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Contents Bulletin Scripting in shell and Perl Network troubleshooting History Humor

George Carlin

News Skeptic Quotations Recommended Links

Talleyrand

John Kenneth Galbraith Napoleon Otto Von Bismarck War and Peace
George Bernard Shaw Oscar Wilde Propaganda Somerset Maugham Marx Ambrose Bierce Winston Churchill Skeptical Finance Quotes
Keynes Marcus Aurelius George Carlin Eric Hoffer Kurt Vonnegut Benito Mussolini Slackerism Quotes Mark Twain
Lenin Benjamin Franklin History Quotes Niccolo Machiavelli Antiwar Quotes George Orwell Joseph Stalin Reinhold Niebuhr
H. L. Mencken Peter Kropotkin Hemingway Sun Tzu Quotes Kiss Principle Perseverance Quotes Stanley Kubrick Henry A Wallace
François de La Rochefoucauld Latin Quotes C. Northcote Parkinson Fear and Courage Gore Vidall Ronald Reagan  Truth and Lie  Authority
Quotes about tact Shakespeare Quotes William James Bob Hope Thomas Jefferson Harry Trumen Education Quotes George Bernard Shaw
Quotes about Psychopaths Bushisms Quotes about Psychopaths Language Design and Programming Quotes SE quotes Einstein William James Democracy
Talkativeness and Gossip  Love and marriage quotes Liberty and Dissent Quotes about Wisdom Quotes about Russia and Russians Quotes About Corruption Humor Etc

Introduction

George Carlin is one of the bravest satirists who ever walked the earth. He was born May 12, 1937 and died June 22, 2008 at the age of 71 . He is well know social critic who used the art of black comedy. He is also know for insightful, "politically incorrect" thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, and religion. One newspaper called Carlin "the dean of counterculture comedians", who was hailed for his irreverent social commentary, poignant observations of the absurdities of everyday life and language.

In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Here are some samples that give you instant appreciation of the brilliance of the man:

collatedchaos:

Fucking masterpiece. Hard to believe George has been gone for over 4 years.

jaguarmonarchy:

It's really sad how the blatant truth is fallaciously dismissed by the majority of the public as wacko conspiracy theories. I now understand why George was completely justified in his loss of hope in humanity.

musicislife664

I agree that few people in the crowd know what he's on about. They're just clapping and cheering as though he's telling them what they want to hear. They need to listen. To listen to what he's saying. He knows he isn't really getting through to them. Those in the crowd, just like you and I, are the ones getting fucked by this big whatever-coloured dick. And there's nothing we can do about it. Reply · Sign in to YouTubeSign in with your YouTube Account (YouTube, Google+, Gmail, Orkut, Picasa, or Chrome) to rate musicislife664's comment. ..Sign in

Sign in to YouTubeSign in with your YouTube Account (YouTube, Google+, Gmail, Orkut, Picasa, or Chrome) to rate musicislife664's comment. ..Sign in .

chungwah cancion  

b4 listening to carlin , its a good idea to lube up, he is kind of like a preacher calling out his congregation, while he sermonizes about the nonsensual sodomy we were born into,. i love how he says fuck us all, with every other word. is that an old school stand comedian tick, carlin was a 'persona' on stage, his heart was actually as tender as his 'persona' was coarse. when you see a Carlin tear you will know what i mean,

This guy was such a great thinker. The word "Stupid" is now "Intellectually insufficient".

He was an extremely observant man. Classic material!

Louis C.K. talked about this man in one of his stand up and I came here to watch and O MY GOD this man was a comic genius i can't believe I never saw one of his stand up before I have a LOTS of video to watch now simply amazing this is crude real smart and funny boy do I feel stupid to have missed out on that one.

Sadly, many assholes misinterpret this video and flatly ignore the part about "shame attached to the word" (3:10). There are words with shame attached to them that should not be used in civilized conversation. But you find proud douchebags claiming to be Carlin followers because they just love to call black people "niggers" and women "bitches".

Memorable Quotes

  1. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
     
  2. “Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.”
     
  3. “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
     
  4. “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
     
  5. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
     
  6. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist”
     
  7. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
     
  8. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
     
  9. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
     
  10. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
     
  11. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.”
     
  12. “Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.”
     
  13. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
     
  14. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ”
     
  15. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. ”
     
  16. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
     
  17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
     
  18. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
     
  19. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
     
  20. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
     
  21. “Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
     
  22. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
     
  23. “When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”
     
  24. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
     
  25. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
     
  26. “You're just another American who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!”
     
  27. “They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!”
     
  28. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”
     
  29. “Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”
     
  30. “Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.”
     
  31. “Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance.”
     
  32. They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
     
  33. “There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

    Still, I love traveling down there, especially when I'm in the mood for a quick trip to the thirteenth century. I'm not someone who buys into all that 'New South' shit you hear; I judge a place by the number of lynchings they've had, overall.”
     

