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Софтпанорама 1995, No.4 ***** HUMOR ***** Составители Н.Н.БЕЗРУКОВ И.СУВОРОВ ==================================================================== О К О Л О К О М П Ь Ю Т Е Р Н Ы Й И С Т У Д Е Н Ч Е С К И Й Ю М О Р їььв From: firstname.lastname@example.org Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy Subject: Windows the new Generation (Part 1) Message-ID: <1995Jan18.email@example.com> Date: 18 Jan 95 17:56:41 +1300 Organization: University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand Lines: 39 Just a bit of lite humour Copied without permission from "Bits and Bytes" Dec 1994 (A good impartial New Zealand Computer Magazine) Windows the newer generation (A Peter friend [author] exclusive) By now, you've all heard of Microsoft Windows Chicago - I mean Window 4.0 - I mean Windows 95. But technology continues to march on down the information superhighway, and Microsoft is already hard at work on the next version of windows. Originally codenamed Windows Eketahuna [a NZ town], then Windows 5.0, it was recently renamed Windows 2001: A Space Odyssey, perhaps because it comes on 9 CD's and requires 64Mb of Ram and a 3Gb hard disk to run. These may seam like excessive system requirements, but, on the other hand, the new version of Solitaire is really good. Windows 2001 is still only at the alpha testing stage, bit I can let you in on a few of its exciting new features. As well as running DOS, 16bit and 32bit Windows applications as you might expect, Windows 2001 also allows for full OS/2, UNIX, AS/400, MAcintosh, Sega, Nintendo, and Sinclair ZX Spectrum emulation. IBM is rumoured to be planning its revenge with a really really good version of solitaire for the next version of OS/2. Personally, I found all the emulation modes very impressive, particularly the way the Macintosh emulator reminds you to superglue down your second mouse button. The ZX Spectrum option is also very interesting, coming with custom device drivers for rubber keyboards and a new video card to make your superVGA monitor look like a badly tuned TV. ----- more later as Its home time (tommorow) ------ Hope you enjoyed it so far Mark From: firstname.lastname@example.org Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy Subject: Windows 95 Cool User Program Date: 17 Feb 1995 07:07:33 GMT Organization: Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems Lines: 48 Message-ID: <email@example.com> Reply-To: firstname.lastname@example.org NNTP-Posting-Host: dal27.onramp.net X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09 WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date. "We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution." Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication. IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified. Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six months." The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Charles Forsythe email@example.com "Thankyou for playing Usenet." From: firstname.lastname@example.org Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy Subject: Humor Date: 17 Feb 1995 14:27:09 GMT Organization: Express Access Online Communications, USA Lines: 34 Message-ID: <email@example.com> Reply-To: firstname.lastname@example.org NNTP-Posting-Host: cpcug.org X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09 SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST" New York, NY, Feb 15 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way just so companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Aternative methods of testing these products are available." According to PETS, these comapnies force software to undergo lenthy and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software. "It's no joke," said Granole. "Innocent programs, from the day they are complied, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives cooped up on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. "We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing. ******************************************************************* Robert H. MacTurk, Ph.D. RHMACTURK@GALLUA.gallaudet.edu Research Scientist RHMACTUR@gallux.gallaudet.edu Gallaudet University (V/TTY)202-651-5206 Washington, DC 20002 (FAX)202-651-5458 ******************************************************************* From: email@example.com@uniwa.uwa.edu.au Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc Subject: Windows 95 review Date: 21 Dec 1994 11:05:03 GMT Organization: The University of Western Australia Lines: 66 Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> Reply-To: email@example.com NNTP-Posting-Host: u78.dialup.uwa.edu.au X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.07 Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31208 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21911 comp.windows.misc:3945 aus.jokes:5035 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42035 comp.os.os2.games:6342 comp.os.os2.misc:41183 Windows 95 - The right choice So you've all heard of OS/2 Warp. Here's why Windows 95 is the right operating system for you: Enhanced error handling: Over the past 12 months, MicroSoft have been working intensively on the bugs inherent in Windows 3.1. The result: an advanced operating system with greatly enhanced bugs. All of the Windows 3.1 bugs are present in Windows 95, and run faster than ever. We have also introduced a range of new bugs never before seen in an operating system of this type. Whether you are a professional programmer, a casual user, or a game player, Windows 95 offers a larger range of bugs than any other operating system on the market. 