory
ADN            Ad Nauseam
ADN            Add Naseum
AIM            Add Improper
BAH            Branch And Hang
BBBAB          Bite Baudy Bit And Branch
BBC            Branch Before Compare
BBT            Branch on Binary Tree
BBW            Branch Both Ways
BCEGR          Branch on CE Ground
BEW            Branch Either Way
BH             Branch and Hang
BKCRDR         Backspace Card Reader
BKSPD          Backspace Disk
BKTPR          Break Tape Reverse
BLMNF          BLow MaiN Fuse
BLPIN          Branch and LooP INdefinite
BMR            Branch Multiple Registers
BNEV           Branch NEVer
BOB            Branch On Bug
BOBI           Branch On Blinking Indicator
BOBOI          Branch On Burned-Out Indicator
BOC            Branch OCcasionally
BOCBF          Branch On Chip-Box Full
BOD            Beat On Drum
BOI            Byte Operator Immediately
BOPLT          Burn Out Pilot LighTs
BOPO           Branch On Power Off
BOSO           Branch On Sleepy Operator
BOV            Burn Out Vdu
BOXMS          Branch On Index Missing
BPDI           Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
BPE            Bypass Program Error
BPECK          ByPass Error ChecK
BPO            Branch on Power Off
BRPCB          BuRP and Clear Bytes
BRST           BRanch SomeTimes
BSCH           Burst Select CHannel
BST            Backspace and Stretch Tape
BYCRE          BYpass CoRE
BYTRN          BYTe and RuN
CBS            Crash Bothersome Source-code
CCS            Chinese Character Set
CDHI           Crash Disk Head Immediate
CEMU           Close Eyes and Monkey with User space
CIRM           Circulate Memory
CLBR           CLobber ReGister
CLBRI          CLobber ReGister Immediately
CM             Circulate Memory
CMBG           Create Machine Bug
CNFM           Confuse Memory
CNFOP          Confuse Operator
CPPR           Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRB            CRash and Burn
CRDT           CReate Data
CTRNS          Convert To Roman Numerals
CU             Convert to Unary
CVUME          Cover Up Machine Errors
CZZC           Convert Zone to Zip Code
DABCM          Digit And Branch Converter Modifier
DAC            Divide And Conquer
DAMIT          Transfer Control to Perdition
DAO            Divide And Overflow
DC             divide and conquer
DCTCB          Dump Core To Chad Box
DDMWH          Dump Dim Map of Western Hemisphere
DESSPK         Destroy Storage Protect Key
DEVIA          Develop Ineffective Address
DITCK          Drop Into Check
DLTCR          Delete Core
DMC            Destroy Memory Chip
DMNS           Do what I Mean, Not what I Say
DMPK           Destroy Memory Protect Key
DNPG           Do Not Pass Go
DO             Divide and Overflow
DRPBTS         Drop Bits
DSTME          Destroy Memory
ECL            Early Card Lace
EDPMAB         Electrocute DP Manager And Branch
EIOC           Execute Invalid OpCode
EJCAB          Eject Chad Box
EJD            Eject Disk
EMPC           EMulate Pocket Calculator
EMU407         407 Emulation
EPE            Execute Program Error
EPI            Execute Programmer Immediately
EPMAS          Erase Protected Memory Areas
ERCDP          Erase Card Punch
ERCDS          Erase Cards
EROS           Erase Read-Only Storage
ERPTW          Erase Print Wheel
ERROS          Erase Read Only Storage
ESTOP          Emergency STOP  ** RESIST ALL EFFORTS TO RESTART **
ETCRD          Eat Card
EXIOC          Execute Invalid Op Code
EXOP           Execute Operator
EXPP           EXecute Political Prisoner
FDCDJ          Feed Card and Jam
FSKPRW         Forms Skip and Run Away
GFD            Go Forth and Divide
GFM            Go Forth and Multiply
GLPSB          Gulp and Store Bytes
GPAER          Generate Parity Error
HCF            Halt and Catch Fire  **  PRIVILEGED OPERATION  **
HCFC           Branch Before Compare
HCFR           Halt and Catch FiRe  **  PRIVILEGED OPERATION  **
HDLF           Hurl Disc Like Frisbee
IAI            Inquire And Ignore
IBP            Insert Bug and Proceed
IFKTR          Initiate Fake-out Routine
IGSPC          Ignore Supervisor Call
IIAH           Ignore Interrupt And Hang
IIB            Ignore Inquiry and Branch
IKC            Ignore Keyboard and Crash
ILLAND         Illogical AND
ILLOR          Illogical OR
ILPS           Invert Logical Power Supply
INC1401        1401 INCompatibility
INVRB          Invert Record and Branch
IOCSM          Input/Output Conversely Synchronized to Matrix
ITLKC          Interlock Core
JMKYP          Jam Keypunches
JMPNC          Punch
JRA            Jump to Random Address
JSRLR          Jump to SubRoutine and Lose return Address
LCC            Load and Clear Core
LGOWY          Load and Go Away
LMBR           Lose Message and Branch
LPCON          Loop Continuous
LUPGA          Loop Until Programmer Goes Away (in desperation)