  34. “The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.”
     
  35. “The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it never has. no matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
     
  36. “It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!”
     
  37. “Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.”
     
  38. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”
     
  39. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
     
  40. “Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”
     
  41. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
     
  42. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
     
  43. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
     
  44. “No comment” is a comment.
     
  45. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
     
  46. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
     
  47. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
     
  48. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
     
  49. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.
  50. “We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

    The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are!

    We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.

    The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?”

Other interesting quotes

  1. “Tonight’s forecast: Dark. Continued mostly dark tonight turning to widely scattered light in the morning.”
     
  2. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It's interested in its own power. That's the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.
     
  3. “I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”
     
  4. For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, "If you don't vote, you have no right to complain." But where's the logic in that? Think it through: If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and you screw things up, then you're responsible for what they've done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can't people see that?
     
  5. “I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.”
     
  6. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
     
  7. “Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
     
  8. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
     
  9. Catholic kids are stupid; they don't know how to handle a pedophile priest. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? Not me. Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you can––one of them is bound to believe you. That's what you do. You don't wait thirty years. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit"... And you're out the door.
     
  10. “Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who informed us, "All men are created equal." All "men," except Indians, niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way, suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that is what's known as being stunningly -- and embarrassingly -- full of shit.”
     
  11. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”
     
  12. “Religion is just mind control. ”
     
  13. “It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”
     
  14. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
     
  15. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
     
  16. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
     
  17. “You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.”
     
  18. “I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...”
     
  19. “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”
     
  20. “No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
     
  21. “Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

    No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.”
     
  22. “I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless. ”
     
  23. “People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.”
     
  24. “I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

     

  25. “It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
     
  26. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
     
  27. “It's never just a game when you're winning.”
     
  28. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
     
  29. “He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
     
  30. “I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.”
     
  31. “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
     
  32. “So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”
     
  33. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ”
     
  34. “A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.”
     
  35. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
     
  36. “I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”
     
  37. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
     
  38. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
     
  39. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
     
  40. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
     
  41. “I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”
     
  42. “We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”
     
  43. “I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
     
  44. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
     
  45. “Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
     
  46. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
     
  47. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
     
  48. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
     
  49. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
     
  50. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
     
  51. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
     
  52. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
     
  53. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
     
  54. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
     
  55. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
     
  56. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
     
  57. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
     
  58. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
     
  59. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
     
  60. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
     
  61. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
     
  62. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
     
  63. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
     
  64. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
     
  65. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
     
  66. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
     
  67. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
     
  68. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
     
  69. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
     
  70. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
     
  71. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
     
  72. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
     
  73. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
     
  74. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
     
  75. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
     
  76. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
     
  77. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
     
  78. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
     
  79. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
     
  80. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
     
  81. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
     
  82. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
     
  83. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
     
  84. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
     
  85. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
     
  86. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
     
  87. What year did Jesus think it was?
     
  88. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
     
  89. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
     
  90. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
     
  91. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
     
  92. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
     
  93. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
     
  94. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
     
  95. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
     
  96. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
     
  97. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
     
  98. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
     
  99. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
     
  100. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
     
  101. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
     
  102. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
     
  103. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
     
  104. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
     
  105. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
     
  106. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
     
  107. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
     
  108. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
     
  109. “No comment” is a comment.
     
  110. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
     
  111. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
     
  112. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
     
  113. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
     
  114. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
     
  115. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
     
  116. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
     
  117. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

     
  118. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
     
  119. Hooray for most things!
     
  120. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
     
  121. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
     
  122. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
     
  123. Life is a zero sum game.
     
  124. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
     
  125. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
     
  126. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

     

  127. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

     

  128. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

     

  129. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

     

  130. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

     

  131. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

     

  132. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
     
  133. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
     
  134. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
     
  135. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
     
  136. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
     
  137. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
     
  138. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
     
  139. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
     
  140. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
     
  141. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
     
  142. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
     
  143. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
     
  144. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
     
  145. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
     
  146. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
     
  147. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

     

  148. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

     

  149. This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

Attributed to George Carlin

These were thought to be, but are NOT George Carlin quotes.
But they are still amusing.


  1. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

     

  2. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

     

  3. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

     

  4. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

     

  5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

     

  6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

     

  7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

     

  8. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

     

  9. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

     

  10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

     

  11. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

     

  12. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

     

  13. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

     

  14. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

     

  15. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

     

  16. How is it possible to have a civil war?

     

  17. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

     

  18. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

     

  19. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

     

  20. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

     

  21. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

     

  22. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

     

  23. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

     

  24. Is there another word for synonym?

     

  25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

     

  26. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

     

  27. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

     

  28. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

     

  29. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

     

  30. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

     

  31. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

     

  32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

     

  33. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

     

  34. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

     

  35. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

     

  36. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

     

  37. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
  38. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!”
 

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