32-bit Memory Managment: Windows 95 offers full 32-bit management of 16 bit memory. After a considerable amount of work, the familiar "General Protection Fault" is nowhere to be seen. The GPF has been replaced by two significantly improved errors: "Specific Protection Fault" - used to corrupt an individual 16-bit process. "Global Protection Fault" - this powerful memory management facility will allow a corrupt process not only to corrupt all other running processes, but corrupt processes on all other machines within a five-mile radius. Even now we are developing "pre-emptive" memory management, which will be able to corrupt processes which are not yet running. Threaded Multi-Tasking: The cooperative multi-tasking found in Winodws 3.1 has now been replaced with the far more powerful "uncooperative multi-tasking". This enhancement will allow several processes to crash simultaneously. Our new crash protection facility greatly enhances the multi-tasking environment. Should one process fail, the CPF will prevent this process from being disturbed by other cleanly running processes. The multi-threading environment allows one process to generate multiple errors, while still remaing seprate from other threads. Time Saving Abilities: Everyone has had their system crash whilst editing a document that had not yet been saved. Re-entering the lost data can be frustrating and time-consuming. Windows 95 eliminates this problem by causing processes to crash much earlier, significantly reducing data loss. So, anyone can see why Windows 95 offers greater power at a greater price than any other operating system available today. So, when choosing your next operating system, remember our motto: Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today. *** Important - This document is not a product of MicroSoft Corporation (duh, the spelling is too good anyway). None of the material contained within has been derived from beta-testing of Windows 95 (call it a sort of educated guess). It is for amusement purposes only, so if you don't find it funny, feel free not to laugh. - The Keeper of the Cheese From ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.kei.com!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!phostetl Sat Dec 24 12:07:43 1994 Path: ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.kei.com!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!phostetl From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Paul Hostetler) Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc Subject: Re: Windows 95 review Date: 21 Dec 1994 14:13:04 GMT Organization: US Department of Entropy Lines: 16 Message-ID: <email@example.com> References: <firstname.lastname@example.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: beauty.magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31227 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21917 comp.windows.misc:3949 aus.jokes:5038 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42062 comp.os.os2.games:6347 comp.os.os2.misc:41201 Thus spake : > Windows 95 - The right choice [chop] >next operating system, remember our motto: > Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today. > Jan 94 Windows 95 - Nine months from today! Aug 94 Windows 95 - Nine months from today! Dec 94 Windows 95 - Nine months from today! and so on... -- email@example.com * firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com * firstname.lastname@example.org * The end is nea From ankh.iia.org!uunet!news.delphi.com!BIX.com!barryn Sat Dec 24 12:08:15 1994 Path: ankh.iia.org!uunet!news.delphi.com!BIX.com!barryn From: barryn@BIX.com (barryn on BIX) Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc Subject: Re: Windows 95 review Date: 21 Dec 94 17:38:16 GMT Organization: Delphi Internet Services Corporation Lines: 14 Message-ID:
References: <email@example.com> <firstname.lastname@example.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: bix.com Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31265 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21942 comp.windows.misc:3967 aus.jokes:5044 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42108 comp.os.os2.games:6361 comp.os.os2.misc:41250 Paul Hostetler looks at some of the promised delivery dates for Win9 : :Jan 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today! :Aug 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today! :Dec 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today! :and so on... Kinda makes you think Microsoft has a fertility problem, doesn't it? (-: Barry Nance author, "Using OS/2 2.1", "Using OS/2 Warp, 3.0", "Introduction to Networking", "Client/Server LAN Programming", "Networking Windows for Workgroups", and "Guide to LAN Server". From ankh.iia.org!uunet!panix!panix3.panix.com!melling Sat Dec 24 12:08:40 1994 Path: ankh.iia.org!uunet!panix!panix3.panix.com!melling From: email@example.com (Michael Mellinger) Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc Subject: Re: Windows 95 review Date: 21 Dec 1994 12:50:31 -0500 Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC Lines: 25 Message-ID: References: <firstname.lastname@example.org> <email@example.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: panix3.panix.com In-reply-to: firstname.lastname@example.org's message of 21 Dec 1994 14:13:04 GMT Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31266 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21944 comp.windows.misc:3968 aus.jokes:5046 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42110 comp.os.os2.games:6362 comp.os.os2.misc:41253 In article <email@example.com> firstname.lastname@example.org (Paul Hostetler) writes: Thus spake : > Windows 95 - The right choice [chop] >next operating system, remember our motto: > Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today. > Jan 94 Windows 95 - Nine months from today! Aug 94 Windows 95 - Nine months from today! Dec 94 Windows 95 - Nine months from today! and so on... I wonder if Bill trying to have a baby with his new wife? Seriously, if I have to wait until August, then until December/January for 95.1, maybe OS/2 3.0 is seriously worth taking a look at. Will MS still sell betas in January? The 150MHz Pentium will be out before MS releases a 32 bit OS to kill DOS. -Mike Subject: Re: Is Windows 95 a "real OS" or not? Date: 11 Jan 1995 02:40:37 -0800 Organization: Computer Science, University of B.C., Vancouver, B.C., Canada NNTP-Posting-Host: keats.ugrad.cs.ubc.ca >I have a question. Why is Windows95 code named >Chicago? > >thanks This calls for Kazinator's top 5: #05: Bill Gates thinks he is Al Capone. #04: Hoffa sounded too suggestive of what users ought to do with it. #03: Chicago is full of wind. #02: The software mafia will come and cram it down your throat. And the number one reason is: #01: You pay them, but alas! You still get no protection! From ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!usenet.ucs.indiana.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!dziuxsolim.rutgers.edu!er2.rutgers.edu!not-for-mail Wed Dec 7 13:26:00 1994 Path: ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!usenet.ucs.indiana.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!dziuxsolim.rutgers.edu!er2.rutgers.edu!not-for-mail From: email@example.com Newsgroups: alt.fan.bill-gates,comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.unix.advocacy Subject: Re: UNIX login when telnet Microsoft.com Date: 6 Dec 1994 02:13:53 -0500 Organization: Rutgers University Lines: 31 Distribution: world Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> References: <email@example.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: er2.rutgers.edu Xref: ankh.iia.org alt.fan.bill-gates:5259 comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:29199 comp.unix.advocacy:2077 firstname.lastname@example.org (Phil Lafornara) writes: >In article <email@example.com> firstname.lastname@example.org (David Glynn) writes: >> >>Who invented FUD? > I believe that the term "FUD" was coined to refer to the practices >of IBM. I don't remember who coined it, though. > -Phil I don't know about you, but the story I heard was that FUD was originally invented when Amdahl Corp. made a mainframe that was fully compatible with IBM and ran four times faster. IBM, starting a venerable tradition, declared that it had a mainframe in the works that would trounce Amdahl's, and encouraged its salesmen to sow "fear, uncertainty, and doubt" when talking to its customers about Amdahl's reliabilty, compatibility, viability as a company, etc... IBM's machine didn't arrive till much later, of course; while meanwhile Amdahl suddenly had a hard time selling its mainframes. Of course, the ability to spread FUD depends on market presence and the customer's "belief" in the company. Right now, that company is Microsoft, and not IBM, who has neither the strong market presence nor the customer belief in PC's that Microsoft possesses in software. While IBM deserves a special degree of obliquy for introducing this practice to marketing, it doesn't excuse the fact that Microsoft inexcusably practices FUD now, and is in fact, the industry's preeminent practitioner. J. Cho
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