MBF            Multiply and Be Fruitful
MDRBT          Move and Drop Bits
MKTIV          Make Tape Invalid
MLR            Move and Lose Record
MVCON          Move Continuous
MVLR           Move and Lose Record
MVWRC          Move and Wrap Core
NBC            Negate By Clearing
OOOH           Or Only On Half-hours
PBC            Print and Break Chain
PBS            Pop Before Stacking
PCHD           Punch Disk
PCHOP          Punch Operator
PD             Play Dead
PDKBN          Punch Disk Binary
PDOSI          Play Des O'Connor Song Immediate
PDSK           Punch Disk
PINV           Punch Invalid
POF            Print On Fly
POPI           Punch OPerator Immediately
PRANB          Pick up Random Bits
PRSMR          Print and Smear
PS*            Punch obscenity
PSD            Pause and Smoke Dope
PSP            Print and Shred Paper
PVLC           Punch Variable Length Card
RBAFG          Read Binary And Forget
RCDRD          Rewind Card Reader
RCDSCD         Read Card and Scramble Data
RCTKG          Read Count Key and Garbage
RD             Reverse Directions
RDBGG          Random Bug Generator  ** SPECIAL FEATURE **
RDBR           Read Bad Record
RDCBX          Read Chad Box
RDCHS          Read Chaos
RDIOST         Read-In Only Storage  ** SPECIAL FEATURE **
RDIRG          Read Inter Record Gap
RDNOR          Read Noise Record
RDS            ReaD Sideways
REDTH          Reduce Throughput
REIMT          Reinitialize Meter
REPAB          Reverse Parity And Branch
REWFR          Rewind Forward
RINV           Read Invalid
RIODNR         Rotate Input/Output Device Numbers Randomly
RIRG           Read Inter-Record Gap
RNR            Rather Not Run
ROLPR          Rewind On-Line Printer
RPBL           Read Print and Blush
RPI            Reverse Priority of Interrupts
RPLT           Read from Plotter
RPM            Read Programmer's Mind
RPTR           Read from Printer
RRR            Rotate Right Randomly
RSC            Read and Shred Card
RSD            on Read error Self Destruct
RSPP           Randomly Shred Printer Paper
RSTOM          Read from STore-Only Memory
RVDOD          Reverse Drum Or Disk
RVDRI          Reverse Drum Immediate
RWBKT          Rewind and Break Tape
RWCR           Rewind Card Reader
RWDSK          Rewind Disk
RWTOD          Rewind Tape Onto Disk
RWWRT          Read and Write While Ripping Tape
SADP           Stop And Demand Payrise
SARTZ          Subtract And Reset To Zero
SCCHS          Scramble Channels
SCDTA          Scatter Data
SCMRY          Scatter Memory
SCPR           Scatter Print
SCPSW          Scatter Program Status Word
SDI            Scratch Disc Immediate
SHAB           SHift A Bit
SHLBM          SHift a Little Bit More
SHLPN          SHarpen Light PeNcil
SKRSD          Seek Record and Scar Disk
SLD            Slip Disk
SMR            Skip on Meaningless Result
SMTACS         Shift Manual To Automatic and Check Stop
SOSAJ          Select Output Stacker And Jam
SOT            Sit On a Tack
SPRDK          Shuffle Program Deck
SPSW           Scramble Program Status Word
SPT            Scramble Protected Tapes
SQPC           Sit Quietly and Play with your Crayons
SRSD           Seek Record and Scar Disk
SRZ            Subtract and Reset to Zero
SSJ            Select Stacker and Jam
SST            Stop and Stretch Tape
STAB           Switch To Alternate Bedlam
STDR           Stop and Demand a Rest
STROM          STore in Read-Only Memory
STSLD          Stacker Select Disk
STTPB          Stretch Tape Binary
STUP           Stacker Upset
TADBT          Transfer And Drop Bits
TCLSR          Transfer Control and Lose Return
TCTDK          Transfer Control To Disk
TCTOL          Transfer Control To Overhead Lights
TCTPL          Transfer Control To Pilot Lights
TCTWS          Transfer Control To Wall Socket
TDB            Transfer and Drop Bits
TMTDK          Transfer Monitor To Disk
TPDEC          Triple Pack Decimal
TRAHG          Transfer And Hang
TRDB           Transfer And Drop Bits
TRSCH          Trap Secretary and Halt
UER            Update and Erase Record
UINDA          Use Inverse Digital Array
UNCPB          Uncouple CPUs and Branch
UPERR          Update and Erase Record
UPTR           Update Transaction
WBI            Water BInary tree
WCDR           Write CD-ROM
WCTKG          Write Count Key and Garbage
WEMG           Write Eighteen Minute Gap
WMTAE          Write Memory , Transfer, And Erase
WNOSR          Write Noise Record
WPM            Write Programmer's Mind
WRR            Write Random Record
WWRLR          Write Wrong Length Record
XMAS           eXclusive OR Main Areas of Storage
XSP            eXecute Systems Programmer
ZIPCD          Address of Memory .  Zip Code = 85281
ZIPEX          Address by Nine-Digit Zipcode


And Remember --- "On A Clear Disk You Can Seek Forever."


Etc

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